Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Dried fruit and nut case

Ahh the therapeutic value of work! A good day. I got there and shock... there were things not done. The staff immediately went all defensive but I didn't care...see... they NEEDED me. Imagine working with me... hell on earth.
A whole month off! The offices in the middle are having world war four. No one likes anyone else. Someone called it the Witches Den today. Seems I missed a bit of gossip there. What is it with offices? Someone's always bitching that the other secretary hasn't typed as much as her? I don't get it.
Very quiet day though and that was a relief.
I came home and cooked tea and made Bread and Butter pudding. A slightly different Image Hosted by ImageShack.usrecipe with a layer of golden syrup in the base and no sugar.
It was amazingly sweet, in fact a little too sweet for me maybe. But yummy never the less.
Packed full of big juicy sultanas. BIG ONES.


Forget yesterday. I have to leave it on my blog as a record for myself.
Something I have to deal with alone.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


My cats seem to spend most of the day teasing next doors little dog. And he gets told off if he barks at them or goes to chase them.
Poor stupid little doggie. He chews up shoes for a living. Next door's little one has had FIVE pairs of sandals this summer.
Least my pussy's don't do that!


Calmer. Wish more than ever that I had someone on my side to talk this through with. It's 11pm and I'm starting to liven up. FFS! I've vacuumed and done some HW. Sat in the garden in candle light drinking tea. That was nice.
Work tomorrow. I haven't been there for a month. It'll be ok. I just worry that I won't be effective and good enough.
Really honestly do feel alone tonight, this isn't drugs. I really am very alone.
I'm not in a self pitying mood though, I'm not going to get upset... Bloody hell. I got enough upset today to last a whole year.
Hope I don't cry in work tomorrow. I HATE it when I allow my personal shit to overflow into work space. But I fear that a few caring words and people glad to see me may just finish me. Damn I could do with a hug and someone to say...It's all going to be ok.
I fear people are fed up with me, if you are, I'm sorry. In my defence I use Oil of Olay 24 hour facial wipes every day and clean knickers. (I refuse to say what I use the knickers for, a lady has to have some secrets)
I'm only human.... as the Human League would sing. Damn I miss The Human League.

Image Hosted by
I'm only human
Of flesh and blood I'm made
Born to make mistakes


Two Doctors Appointments. The one at 9am, was sort of ok. She said my iron was low. She hasn't referred me to a gynaecologist yet. I tried to tell her about how I was feeling with the drugs, but she wasn't really interested. That's the psychiatrist department. Never treat a person as a whole. Different parts of the body need different doctors. Never put it all together to make one person.
Then I went home and slept on the sofa until 12 pm. I don't think I'm sleeping. Lots of vivid nasty dreams and nausea.
So I got up and yelled at the kids for the state of the house, which was a bad thing to do. Not their fault I feel shit.
I went early to the psychiatrists office. I was feeling a bit unwell, almost fluey. I was a bit teary but didn't want to cry.
A nightmare ensued.
I turned into this ball of fury. I was so angry and exasperated by everything. Frustration and pent up emotions.
I told him I was angry, I said it was because I felt unsupported and not understood. I was mad because I hadn't been told about the withdrawal effects of Venlafaxine.
He was quite unbelievable. He started by telling me that I shouldn't be getting any withdrawal effects. The effexor had been dropped at a two weekly interval and as such I should get no problems.
I tried to give him my symptoms but he kept interjecting , with "What do you want me to do about it" he said I could go back on effexor. He offered me a Benzodiazepine to calm me and some sleeping pills. I nearly choked.
He said he was going to refer me to psychotherapy to deal with my anger. (Hilarious really if I wasn't so angry)
He didn't listen, he didn't pick up on key things I was trying to say. As a consequence my fury got more personal and I told him, he was 'just' a SHO (junior doctor) who really had no idea what I was feeling or experiencing. I'd seen 5 doctors in 5 months.
Then he told me that he wasn't there to 'help' me. He was there to dish out the pills. "So let me get this straight" I said incredulously "You are here to deal with medication, nothing else?"
That's right" he told me. I zipped up my bag and left the room. Slamming the door as I left. When I got outside the building I was so wound up that I shouted at the building. "Evil vile man".
People turned round and looked. I then sobbed my way to the car. I walked across the road in the path of the traffic. I had this wish that someone would hit me, or nearly hit me and I could shout "Kill me then" at them.
I got to the car park and couldn't find the car. I stumbled around for a while then realised I'd walked right past it.
Why did I get so upset? Maybe weeks of feeling upset and unsupported and then to have some jumped up little junior doctor tell me that I shouldn't have those symptoms. Prat. Read the internet mate.

