Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Looking back on life, I think my senior school years were just the absolute worst ones. I was talking to a mate last night who said his years weren't all strawberries and cream either.
I guess they kinda mould you into some resemblance of a person, so you can be pushed out into the real world and become a 'valuable member of society'
I think it's slightly better these days as teachers and parents are aware of the possibility of bullying and social exclusion and try to make it better... on the whole. Well...Ok sometimes.....
Danz has started now. Her little group of peers isn't a happy one. Lots of back biting and bitching and some tale involving a ribena carton that I've heard at least 4 times.
Evil Ribena.
She logs on to MSN messenger at night and they all set the world to rights. Is this all in preparation for future coffee mornings where EVERYONE disses everyone elses house, clothes and vile kids at some point?
I hated being a teen. My life wasn't bad, but I guess it was bloody dull. I made up tales about having relatives in Australia and going to see them. I was jealous of Theresa Van de Burt who went away abroad and was an only child... Bloody hell though her life was hardly rosy.
I was a dreadful story teller but the worst bit was telling a friend that my parents were really horrible and I never got anything for my birthday. They ignored the day and my life was miserable. She recounted the tale to her mum who immediately phoned mine to offer to have me over on my birthday.
Uh oh... BIG trouble. My mum was really upset and hurt and I felt like a total shit for ages.
BTW Theresa ran away from home at age 12.. She caught the bus to London. I waved her off at the bus stop and was very surprised when the police came to school and got me out of swimming lessons to ask me if I knew anything about the disappearance of this 12 year old child. She'd been missing 48 hours.
Umm yes sir. She's in London.
It was all because her mum wouldn't let her have a puppy.
Thinking back, I was a very stupid teenager.

cbb goes on and on and on.....

This years Celerity Big Brother's gossip seems to be going on and on and on... Preston is on the Chris Moyles Show this morning. Preston just said he hates The Darkness... /shock!
There was a wrap party last night. There's some pictures on the net scattered around (if you can't get the page to load refresh it)
Preston looked a bit worse for the drink.
But Pete Burns? In Orange? What was he thinking?
My Abby has lost her voice this morning. It's bloody quiet around here. Bless, she's going to go in this afternoon though. Doesn't want to lose too much time. Exams this year.
And me? Well I'm feeling a bit better, more positive. Less paranoia and glad I have some really cool and true friends around this fine country of ours.
Now, to dismantle me bed....

Monday, January 30, 2006

I'm a banana

Take the What Fruit Are You? test by Ellen!

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usThank God I found that out. And there was me thinking I was a pomegranate. How wrong can one girl be?

tra la la tra la la la

"One banana, two banana, three banana, four
Four bananas make a bunch and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the banana buggies go
Comin' to bring you the Banana Split show
Makin' up a mess of fun, makin' up a mess of fun
Lots of fun for everyone

Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la

Four banana, three banana, two banana, one
All bananas playin' in the bright warm sun.
Flippin' like a pancake, popping like a cork
Fleegle, Bingo, Drooper an' Snork


Two banana, four banana, one banana, three
Swingin' like a bunch on monkeys, hangin' from a tree.
Hey there, ev'rybody, won't you come along and see
How much like Banana Splits ev'ryone can be


Makin up a mess of fun
Makin up a mess of fun
Happiness for ev'ryone
Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la
Tra la la, la la la la "

leif damn leif

Former Teen Idol Garrett Charged With Heroin Possession

so Danny Jones is thinking of splitting with McFly (sorry Amy)
In a few years time they'll all be forgotten anyways.
This guy was a hero of mine in the 90's when I was a teenager (shut it)
Look at him now? Shock or what. Leif.... What happened to your flowing locks.
I thought you were "Made for dancing... All night long"...... not sodding heroin.


am I  botherd?
And he said and she said and I said and they said and and and and...............
At what point do we break the peer pressure thing and realise none of it matters.
Who gives a shit?
Abby is in turmoil tonight that she's unintentionally upset someone, that someone said she said something about someone who might say something about someone else and be bitchy to her or someone else at school.... or something
Am I glad I'm not 15 again?
Too right.
Chill out and remember the important stuff in life. It's hardly likely that ANY of her 'friends' will still be her mates in 2 years time. People move on. That's the way things are.
OK so I'm hardly Mother Theresa. Bless you my child for I have sinned.
"You reckon I'm Botherd?" What an ace line from Catherine Tate. Lauren is my heroine.

Do you remember Bambi?
"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. -- Thumper's father" (Bambi 1942).
God, I hated that movie. Traumatised me for life..... where's my momma?

