Everywhere I looked I found these 'Top Ten' gifts for Christmas lists.
Then Google directed me to the ever knowledgeable AskMen.com
That well known 'portal', straight into the mind of the Average Man with it's Finger on the pulse of his cock, wallet and psyche.
As the page loaded my eyes were immediately attracted to the top three searches made on the page today
- Excess Sweating
- Exotic Cars
- Muscle Growth
Ah yes, this is where I'm meant to be... On the cutting edge of male hormones to discover what I should be purchasing the men in my life for the festive season.
Number 10: Well number ten appears to be missing.... But whatever it was is meant to:
"Finally get rid of that swollen eyesore that leaves an irritating bulge in your back pocket".My mind races with all possibilities ;P but only comes up with ? a wallet.... Gosh this is fun :(
ps: note from the nurse... If your bulge is in your back pocket... You're in trouble.
Number nine: A Bathrobe... FFS really? a bathrobe? So they can,wander round the house naked except for this shortie bathy thing and sit on the sofa with the contents of the lunch box all hanging out all over the Scotch guarded satin fabric. I think not!
Number 8: A DVD Collection. The entire collection of the Simpsons since it started?. God.
Number 7: Cologne. No, not the splendid German town, (that I've been to) but what we Brits call 'Aftershave'
"The gift of a great scent is a good sign that she wants to turn you into an irresistible man and rip off your clothes because she can't resist inhaling your sexual scent."Ooeer
So a spot of smelly and we're meant to rip off that Bathrobe and shag you stupid? (in your dreams unless you happen to be Orlando Bloom in which case perfume would make no difference what so ever) Also the scent is going to 'turn you into an irresistable man?' so you weren't one already... Don't cry. Bad sign if you get aftershave. I once bought Ex some expensive aftershave hoping to spice something up. It made him sneeze.
Number 6: An Expresso Machine? Honest?
"For those of you who love to savor every little detail about a freshly brewed cup of espresso"
I'd rather a cup of tea thank you. Men really want expresso? Men really want on tap Expresso Blow Jobs...
Number 5: Is also missing so as Barney says 'we gotta use our imagination'
"Be careful, because if you ask for this, she'll expect you to finally get organized "Hmmm be careful, IF you use this? Organisation?
A boy scout uniform? ..... Answers on a postcard.
(fuck off diary is dull.... Or Palm thingy)
Number 4: Clothing. Ah yes, lets clothe the man.After all most women do buy their men's clothes. A sign of ownership. When you get a cat or dog... You buy a collar. It's the man's collar. The clothes the partner buys for them say 'piss off all you women... He's Taken grrrrrrrr'.
However, if your wife starts buying you Matalan pants and Jogging bottoms from Primark. Do worry because basically... She don't love you anymore.
Check your Christmas labels 'Tesco Value'? You're on your way out.
I have vacancies and do a nice line in River Island
oh ps... If your wife buys Burton? She wants you to go find someone else. Simple logic.
Number 3: A CD Player. FFS, if you haven't got one already you are a sad bastard. Also, if you do get one of these, ask your Missus if she's still living in the 21st century, A CD player??
Man, you want a Ipod Nano, video playback... Ok?
Number 2: A DVD player. Again... Sad sad. You can pick up a multi region one for £20 on Amazon. If you haven't got a DVD in 2005 you are seriously uncool and need 'How to be cool' night school classes with Trin PDQ.
Number 1: Ta da.... A concert ticket. Hmm actually this isn't a bad idea. Kaiser Chiefs In Paris is rather tempting.
But, if she drags you along to some James Blunt extravaganza,...You'll know the ticket was for her. She hates you. You are dull. At least she doesn't have to listen to you drone on about work for a whole night. She wants swoon to dreary James and suspend reality.
Is this what men really want?
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