War of the Worlds part deux

Wow, what a powerful picture. The weather, unpredictable and majestic. Posted by Picasa

Abby plans her bedroom extention. Posted by Picasa

Dealing with the Doctors

Venlafaxine - Enpsychlopedia:

"Venlafaxine is somewhat notorious for its severe withdrawal symptoms upon sudden discontinuation. (The recommended discontinuation is a drop of 35 mg a week, and sudden stops are usually advised only in emergencies.) Wyeth-Ayerst refers to these severe withdrawal symptoms in its literature by the euphemism 'severe discontinuation syndrome'. These have a tendency to be stronger than the withdrawal effects of many antidepressants"

Tomorrow I have to see my GP and psychiatrist. I rang the psychiatrists secretary in the week and she gave me an earlier Appointment.
I hate seeing doctors. I get agitated and nervous, but I am so very angry about stuff this week. I'm not sure how I'll contain myself. How to approach it. The psychiatrist is a very junior doctor. An Iraqi, with fairly good English. Just a job though. My consultant is new, a faceless name. Can't even pronounce his name. Seems he is Italian and has emigrated here in the past month.
What ever is the point?
But my main gripe is with their lack of communication. Informing me that Venlafaxine withdrawal syndrome exists. That is is the 2nd worst drug in the whole pharmaceutical drug range to get off off, behind Seroxat . They didn't warn me, they gave me no ways of coping and they gave me no support at all. Even when I wrote to them and said "Hey I want to me" No-one as much as blinked an eyelid.
I'm lucky though, I'm educated, intelligent, have the internet to research stuff, and some good mates out there who support me. But there are those not as fortunate and sadly those are the ones who don't live to tell the tale.
So, I'm going to bed now, to think about what I'm going to say tomorrow.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Paint Me

A few years back, I used to go to church. A social event really as I do not believe in any form of higher being but I do believe in living right and caring for each other. I think religion causes wars and deaths but that's my opinion and no one else's.
But I went to church with good people and used to get something out of it. Until the Vicar left the church then left his wife and kids. Bad Man.
But I digress, one Sunday there was a woman out the front singing and swaying and giving her all for the good lord. I used to feel jealous of her. She used to say God visited her, touched her, listened to her, answered her prayers. Now seeing this 'God' never once 'spoke' to me despite the fact I tried so hard, I was really jealous of her. I used to think she was a far better person than me. Maybe she is. Who knows?
One particular Sunday, she said that on her way out one morning in the week, she was suddenly struck by how colourful the world had became. The red's were so red and the blue's were so blue. Personally I thought she was on a touch of LSD, but she said God had touched her and made the world a brighter place for her.
At the time my life was very grey. Very little light permeated my mind. There was black and white and most of it was black.
Don't laugh at me, but on the way back from the pub today (I drank diet coke!) I noticed such vibrant colours every where. I was struck by the flowers, the different greens of the fields, the varying leaf colours. It was a slow thing but gradually I realised I was noting colour. Enjoying colour.
It's the drugs... Coming off that evil chemical.
And if you laugh at me, I'll pinch you.

Move Over Abba. There's new BAD boys in town. Posted by Picasa

Bank Holiday Monday

What to do on bank Holiday? Marie rang me this morning. Love her, she knows I find holidays difficult. A time when everyone is in their family units. But I was in my family unit too. Danz and me went for a walk.. A whole hour. I took some pictures of the area. Some of it ok but some of it terrible. The closed down shopping area, the bad architecture. You can see them on Flickr that I finally broke down and joined. I like the idea of having my photos saved somewhere in case the PC crashes.
Then we went out to lunch. We wanted to go into the country, and sit in a pub garden. So we chose the Ring O Bells in Compton Martin. I've been there before. Old rustic and well kept with good plain cooking.
We didn't get there until 13.30. A lot of people had left. Abby wanted to sit inside. But they'd refurbished it. Kids weren't allowed in the bar areas at all. There was a dark little family room with baby toys. Not at all suitable for my girls.
So we moved to the garden. The garden is well kept, lush lawns and play equipment for kids. The day was sunny but not too hot. The Setting?... The Mendip hills in the distance... Perfect?
No, plum in the middle of the garden was a noisy bouncy castle monstrosity. One of those ones with a huge slide.
Then a blonde woman came into the garden with a white basque on. The DJ? Heck, she started playing very loud and very bad music. A strange mix of hideous 90's pop and 70's pop. Ronan Keating VS Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel.
I wouldn't have minded too much but it was LOUD. So loud you couldn't talk. Background music might have been ok. Personally I went to the country to get away from such distractions. I wanted to hear birds and listen to kids playing.
So we ate (which was ok) and left.
But at least we did something.

That Photo

The HUGE picture on the wall on the River Of Life Christian Centre.

Danz at the Hartcliffe Millenium Green 

That Cat

She can do it! 