(ps. Thanks Dan and Paul for braving the scary loft with the big spiders last night. I'm still recovering from having the loft door dropped on my head from a great height by Daniel.... botherd? YES!!!)


Now would this make me return to the car phone warehouse?
/wicked grin.
Thanks SBF.

shocked? no

Experts probe girl's heroin case

why is this such a shock? Is it her age?
How many 11 year old smokers are there out there. I drive the girls to school every day and see young kids taking their last puffs before lunchtime.
I expect their parents buy them for them. A family I know of have a 13 year old daughter who does drugs has sex and smokes.
Her parents do drugs... parents who smoke have kids who smoke. One of Abby's friends family all smoke and for years I was so proud of her for not following suit. But she smokes now.
So would it follow that parents who do drugs... any drugs from hash to crack, their kids learn it's part of normal life.They'll do drugs too.
Sometimes in work, I look at the little babies and think,if I took you home you'd have such a better life.
but we aren't in a Big Brother society. The public have to make their own life choices.
Just know this. If Danz at age 12 starts to do drugs and I don't know about it and am so wrapped up in myself that I don't notice the signs. Then I don't deserve to be her Mother. That's not parenthood. That's a cop out.
There's far too little respect for parents these days and there is far too many parents who do not deserve respect.
That 11 year old?
She should be taken far away from her parents.
Because they aren't doing their job. Full stop.

lose it

Anxious anxious anxious. Anxious awake, anxious in my sleep. Wake up feeling anxious about some ridiculous dream. Waiting for the wave of anxiety to sweep over me. The need to pay bills. To overpay so the time doesn't come when the money simply isn't there.
Worrying about the new bed coming Wednesday... Seeing the doctor, fixing the wing mirror, the car insurance, the MOT, the bank, Abby's schooling, St Lucia, my backache, being alone again, my repeat prescription, work work work work work and work again.
Failing, losing peoples respect, failing and more failing, crying, being pathetic.
Losing it.
Just lose it
"Excuse me miss, I don't mean to sound like a jerk
But I'm feelin' just a little stressed out from work
Could you punch me in the stomach and pull my hair?
Spit on me, maybe gouge my eyes out? (Yeah)
Now, what's your name girl?
What's your sign?
"Man, you must be up out your mind"
Beer Goggles! blind!
I'm just tryin unwind now I'm

Now I'm gonna make you dance
It's your chance
Yeah boy shake that ass
Oops I mean girl girl girl girl
Girl you know you're my world
Alright now lose it
Just lose it
Go crazy
Oh baby"

Sunday, January 29, 2006


Now I know I'm not blessed wit the purest of minds but everytime the advert comes on for that Kubb man's song 'Grow' I blush

"Just let it grow
let it grow inside of you
let it grow
let it flow inside of you
let it grow let it grow let it grow"

WTF is he talking about?

BTW, anyone see BBLB this morning? Dermot is so good. But I did laugh at Pete Burns swearing ... they apologised profusley. Dunno why... 'Focking' isn't a sweary word.
I think the outfit with the golden cock on it was far worse.
Now what made me think about that on God's very own Sunday?

1 in 5 women are let down.....

Sat eating me Bacon Sandwich and that sodding advert comes on again. One in five women are let down by their sanitary protection. Fan dabby dosy.
Driving through town on the billoards set high in the air so we can all see it. ONE IN FIVE WOMEN ARE LET DOWN BY THEIR SANITARY PROTECTION. Makes you paranoid to sit anywhere. On Buses or in the cinema. Maybe one of those 5 women have sat there before you? OMG it's a disaster zone.
Check out the website.
FFS you guys....It's a towel.
It's a bit of cotton wool with a stay dry liner. It's not a way of life. Jeez they even have relationship advice.
Can't get a man?... maybe that embarrasing leak is the reason. No one wants a girl with a big red patch on her skirt. And 1 in 5 are let down remember.
Here's some blurb from the website

"We can get to the moon but can't get a towel that doesn't leak? Had never thought about it before , but yep, I do get leaks occassionally".