Dukes Of Hazzard

We finally mossied on down to the cinema to catch the Dukes yesterday. If your after classical memorable Oscar material to watch, this is NOT your film. But if you like a bit of fun, fast cars, and a good old fashioned good vs bad man movie, Go see it.
It is a remake of the 70's series. I didn't actually laugh a lot at it....But maybe that's just me. I did, however, LOVE the car chase scenes. The good old action when the cop cars get smashed up time after time.
Bo and Luke Duke were played by Jackass's Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott. They were excellent. Funny, laid back and sexy. Jessica Simpson as the Delectable Daisy Duke was good. But her very very false heavy southern drawl put me off a tad. But she looked hot.
The majority of the film was car chase though, Smashing, fast, revving, sparking, tyre burning , gear crunching fun. Seeing I'm a speed merchant at heart. I loved it. Haven't had such fun with a car chase movie since the Blues Brothers.
Not so sure about the jokes Willie Nelson told through out the movie. He will never make it as a stand up comic.
But in comparison to the last movie (Bewitched) we saw. 100% better.

yes me again....

I think (I'm whispering) I feel a bit more lively. My head is a bit clearer and I don't feel sad or miserable today. In retrospect, I haven't felt REALLY low for a while. Just this false sense of being isolated. Maybe the Lamotrigine has helped. I also feel a bit less boggy, my legs seem less swollen, not perfect but better. I may just be getting there.
I'm a bit panicked at the thought of dropping the effexor more or even stopping them. Don't get me wrong. I want to get off them, but I don't want to start feeling awful again.. so soon.
I didn't sleep great. The nightmares and the night sweats, waking up in a soaking wet bed. Yes, all part and parcel of Effexor withdrawal. So I slept on the sofa with the light on. I slept ok in the end.
I got up at 7am. Put washing on the line, took my pills, made tea and toast. Then fell asleep again. BUT at least I feel better.
I'm going to go out for a walk with Danielle. Do me good.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Positive Week


I joined a forum. I've never written on it, I'm not sure I agree with all of it. It's all about people with mental health problems, using herbs, and diet and talking to cure mental health issues and not chemical drugs. It's however full of people coming off of drugs. All sorts of drugs including Effexor. I get emails every time they post. Some of them are really helpful. A lot of things I'm experiencing lately, they are experiencing too. The intense sadness and feeling of isolation.... Interestingly these people have partners, kids families WITH them. And they are still v v lonely. The crying, the headaches, the vomiting, it's all withdrawal effects. I'm still really mad that there has been no support from my Doctors.
But Hoorah for the Internet. The forum recommends eating well, and keep talking about it. Only bit of advice I've had. Sounds good though.
Occasionally they discuss something that I think's a bit freaky..Like buying a salt lamp. Meant to help apparently. No idea what a salt lamp is. But then someone will email with exactly the same feelings as me. So I'm not alone with this nightmare.
I will survive guys.
Live to tell the tale.
Vive la Vie.

Disgusted nurse from Bristol

I found last nights Casualty/Holby City special on Transplant surgery very distasteful. It seems the idea was to raise the awareness of the general public to the desperate needs of transplant patients in the UK.
But in my opinion, this was done with inappropriate drama and insensitivity.
I'm very surprised at Prof Robert Winston for fronting such drivel.
I'm not a huge fan of either medical soap dramas. I say medical loosely as they really are both totally fabricated and bear no resemblance to real wards or A+E Departments.
Last night's 'Transplant families' were dreadful. The pushy Cystic Fibrosis parents. A total injustice to those real families who cope with CF every day. Always aware that someone else has to die to give their child life.
Wanting the transplant but also not wanting it as the moment their child is pushed into theatre there's a realistic chance that they won't see them alive again.
To shout at another family in a hospital corridor though, to demand a transplant? Never. They would have received massive and intense counseling.
I was appalled at the Transplant Services Worker. He was so insensitive and brusque. There are ways of asking people, preparing them, supporting them. Allowing them time to come to terms with a brain stem death. This is a terrible time for them, the worst time ever. They aren't jumped on from a high building and hurried along like that. No one got to know the family, no one sat with them, comforted them. Allowed them to cry and grieve and express.
And now we have to decide WHO gets the Transplant. It'll be the 40 year old man. The CF parents were too pushy. Britain doesn't like pushy.
We have to phone in, like voting for Big Brother? Craig or Antknee.
This is meant to raise awareness and sympathy?
Dreadful programme. I have looked after many kidney transplants post surgery. Children who previously were tied to machines. Tired, pale, sickly children. On massive amounts of drugs. On diet restrictions. Endless needles, tummy upsets, depression. The joy when that kidney yields it's first drops of urine. The difference it makes to lives. Families, people, real people.
I've also looked after kids who have died and whose brave wonderful parents have given that gift of a part of their loved one to someone else.
I've gone with parents to the theatre doors and watched as they've sobbed their last goodbyes. Forever etched in my mind. And I've taken the body back afterwards. I know the care they take with those bodies. Precious and special. I know the comfort those parents have taken in knowing that as their child has died, another five or more people will live on because of their actions and gift.
Such special memories. Such touching times almost so painful that it's hard to think of them. Maybe because the bravery and selflessness of those parents defied any stupid medical drama.
Real people need transplants.