Thought provoking stuff.
But I prefer to think about Kittens and Chocolate muffins and fishnet stockings.

sunny sunday

Here starts the beginning of a good week (fingers crossed) up early. At the Gym doors at 9am. Swim, sauna and jacuzzi. Nice shower and sat ready waiting for the last Big Brother to start.
Last week was a prime example of me getting upset for other people and forgetting that it's THEIR problem not mine.
I do have to work with that girl on Tuesday that had a 'problem' with me. Not quite sure how to be, but maybe I'll have a go at blending into the background and letting her deal with the flack.
I can do the disappearing trick very easily and see how she likes doing everything I do.
But I refuse to suffer her moaning anymore. She's bringing me down
"Don't Bring me down, Bruce"
Name the band.
My new bed comes Wednesday. That should help my painful back. You reckon I pulled something swimming? Except it doesn't hurt at all, even when swimming but if I lie on it at night it's excruciating.
The hypochondriac in me thinks it's terminal.
It doesn't help being a nurse and having inside knowledge you know.
It gets so hot in that gym. Today I came out in a tee shirt, I was so hot. There was frost on the roads and I got a few weird looks.
I don't care. Whose the getting fit one baby?

Saturday, January 28, 2006


Thank you to Mr Smallbrainfield. Hope you don't mind but after my trials with the Carphone warehouse Bastards this made my entire week!
I see people have been coming here with the search term Carphonewarehouse Bastards... maybe I should start a club.
Found this too..... ummm it's noisy mind, if you're at work.The Crap phone warehouse have a similar tone when they put you on hold. I think it's really to drive you insane so you'll stop bothering them.
I hate them so much.
Abby asked me if this phone was for real... think she wanted one..... can I put her in 2007's CBB as the next Chantelle?


However Yidaho's blog is extremely good. He makes me laugh every time.
Feel sad tonight. No BB to watch. So I got Blade on. I love a bit of vampire action....

great job

The girls have got an inservice day from School Friday. So I guess their hard working teachers are out learning more stuff to make my kids education better?
Umm nope. They're all having a paid day at a spa to destress them.
I want to be a teacher.

'Celebrity Big Brother' NME news

NME.COM - News - Preston reveals all about 'Celebrity Big Brother':

"And the indie favourites have not ruled out a post-'Big Brother' collaboration. Maggot said: 'We did talk about it, but I'll gonna have a word with the boys, I'm sure we'll sort something out. Get Chantelle as well, get everyone involved, like Live Aid.' "

I think Preston and Maggot did so well to maintain their integrity and come out heroes. I fancy seeing The Ordinary Boys/GLC collaboration though... Especially if they get Chantelle up there and be the girl from the R'n'B video.
I really liked Maggot on the show. He was extremely underrated.
Other fab news... I got Ordinary Boys Tickets this morning. They're coming to Bristol in April.... Yay.
Having a very quiet day today. Miss Dylan like crazy (yes I know that's not good) .. Think I need my rock after this weeks trials and tribulations.
But I'm stronger than I think I am... Silly billy I am.
Hurry up BB7.

having a happy day!

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paris vs chantelle

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how to feel old in 10 seconds

We have a ward receptionist at work called Kate, She's about 8 years younger than me. Nice girl, she has two girls aged about 6 and 8 years. She has a picture of them at the beach on the wall by her pc in work.
She wasn't in yesterday. So there I am sat at her PC doing computer work when one of the parents from the other ward walked round and said hello to me. As she passed she looked at Kate's pictures. "Nice girls" She said happily "Are they you're grandchildren?"
The perfect end to a perfect working week.


Yesterday was a funny old day. Busy and demanding but I came away from work realising that I really do care. I care about these families with these little sick kids. I care with passion and the need to try very hard to make things right.
I couldn't work in an NHS environment where we do the bare minimum and never the human face. My unit has that human face and if it should ever change with our move to pastures anew in the next couple of years, then I shall have to ditch the profession and go work elsewhere.
I've kinda won a competition!
I entered this competition at the local Cineworld about my best friend. And I told them how selfless and simply lovely Collette was. They rang me to say I'd come second and they were sending me something in the post.
That was nice wasn't it? Something positive and warm and good out of a pretty crap week really.
I cried when Chantelle won BB last night. Bless her, what a little sweet ray of sunshine in an embittered old drag Queen house. Really sad it's all over. I like having it on the TV. I'm a BB addict. I did really want Preston to win though.
Oh and guess what? The Carphone Warehouse sent me a customer satisfaction survey to fill out. I don't quite think satisfaction was the right word somehow.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