Join the register

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Poorly Babes.

No Dukes Of Hazzard tonight. Abby isn't well. I think she has a tendancy to migraine. Also, a headache on return from her dad's isn't unusual. Almost like a relief reaction. But she's white, nauseated and heady. Now she's crashed out. I hate it when she's poorly. Hate it, I don't want her to feel ill. Poor baby.
So I'm alone again tonight. (Danz is in Priddy)
Just Me and the X Factor here. Where do they find those weirdos? Some of those look loonier than my fellow patients in the psychiatric Outpatients.

School Uniform try-out

Danielle tried on her new school uniform. She looks so grown up. I took my neighbour to Asda to get her littley's school uniform.
He starts next week, but he wasn't so forthcoming with the photo. But he still looks cute with his head in the cat nip. Bet the cats love him tonight.
That area in the background's going to be my vegetable patch next year.

Trin's Bangs

My hair refuses to shrug off the red tones. I daren't colour it again though for fear of ending up purple or worse... apricot. One of the girls in work (I dislike) dyed her hair red before and it ending up orangey apricot. She looked like an iced Gem.


Disaster. The 10 foot pool that we sited in the neighbours garden had an accident last night and water gushed out through the walls of the house into her kitchen. The lino is all ruined and there's a very wet sofa.
Amazing how poorly these concrete houses are made. I guess a very heavy storm would have done the same.
Time to put the pool away I think. Summer's over.
Her wall is cracked. I think it was cracked before though, I have huge cracks in the ceilings and walls in here too.
Council! At least they'll have to sort it out.

Squirrel Answerphone

BBC NEWS Technology Squirrel helps with mobile calls
FFS, In these days of hyper technology do we really need a cuddly squirrel to answer our phones? Imagine the high powered executive with one of these on his desk? I don't get it. Why not have an answer service like Wildfire?
Now if the Squirrel did the ironing too......


Damn I hate weekends. Particularly Bank Holiday weekends. Everyone is busy with their little families, like Christmas and Easter times. My sister is taking Danz for the weekend and hopefully Abby will be back. Maybe we'll go see the Dukes Of Hazzard tonight. I downloaded, Jessica Simpson's 'These Boots are Made for Walking' onto the Ipod. It was ok. I dislike the over accentuated southern drawl and kept expecting her to sing... "Are you ready Boots, Start walking" and she didn't and that irritated me. But it wasn't too bad.
This laptop is driving me mad. The space bar is broken. It works if you hit it on the left side, but the right side is stuck and I'm right handed so it keeps missing spaces. Driving me nuts going back respacing the whole post or email. The big PC is pretty crap. I honestly think my PC 'repairers' aren't much cop. The Norton security really upset it, I turn it on and it sticks over and over. Won't allow me to turn it off or anything. Damn thing. Maybe I'll have to do a basic computer repair course too. Become so independent, that I don't need anyone. If you haven't got anyone then no-one can hurt you. I STILL get upset when my 'friends' forget me, or seem to ignore me. I don't need that. Independence and Autonomy. That's all I need, and a fucking space bar that works grrrrrrrrrr.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Funny old day. I hate to go on about it, but as a record of drug withdrawal, I haven't been too well. Felt faint and shaky for much of the day. But shook off the nausea eventually.
I've felt in Limbo for most of the day. As if I'm waiting for something to happen. But what? Nothing's going to happen.
Me and my neighbour dug up some more of the garden, we're going to have a vegetable patch. That'll be something good to do. I reckon, I probably got more hobbies going on than a lot of people.
Abby's at her dads. She keeps sending me picture messages of stuff. I hope she actually relaxes and enjoys her night away.
I guess I feel a bit lonely tonight. The need in the evenings to have someone to talk to, share stuff with. Laugh with, even watch damn TV with. I've never been a mindless TV watcher. I like to talk about what I'm watching.
It's Reading/Leeds weekend. I'm a bit upset there's no TV coverage. My sister has gone camping in Reading. I'm dead jealous.
Those were the days. Stood in a rainy field watching Jane's Addiction... Buying a German Army coat to keep dry. Crowding round a camp fire and wondering at the amazing Strokes play live.
But mostly, getting lost in Reading and ending up nearer London.. Much nearer London.
Ah well back to my Coldplay CD. Hooked by 'Fix Me' this week. Love it love it.