uh oh

Right, I know you're all thinking what now?
Today started fine. I was ok, I slept in. Got myself sorted and was fully in the mood for work. I arrived on time. It was quiet. One patient in there being admitted. I went to help. Joined in and did my work.
About an hour later I began to feel very negative vibes towards me and I was frankly a bit perplexed. No idea why and tired to ignore it, until me and a very senior doctor got a verbal lashing. We were both shocked and moved away. Once alone I quietly apologised and that was the end of it.
Then the certain person went home.
I remarked to my other colleague that I was shocked at the outburst earlier. Then the shit hit the fan.
She told me the other person had gone to complain about me. She'd been crying, she said I was overbearing, interfering and critical.
Now, this is a very fragile week. I am a hard task master, I expect 100% of myself and others. But I think I'm fair and do it with humour and good will.
Maybe I don't, Maybe I really am crap.
They said it wasn't my problem but hers. But I'm having a slidey time. I feel a bit unsteady this week.
I got upset... Rather upset. Like ripping my hair out upset.
I haven't done that in ages and ages.
It's ok, I was alone. It wasn't infront of patients or anything.
Then I ceased to function and got sent home.
With huge doubts and my little self worth I've tried to build up.
I'm also really sad that we don't really all get on. That there is this awful back stabbing.
I don't want to go back there.

new day

Thursday Morning and a much calmer happier Trin. Bailey is chilling after being up all night partying to celebrate the booting out of the "Bitter twisted and patronising" (Radio One words not mine) George Galloway from the Big Brother house.
Plus the frankly obnoxious Dennis Rodman.
I'm ok today. Tired, but I'm calm. Sorry for the little minor blip. I think I got a bit drunk last night and made a bit of a fool of myself. Sorry.
I've been so stressed for a few days. I know there was no reason to be. I know I'm an old drama queen a lot of the time.
I'm also becoming aware that all these things aren't a sign that I'm having a mental relapse. That everyone feels that way at some point.
I have taken to having a drink occasionally in the evenings to release some tension. Just a glass of wine...Nothing major. But I know that's not good. I'll stop it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

problems problems

Life is a bit fraught here at the moment, but it'll be ok. I just need to be strong and firm without losing the very essence that is me.
However, it still bugs me that I need support from people and my reaction when it's not forthcoming is so gut wrenching. That's when I think I don't need friends. I'm better on my own then no one can upset me.
I know I have numerous issues for a counsellor and when I finally get some I'll be a better person.
Last night was awful.
I got home from work at 3.30, got back in the car at 4.15 drove through the traffic to rainbows. Got back home at 6.30 then left to pick up Abby at 7.30 pm.
I found the Caribbean restaurant ok, but was on a one way system, so I carried on with the traffic and thought I knew where I was going. After 15 minutes of driving we arrived back at the restaurant. We'd done a huge complex circle.
So I took another road, and ended up back on the one way system going the wrong way yet again. Finally I turned round in a garage and was heading the right way. But by taking the temple meads bypass route I was in big trouble. It was closed and I was forced onto the M32 heading out to London.
After a while I did some illegal U turn, came back down the M32 and got stuck behind two huge diggers which blocked the road and forced me to take the same road back towards the restaurant. By this time I was crying.
Abby felt awful for asking me to pick her up and I was beside myself. It took 45 minutes to drive home.
I guess it ruined her fun night, what a horrid mother.
I'm a bit flat today. Don't worry you guys, I'll be ok. Maybe I need some Sun.
Everywhere around here seems drab and sad and I find it hard to see anything in the next few months that's not sad or final.
Danz said that on her way back from school yesterday there was a huge crowd at the local shops. Hundreds of people and ambulances and cars. I thought there'd been some sort of major accident but it turns out Holby City filmed there.
This morning the kids are still fuming with watching Celebrity Big Brother last night. They hate George Galloway Pete Burns and Dennis Rodman with passion. Last nights argument left Abby in tears. Nasty television and if that stupid, self centred evil, snake eyed politician thinks this will have endeared him to the younger voter he is very sadly mistaken.
Anyways it's Another day..... I'm meant to be at the Vets with Taylor, but he has this 6th sense and done a runner. Every other day he's been curled up on my bed... Today? Gone.
Oh to be a cat.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


I am so stressed today. Incredibly overwhelmingly stressed.
I'm finding it hard to rationalise why I feel this way.
I arrived in work at 09.15. The traffic was it's usually hideousness. The Radio was talking complete crap even the new Virgin breakfast show was rubbish. Too much talk and not enough music.
I walked through the work doors and burst into tears. Why? I don't fecking know. I have no idea why I was just so pathetic this morning but I felt vulnerable and fragile and had this feeling of just clinging onto the edge of the cliff and I might let go any second.
What a stupid cow.
Anyways My head and back hurts and I ache everywhere and it's all down to me being so tense.
Back home, I have Rainbows. Collette is still in hospital with her boy so I'm on my own tonight, I have to drive over there through the traffic. Then come home. And leave within an hour to collect Abby from some Caribbean meal she's going to (with the St Lucia lot) which is over the other side of the city.
I just forked out 24 quid for her coach ticket to the airport and 15 quid for this meal tonight.
And I'm tired and feel every sodding tiny little thing falls on my head. Everything (as it should I guess) and my whole body hurts with the enormity of living.

ps... yes I am a miserable bitch.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Monday Miserable

Today was a dentist day. I'm actually very pissed off with my dentist. After being with them for 17 years, they've gone private and have removed me from their books. I get free treatment and refused to join the 20 quid a month private plan they had... I don't think that was to pay for all treatment either, just a discounted rate.
So today was my last appointment.
On the way I stopped for petrol. I was in a bit of a hurry. The till assistant in Somerfield garage was telling the customer some lengthily tale about his diabetic wife.
I finally got served. He was chirpy. I'm a miserable old cow. He asked me if I liked the music playing in the background.
I shrugged non committally. I didn't recognise it at all. "Name what film this is from" he asked enthusiatically.
No idea, I remarked.
"Disney Treasure Island with the Muppets" he enthused.
I arrived at the dentist on time, to be informed her was already 30 minutes behind time.
So I sat with the 2 year out of date magazines.
In fact he was 45 minutes late.
I watched the other patients called in to different surgeries... Private surgeries. Mines the token NHS dentist.
They were greeted by the dentist, little chat, smiles and all politeness.
After 45 minutes of waiting mine grunted Trinity.
I hate this man, he's not exactly crap as a dentist, but he's very uncommunicative. I hate it when he does stuff to me and doesn't explain or tell me what he's doing. I need control. I cope better.
Anyways I had a filling, he hurt me. Probably wasn't the best idea to have a pop at him for throwing me out as an NHS patient prior to surgery. Or remark on how fed up I get that he is always substantially late with appointments.
Fucks me off. In my hospital we try hard not to make people wait for appointments. And if they do have to wait we APOLOGISE.
So I arrived at 10.00 and got out about 11.30. Wasted morning of my one day off in a week.
It's all to do with money. Bastards want more and more money. Greedy w*ankers.
Oh what a good mood I'm in now and my mouth is numb, I swear he put enough lignocaine in there to numb half of Bristol.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

someone is sat in my chair


fell asleep waiting for her boyfriend to call.......
she went missing today, we found her in the tumble dryer.

look Clazza

like yours!!

well not red I guess.

Hello Karl

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.

Love the little nekkid picture of you... are you still as cute?

Get lost Shayne

Arctic Monkeys top charts again

Finally the crap music buyers of the UK have given up and the frankly dreadful Shayne (chav) Ward has fallen off number one tumbling all the way to number 5. Hallelujah!
The chart isn't exactly packed with talent this week ut there's a few gems and yes, I am pleased to see Will Young at number 3. He works hard, has talent and we mustn't penalise him for starting off on that crap TV reality show.
I do like The Ordianry Boys 'Boys will be Boys' at number 30. But then again, I always did rate them.
And yay! for the album chart. Hard Fi's 'Stars of CCTV' is absolutely excellent. It's dirt cheap everywhere too, buy it. You won't regret it.

Not his fault.

Sundays are sumptuous

I got some car insurance online last night, actually I fretted about it after because after I entered my credit card details I realised Firefox didn't have the little padlock at the bottom.Anyways it was with NIS Sovereign which afterwards I found out was some branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland. There's a relief.
The various quotes I got were ridiculous though. The infamous Sheila's Wheels wanted £650. My quote from Liverpool Victoria was £ 556. FFS I don't drive a sports car. But NIS was a couple hundred cheaper and allowed me to pay in installments from Visa so I was happy.
I also got some Mobile Phone insurance from foneshield. I had mobile phone insurance once before (for the nokia) it was so expensive but this was very reasonable and I no longer have to worry about using the Feckphone warehouse for any more problems. Now I have pink V3 Happiness.
I've been to the gym today. Did some lengths in the pool and had a sauna. It was lush and I felt so good afterwards.
There's such a massive happiness (endorphin) kick from exercise.You just need to find it, once you learn to work through the burn to the other side you're laughing!
It's kinda ok to be fat at the gym. No one stares or points at you. You're there trying to do something about it and they respect that.
Still self conscious though.... And I'm tired now. Chlorine makes my eyes smart.
I had a letter through from the CSA yesterday. It seems my application for reassessment was rejected by them. Something about government legislation saying that unless the father's income has increased to massive proportions and the awarded money is at least 10 pounds a week per child more then they can't reassess and award more money. So I guess my £17 per week per child will have to surfice.
I'm sorry if I sound bitter but 17 quid goes no where, but I now know at least where I stand and I fear his lack of involvement in their lives will be his undoing as far as being a dad goes in the future.
I have to admit to finding it hard doing everything myself. Every single little thing is on my shoulders. But on a happier note, I still wouldn't take him back if he was the last man (I say that term lightly) on this Earth, so get on with it Trin and stop moaning.
Danielle's passport has been issued. That cost £34. She'd better bloody enjoy Ireland at half term.
And I shall enjoy a few days of peace without these delightful (but demanding)girls wanting me.
BB ends this week,I hate it ending :( Always lost for a few days. I'm a hopeless addict to it.
Never mind we always have celebrity Ice Skating to watch... The gayest show on the planet.
Andi Peters? What a fine little mover. (snigger)