Blogger Trouble

Blogger's playing up today particularly for English UK language. If your post settings aren't showing the rich text format and picture upload icon etc.. Click here
blogger status and read carefully. You need to change your language setting from English UK to plain English.
It works!
(always cracks me up how Blogger spell check doesn't know the word Blogger)

Best Headline of the Week

Police Recover Man's Body From Elephant Butte
Yep that was a real headline..... classic.
Imagine living in Elephant Butte. The jokes must be horrendous.Image Hosted by
Image Hosted by ImageShack.usI found the perfect Halloween costume for the Butte Kids though.

Google Talk

Google Talk
I just downloaded Google talk. Looks ok. Not that I DO 'I.M' very often, but hey, anything new I'll try.I got loads of google invites if anyone wants one email me.

Asbo Asda

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Thank Friday it's Friday

Thanks Guys but I'm not really cool, honest. ;P
Danielle comes home today. Amazingly Abby is spending the night at her fathers. Some 'quality time' (her inverted commas not mine). He wanted to pick her up at 8 and bring her back at 10 am the next morning, but she went mad and said it wasn't worth going just to sleep there and she wanted to Do something. So they're going for a Chinese meal tomorrow at lunchtime. I think that's a bit weird but what the heck.
I'm battling overwhelming nausea today; I'm taking all my tablets together and think that may be the problem TBH.
Oh well, something new everyday. Life is never dull. BTW Daniel. I can't do three-finger clapping. I think I must be deformed.


Britney having McDonald's. Great nutritional value for the heavily pregnant woman ;P... But they say a little of what you fancy does you good!
Whatever was she thinking in that dress though?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

We want to parteeee

We had fun tonight. Dan, Paul , Natz and Amy came round. We bought Dan a monkey cake from Asbo. Had iced rings, pink wafers and teddie crisps. Then Dan lowered the tone by finding the encyclopedia of sexual terms online. Interesting.
But we did have loads of fun. Dan reminisced the awful party we had this year.... /shudder.
I took Dan and Paul home and on the way they were talking about school. I had this sudden memory of being in primary school in assembly. We weren't allowed to clap hands because it was too loud. So we did one finger clapping. Banging your index finger on the other palm. If a visitor came or we were really praising someone.. We were allowed two finger clapping.
I think I'm psychologically damaged from that. The inability to express myself with a full two handed clap.

BTW Paul Richard (AKA Paul Dick soon to be hairdresser) hasn't got a website /gasp in horror!!!

Happy Birthday Dan

Happy Birthday Dan... Have fun... I baked you a lovely cake xxx


Well I did it, I filled out the forms for the DIY home maintenance, improvements course, inserted the fee and have it stamped ready to post on the side. Am I doing the right thing?
It's on a Monday night from 7-9 pm. I expect there'll be a few women there. Have drill will DIY I guess.
Listening to people chat down the local shops. The school starting fever is kicking in. School starts officially next Thursday here.
My neighbour chose the school furthest away (there's a school right across the road) why? Well one reason was they get the reception kids in quicker.
Schools are notorious for staggering admission and making attendance part time for the first 1/2 term at least.
It's so the teachers have a smaller class group and can spend more time with each little child. Well the parents round here hate it. My neighbour says she's going to tell them, she lives miles away from that school and he has to go in full time ASAP.
Personally I think they have 12 years of their lives at school. Why rush it?
Looking back, the mad panic to get them off my hands... Nursery and school, it all went so quickly.
Nothing much has happened today, but I guess it's been positive. In control. Well apart from the Abby thing... But that was only worry.
I guess most people would be annoyed to pay a fortune for a mobile phone that she doesn't answer? ;P


You know I fret because Abby never goes out? well today she went into town with Amy and Natalie.
I took them in because I had to exchange some clothes.
I knew Abby didn't have any money because I'd asked her before we left. I dropped them off outside the multi storey car park and went in and parked. Then realised, I hadn't given her any money.
I fretted. I didn't have the mobile. It died on me. So I tried to call her 6 times from a call box. She didn't answer the mobile and I got more and more frantic with each call.
In the end I went home and tried her again, she still didn't answer and I left a very shirty message on her answer phone.
Finally she called me, all worried. She did have some money and was fine. But I think I spoilt her whole day with my worrying. Is it any wonder she never wants to go out?

Album covers to die for

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usFree Image Hosting at

Free Image Hosting at
Free Image Hosting at

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usFree Image Hosting at

The Sun (swear word I know) did a special on the worst Album covers ever today... and they were really awful.

Sheer Class... I don't own one of these.... bet my dad does though.

how to deal with debt collectors

pause - dialogues from the grand salon

Fabulous is all I can say. If only I was as creative.... and he IS special.

My new fav website

gaping Void
My new fav website to read. Clever words and even cleverer pictures.
Thanks for finding it for us all Patti.
This picture?..... Well it's me full stop.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Sophia, so gorgeous and what I need to cheer me up. Yeah I feel better... we just watched 'Dark Water' which scared me heaps. I had some texts and a lush email... and a picture of Sophia. She doesn't look sleepy at all. Only seems two minutes ago mine were tiny. Now Abby's leaving school in a year. The weather still sucks here, it's cold and wet. My garden looks cold and neglected. I'm going to do a vegetable patch next year. Home grown food.... such a good mum (ha). Posted by Picasa
I'm having a down day. It's come as quite a downer after the last few days of being ok. I liked being ok. Now I'm anxious and want to talk,,I want someone to share stuff with.
Marie came and it was great to see her, but it made me realise how alone I am with stuff.
I'm worried about Abby. I don't like this staying in the house thing. I don't get it, why isn't she out with mates and stuff, doing drugs and getting pregnant.... No seriously. I am worried and anticipating her need to be in the house to cause major trauma when school starts.
Marie said one day I'll meet someone and feel good again... Sex etc. But I think I'm dead from the neck down. I feel so unsexual... Asexual TBH. If you know me you will know that this is not Trinity at all.
I'm anxious that my decisions are crap. That I can't seem to do things right. That life is flying past my face and my face is numb and deadpan. And yet maybe that's an improvement because at least I'm thinking about stuff now.
I'm very let down by the mental health team and actually would prefer never to see them again, after reading the DLA form my GP filled out I'm hurt by him too. It shows he has no understanding or empathy for my life.
Abby spent a couple of hours with my sister this afternoon and I had time with Danz on my own. What did I do? I slept. Now she's gone to her Nan's for the night and I feel such a let down mother.
I think the Effexor is a form of poison. I want to stop it, but feel unable to. I need some form of support. But it's not forthcoming.
I slept atrociously. The weather was awful last night and all day. Rain and high winds. At 5.30 I was up anchoring my sunflowers better.
Oh I have decided to take a beginners DIY course next month. Better phone up tomorrow. Learn to put up a shelf it said. Then in Jan there's an electronics course in the school opposite. I think I need to move on and learn to be one hell of a self sufficient unit.


Not feeling so up today. Oh well, par for the course. Didn't sleep well. Marie came. She gave me lots of gifts and the Coldplay CD, which I had... I must edit my Amazon wish list. So she gave me the receipt and I swapped it for The White Stripes. Not without difficulty though, apparently they don't exchange CD's anymore. But seeing I took it back within an hour and it was sealed, they did this one time.
The DLA still haven't received my form... It's meant to be back tomorrow. I rang my GP again, to ask when he posted it. Some receptionist of above intelligence (I have rang previously) looked in the collection bit. It was there, waiting for me to collect. Three weeks after I gave it to them. There was a prepaid envelope in there, I'd have thought it obvious they had to post it?? Anyways I read what the doctor wrote and there's no way I'll get it from the three sentences he put. I give up.

Just edited my wish list... Coldplay wasn't on it. Neither was the Kate Moss Autobiography Marie says was there. I thought I must be going nuts... I don't like Kate Moss. Wonder whose wish list Me mate was reading ;) xxx

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Heck I think fat Bailey has a way to go yet before she hits THIS size...... WOW Posted by Picasa


Image Hosted by
I want to go out dancing. Can't remember the last time. I fancy a bit of Salsa. Some heels and a flippy chiffon skirt.
Oh I can rock. Plus I can stand with appreciation for the band whilst moving my head and arms up in the air.
Marie comes round tomorrow. I haven't seen her for ever!
I just wanted to post something happy. To brighten your day and mine. Did I succeed?

Skimming The Surface

I feel like I could cry
But I won't
But it's bubbling under
Like a hot water spring
I refuse to give into it's
Demands of wretchedness
Dragging me down to the pits
Wringing me out
Then leaving me bare and naked
To start all over again.

Trinity 2005


Well, Abby's day out with mates lasted all of ten minutes. I took her up there to meet her friends and when we got to the house there was a huge crowd of people stood outside. Abby was only expecting 4. I thought Oh God she'll have a fit... But she got out and went. I drove home but within 10 mins she was on the doorstep. She doesn't do well in a crowd. She thought it was going to be a more intimate day out when she could chat and stuff. She looked like she was going to cry... But now she's gone with Danz to see the new Hillary Duff Movie instead. All sodding money.
I wish she had a friend, like a best friend, but she said friends hurt you. I hate it when she says that because I fear much of her attitude comes from listening and copying me. I'm a very bad role model.
I phoned work. They miss me. One of the girls I've worked with for near 20 years husband has died. I feel sad for her. He was a nice man and she is the most special person.
At least I won't have that problem. My life partner dying on me.

Richard Bacon..Biggest prat in history.

Does Britney have another husband?