Saturday, January 21, 2006

gym trin

I rejoined the gym...I'm so excited. I did it for 6 months. Now until August. Paid upfront so I don't have to find the money. I'm all excited now. Going to be slim (well slimmer maybe!) and fitter and out of this house more!
And they have these lush power showers too. I tried hard to use the local swimming baths but it's so old and grimmy and basic there. Cubicles with plastic modesty covers that don't fit right. Showers in full view of the whole pool. Chipped tiles everywhere...OMG I'm a classy bitch. I need power showers and high power hair dryers... stuff the fecking exercise.
You know some people go there and just use the jacuzzi for an hour?
tut tut.
I've been to the hospital to check on Collette this afternoon. Dreadful location that place, right in the centre of town. No parking and awful traffic.
I felt really tearful going in. Makes me think, how visitors and relatives must feel when they come into the wards. Nervous anxious scared? As it's a 'Days Work' for us. For them it's a major trauma.
I think we'd do well to remember that, though some staff who aren't perhaps as worldly still have a lot to learn about such human matters.
Anyways, Collette was holding up strong as I knew she would, the patient looked poorly but still had his sense of humour. He really is a nice lad, always has been from a mischievous baby boy to a really decent, clever and intelligent teen.
Horrid seeing him in the bed though. I got him a football magazine. We laughed he already had three the same... obv. not a great stock of teen boy magazines available.
Abby's worried about him. She wanted to go visit, I expect I'll let her next week.
OMG you now all know Collette has a teen... and she tells everyone she's younger than me.... you all know I'm only 23.


These cats are driving me mad. Why can't they all get along and be friends? It's like living in the Big Brother House.
Taylor is the mad Michael Barrymore. Unpredictable as ever. He asks for food. I feed him then he refuses to eat... No idea why. Kizzy is Chantelle, pretty dim and fluffy. And Bailey.... hmmmm I think Bailey is Pete. She loves to start a fight for no reason. She sits by the cat flap refusing to let the others in. Taylor barges though with a growl and menacing glare but Kizzy is scared to death of her.
Bailey? my kitten? has turned into a threatening menace.
I need cat psychology classes.

Saturday string

I doubt myself as a mother all the time. My mother said something to me today that I took a bit of offence to, but it wasn't said nastily. She said my girls seem to have more than any other children she knows.
Hmmm, maybe. But sometimes I'm trying to make up for their lack of normal lives. I feel all the time a bit of a failure and never good enough. Damn how ridiculous.
Today Abby wants to go see Underworld at the cinema.
It's an 18. I can't take Danz... Plus I'm tired and it's Saturday and work was very intense last night and left me a bit fraught and Collette rang me at 9pm to say her eldest, whose birthday it was yesterday, collapsed at school had a blue light to hospital with ? Meningitis. Was really poorly, nearly ended up in paediatric intensive care... Which was the only reason he didn't come to my hospital... They didn't want him too far way from ICU.
He has septicaemia and poorly and I'm worried for Collette.Poor girls had enough quite frankly.
I asked Abby to go with a friend... But she hasn't really got a close friend. Makes me sad, she's a nice kid. No edge to her. But she hasn't got anyone close to do stuff with.
Mad old world.


1"When masturbation's lost its fun
You're f**king lazy"

2"The future teaches you to be alone the present to be afraid and cold
'So if I can shoot rabbits then I can shoot fascists'"

3"That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover"

4"Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying."

Brilliant moving inspiring lyrics that have called to me through the years....
So I did laugh when I read this today
"Rapper sues 50 Cent over lyrics"
The lyric in question?
"Go shorty, it's your birthday."
Now isn't that a classic lyric worth fighting over?