Richard (open his mouth and crap falls out) Bacon has proclaimed that HE is married to Britney Spears and not Kevin Federline.
What is it with TV presenters? Are they all total dicks... Look at Fearne Cotton for one. Her coverage of Live 8 was the most puerile rubbish ever. She is a total thick bimbo whose knowledge of Music must be her Humpty Dumpty Nursery Rhyme tape.
Only 13 days of school holidays left. I think I'll miss them but I won't miss the mess. There's so much washing up and laundry. Drives me mad. Plus they always want money. Abby's school trousers don't fit so I'll have to take them back... I'm not surprised. Child doesn't do any exercise at all.
I think the sizes were small... the variation of sizes in shops is amazing TBH.
Shopping yesterday was manic. My effexor was due at 2pm and at 3.30 the effects really kicked in and I NEEDED MY DRUGS. I wanted them then and not in a while. I was so fixated. Finally I found a 75mg tablet in my bag which is double what I have been on, but thought 'stuff it' and took it. Back to normal today though.
Abby's off with 'friends' this afternoon and Danz has a friend here. Just me who hasn't got a friend today awww.

Garden of My Mind

Forget Kew Gardens, try Trinity Manor.
My water Feature has blossomed. The cats drink from it! I'm glad I put the mint in a pot because it's gone wild.

Taylor gets high in the Cat Nip.It's gone pretty wild and seems to be flowering now. The plant next to it is a herb too. No idea what it is but it seems to be flowering with some feathery flower and has gone wild too.


I'm trying to claim for Disability Living Allowance. I did have it and then they took it away. But the tax credits office seem to think I should still get it... So I reapply again. Trouble is, I've just realised that by filling out those forms and trying to get back onto DLA it's reaffirming my idea that I am mentally ill. When actually I don't want that tag. I just read a self help forum and these words sprung out at me.

"I am realizing how invested she is in seeing herself as mentally ill."

I want to be normal. I don't want any of this bloody crap, Doctor's visits and drugs anymore. How did it get this way in the first place? I also read this line

It seems the more creative the mind, the more open to depression

Wish that applied to me though, unfortunately my depression was caused by being married to a lump of brain dead male species. And evolved.

I was thinking last night about all the people I've met since the 'cosy' marital unit was split. All the people I met and things I did that wouldn't have happened otherwise.
I've met some wonderful people. I've met some idiots too, but they were extremely few and far between. I was just thinking about everyone last night. A touch of reminiscing. Damn I hope they think of me just as Trin and not 'crazy' Trin.

Monday, August 22, 2005

word post

What's on my CD Player this week?
  • Employment Kaiser Chiefs

  • War Of The Worlds Jeff Wayne

  • Hopes And Fears Keane

  • Tourist Athlete

  • Demon Days Gorillaz

  • Echoes Pink Floyd

  • Out of Nothing Embrace
Just so you know ;-)

(published from microsoft word, seems cool!)


Watching Airline on ITV. There's a couple of guys on there who made the same mistake I made and booked the seats in the same names. It's easy to do, especially if you use google auto fill or some such facility. But the idiots never checked their paperwork and then had the audacity to be complete idiots to the check in clerk. Total wankers TBH.
Then there were two people who arrived late for check in, but they were nice and Easy Jet managed to find them a later flight.
Why do people turn up so late for flights? It's amazing to see what crap some people have to put up with in their line of work.
We do have the odd moment in work but mostly it's nurses from places like A+E that get the crap. We did have one prat, one Christmas Day, who when we never answered the door bell quickly enough, climbed through the tiny top window in the lady's bathroom, whilst a mum was sat on the toilet. He was extremely skinny, I assure you (for security sake) the window was very small, one of those ones you open just for a bit of air. He was one of those men who live on substances not related to any kind of food... Indeed.


Bargain shopping! I got Danz a pair of sixty quid jeans for 18 pounds. This is the child who has hand me downs and walks in Abby's shadow so it was good to see her thrilled with a pair of designer jeans, complete with rhinestones and applique. I love the word Applique. I spent a small fortune on school uniform, shoes, umbrellas and school bags.
Abby is totally about image, her school bag was quite unsuitable... But it was Kookai so that makes it all ok. She was well mad about the jeans but they didn't have them in her size.
I'm still fretting about the CSA thing. The advisory lady said that I may end up with less money if his outgoings are increased. Seeing he doesn't have a mortgage, I seriously doubt it, but he told the CSA that he rents a room from a woman (his GF of course). Thing is I doubt that will wash this time as he has no rent book or receipts to prove payment.
The CSA said that if I ' rock the boat' he may stop paying. Surely that's not right.... To worry about 'rocking the boat' I never forget them giving him 3 months free from paying me anything for filling in the forms on time.
And he wasn't paying sod all anyways.
But she was also surprised that he hadn't had a review since 2001. She seemed to think it 'just'.
On other news. Thank you so much Miss Truly 27 or should I say Mrs Truly 27 for the wedding pictures you sent me. You were such a beautiful bride. Breath takingly lovely. xxx