1 Green Day
2 Manic Street Precahers
3 Coldplay
4 Pink Floyd

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Final Showdown

Tonight I went to retrieve my little phone from the Craphone Whorehouse (ha exaxis)
I took a friend as I was in such a tizzy and didn't want to be bullied.
We spent 45 minutes in the store collecting it.
We arrived. I handed over the docket and car phone man scurried off to find pink phone.
After a while of not being able to find it, it was discovered and he scanned it into the till.
"That will be £75" he said breezily.
My friend stepped in with a firm "No".
I explained that I had been quoted 30 quid and that was all we were willing to pay.
The guy spent ages staring at the screen then went off to see if he could find a manager.
Unfortunately she was having a dispute with another customer over a price of something in the carphone warehouse leaflet that had gone up in price.
I got nervous, I could see this escalating. My friend whispered to me to be firm, it was ok.
Whilst he was gone we nicked the engineers report from the side and read it.
It was NOT a software problem, they hadn't even looked at the software. It was a complete speaker failure and it had been replaced. It had 75 quid written by it.
The man came back. He said he couldn't understand how I'd been quoted 30 quid as no-one did that... How did the assistant know it was going to be that price.
DUH... Because he went and asked the engineer maybe!
Then I spotted something written on the back of the report.
Deep Joy. The original assistant had written thirty pound quote on the document.
I pointed it out. I said I'd felt they hadn't believed me and now they could see I was telling the truth.
"Ok, yes you will get this phone back for thirty pounds" he said "But not tonight"
Apparently the only person who could remove the 75 quid charge from the screen was the engineer and he wasn't at work.
So they said I couldn't have the phone until tomorrow.
I remained calm and said that I was taking MY phone home with me tonight end of story.
There was another 10 to 15 minute delay then finally the manager turned up and they gave in.
They charged me 30 quid, gave me the phone and said they'd sort it tomorrow but made sure they took my number so they could get back to me if they needed anything further from me.
Piss off I say.
I have my phone back and they can jump through a hoop for any further dealings with me.
I felt this sense of relief then was really quite down about it all. Why? Because I feel I've had such bad service and really didn't need that trauma. Idiots.
But I have my phone back and Karma is finally restored.

more fuss

I'm getting all anxious again. I can feel me getting all tense at the thought if it.
I called the car phone warehouse. The phone will be ready this evening... 99% they think. I spoke to a girl.
When I took it in they told me there was a thirty quid flat charge for the repair. I asked if it would be anymore. I admitted it was unlocked immediately. They said no, thirty quid all in.
Today they tell me there's a £75 penalty charge for unlocking it.
I disputed (nicely) gave the name of the sales man and told them I was assured there'd be no hidden charges. I'd been completely upfront about the unlocking. They reckon the unlocking caused the speaker malfunction (right)
She was pleasant. She said come on in and we will discuss it.
I'm scared.
I don't want another scene. I hate them and I'm getting worked up thinking about it.
Trying not to cry here.

Round here

Why don't people go out to work round here?
I was people watching the other day. I was watching the young men in Symes Avenue kicking cans up against the shutters on the empty shops. I was watching the young women each and every one with a pushchair and at least three kids tagging on and laden with shopping on the pushchair handles struggling to get home.
What happens to people around here that makes them this way.
I guess a number of issues and points but the fundamental basis of life is missing.
We work, we earn money to do stuff then on our days off we spend the money and relax.
I feel much sympathy for my neighbours around me. Living off the government there is little money left to do stuff like have holidays or go to the cinema. Sometimes they don't even have gas money too cook food or keep warm.
It's then I feel guilty that I moan I don't have enough and want to give them money to help out.
But what's the point in hand outs?
It never teaches self sufficiency.
These aren't drunks or drug addicts, these are normal average and very nice people.
And I guess the legacy will continue through their own kids because they don't know any better.
Maybe it's scary taking that first step towards work. But self esteem and financial need are so important.
I've had people knocking on my door begging for a pound coin to put some electric on their meter.
Round here people seem to have more and more kids. It's because it's something they CAN do and do well.
available in pink blue and 18 carat gold
My neighbours friend has just had a baby... a girl very sweet little thing, but she was boasting that she already has 8 pairs of trainers. You know the baby ones?
Nike or Reebok, they cost 20 to 30 quid a pair.
My girls have one pair each and they cost a tenner.
Makes me sad living here, all around me is apathy and despair and desolation.
I know, it's not all bad. There's some hard working salt of the earth people here and there's also behind the scenes organisations trying hard to address these issues, but for some people this will be their lives. And their children's lives and it will continue for time immemorial.

cutting up the dead... again

Jon presents a particularly fine example of manhood.
Well those of you who know me the best will be well aware how facinated I am by Prof Von Hagens and Bodyworlds in general. Channel 4 have been showing a series of Autopsys again late at night and it's all very interesting stuff....
Made all the more interesting by the male models they use.
My God they're well endowed.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

people really go there......?