I reckon Cinema is going to die. I know I hated yesterday film, but it cost me nearly 20 quid for us three and Summerlee to go. Then there were sweets, I refused to buy 4, two pound sixty cokes. Rip off merchants.
Then there was the 1/2 hour of solid pathetic adverts we had to sit through. I thought, Hmm maybe we should have waited for the DVD to come out.
I decided I'm a sap. Last night I spent ages stood out the front in my night attire trying to get Kizzy in, so I could go sleep. I even opened a tin of Tuna and stood calling her with this fish in my hand. She'd come right up to me and then run off like some tag game. Then I got angry, FFS my life revolving around some delinquent cat. So I locked her out all night, and it rained too. That'll teach her. In future, if they don't come in on first call, tough. Of course Fat Bailey will always come. Scared to death she may miss an eating opportunity.
Pay Day today. I'm waiting for the big pay rise we're meant to be having. I'll believe it when it happens. Not that I deserve pay, not being at work.
I think I may go shopping today. See if there's any sales stuff around. I really need some school uniform stuff for Danz. I really think her father should help in situations like new school, new school uniform. It's a heck of a lot of money for me to pull out. School Shoes will cost a small fortune. Why is he allowed to get away with 75 quid each child per month and forget all about them?
Oh God, in my bad mood I just phoned the CSA and asked for a reassessment. Now I'm not sure I did the right thing.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Dearest Natalie

~ The Young Knives / NEWS ~

There's nothing wrong with the Young Knives. In fact I thought they rocked the world.;P
(they may need a little make-over though)


Super cool Trin

I want

I really want the new Gorillaz figures. You know I'm an avid Anime fan and these figures smack of really cool Anime. I've always loved cartoons too but they have to be a certain type, a realistic or futuristic type. Not some Scrappy Dappy Doo. Actually Scooby was quite cool before they infested him with the flea Scrappy.
Had a good day. Marie rang!! She's coming round on Wednesday. I haven't seen her for too long. I'm scared I'm getting used to this staying at home milarky. A lady of leisure. Never have been though. From the age of 16 I worked. I worked my way through college and never stopped. I went back to work full time after Abby was born. She was 6 weeks old and I'd had a caesarian. Thinking back, that has to have been the hardest time of my life. Back then, it wasn't so easy to drop to part time. I worked for 7 months full time, then dropped to 30 hours. I had 11 weeks off with Danielle. A bit more sensible but I was really poorly post-partum. A financial struggle though.
As a nurse I have always worked Christmas Day. I used to be so envious of people who could stay at home with their kids and see them grow up... But nah. I'm not now. I feel I've fulfilled my potential. Although , as I drove to work Christmas Days, in the past. I was filled with green jealousy as I passed brightly lit windows with families inside having fun.
Everyone says Christmas on a kids ward must be nice. It's not. Only the very sickest are there. The staff would all rather be at home with their families. It's a weird kind of insular feeling being there. Of course I used to MAKE sure they had fun. I remember one year getting in bed with a teen girl and watching pop idol shouting orders to the nurses. But everyone would rather be home. I'm lucky now. My little section doesn't work weekends or Holidays. It's right though, I've done my fair share and as a single mum I need to be there... For now. Until they've flown the coup.
I long for the days when I can be queen bee in the old peoples home and have first pick of the eligible old men. Just as long as I have my own teeth and can still pee on the toilet.

Bewitched... unfortunately not

We went to see Bewitched. Kind of a birthday thing. Abby wanted us all to go. I was looking forward to a light airy funny movie... how could a film with Will Ferrell in it not be funny?
Bewitched is that Non funny film. I laughed twice, throughout the whole 90 minutes, which felt so so much longer.
Nicole Kidman was totally lightweight, the witches cat was more believable. The so called 'magic' between her and Darrin was sadly missing. Shirley Maclaine was dreadful, her part was a waste of time. Never went anywhere at all, and she looked very old.
Nicole spoke in a breathy girlie voice all the time which pee'd me off. Will Ferrell's PA was a vile tiresome man with no charisma, no point and not funny. I wanted him to disapear. The potential of having fun with magic was lost.
Nicole's wardrobe was horrendous, all cable sweaters and pearl buttoned cardigans. Vile.
The ending was so naff I wanted to walk out. All smushy kissing and pathetic love. I was not convinced. Problem was I hated the Jack (aka Darrin) Character (Will Ferrell) and he never redeemed himself. This is quite possibly the worst fim I've seen in ages. I'm positive this has nothing to do with my mood either. I am fine :)
Wished I'd gone to see Heidi!


Rows of houses all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All these things in all positions
All these things will one day take control
And fade out again and fade out

This machine will will not communicate these thoughts
And the strain I am under
Be a world child form a circle before we all go under
And fade out again and fade out again

Cracked eggs dead birds
Scream as they fight for life
I can feel death can see it's beady eyes
All these things into frution
All these things we'll one day swallow whole
And fade out again and fade out again.