Watching BB and the adverts came on. Visit Tel Aviv. Think Israel...hmmm right.
Then the next advert is for Steven Spielberg's film Munich.
Right. Sure I want to visit the place... not.


I see Fathers for Justice have temporarily stopped after the allegations that a fraction of their organisation were going to try snatch Little Leo Blair.
I don't think they'd have got far, crikey even the dumbest of cops would surely notice a prat in a superman costume running off with the PM's son?
Scary though isn't it? That if you're famous you might get your kid snatched. Good job I'm just ordinary because I'm sure someone would want my two..... Yes they would you buggers!
Abby is doing my sister's ironing. She gets paid a fiver a black bag. Earns her a little money.
She just shouted out miserably that she wishes Jo wouldn't send over stuff that was so creased.

Truculent trin

I'm irritable and it's spilling out into my surroundings.
Not sure why I feel that way. Maybe everyone gets irritable now and then. I think it's stress, though WTF I have to be stressed about ATM, it's ridiculous.
The Bristol traffic, in the mornings is hideous. Queues and more queues. This morning it took mean hour, sat bonnet to bumper listening to GWR traffic information and getting more depressed by the second.
Then I got stuck behind a learner driver at 09.20 who was all over the shop and it just about finished me off.
But patience woman. For heavens sake.
GWR had this guy on who is Bristols 'only' male escort. His name was Mike. He charges women to take them out for dates and extra for sex. I was gobsmacked. Do women REALLY need to pay for sex? He also had this really broad Bristol accent with a slight lisp and sounded real chav. He said he was a woman expert and knew all the little things women liked. Right.
Anyways, work was crap. Busy and confusing and one girl I was working with snapped at me, and I got a bit upset.
Didn't show anyone though, just kept it inside. But I'll make the bitch pay... You wait and see.
Why am I such a horrid person?
I guess I was made that way.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Child support

My application for reassessment of child support was entered on the 22/8/05. I STILL haven't heard anything so I called today. I was very much of the thought that the CSA is pretty crap slow and inefficient but maybe I'm wrong.
The problem is the kids father. The woman I spoke to said that he appears to have used delaying tactics all the way through.
He hasn't supplied information. They've had to write to him several times for each issue to get him to respond.
Then right at the end, when they thought they could sort it, he's declared that he has excessive travel expenses to work. This has to be legally looked at and sent to the travel to work department to validate his claim.
This will take at least another 2 weeks if not longer. FFS why couldn't he have told them that in August?
The woman says that his tactics appear to be delaying. The more he delays the longer he gets to pay 75 quid per child a calendar month.
Danielle had a lot of Christmas and Birthday money. Last night we bought her a laptop from Dell, very reasonable. I add to add a hundred pound to it, but it's what she wanted. She'll repay me somehow (she's a good kid)
It came with a free printer but being incredibly stupid, I forgot to add it. So today I called and tried to order it. Their call centre is in India.
I don't think it was the English that threw them but maybe my broad west country accent.
They couldn't understand a word, so had to put me through to a nice guy called David in Southern Ireland.
That made my day. I have a passion for the Irish accent.
Anyways he sorted it for me. I hope Dell are ok, a couple of people have said they are good.
Hmmm, child support and buying laptops in the same post.
What do you think of that?
The kids of today need computers and Danz doesn't get a chance with me and Abby on this one.
I'm not trying to stitch my ex up. I just want what I'm entitled to.
After all he was the one who left us high and dry and homeless and ill and penniless.
And I'm not exaggerating.

Monday, January 16, 2006

the truly rubbish carphone warehouse

The Carphone warehouse have just made me cry for the second time in 2 weeks. I urge everyone who reads this blog to boycott this truly dreadful store. Their customer care is disgraceful and frustrating. You can't get through on the phones to them and when someone fnally picks up they are truly obnoxious.
This morning I'm trying to find out how the phone is doing. They've had it 10 days.
I was put through to various departments. Finally spoke to a very rude man named Gus.
He said he wasn't able to give me any information on the progress of the phone because I wasn't the person who'd bought it.
Duh! I said it was a gift and I had the reciept, customer number and work number.
Tough he said. You aren't the named person.
I pointed out that I wasn't trying to access information on a patient in a hospital ward, rather a sodding mobile phone.
It was my phone. What happens if you get brought a gift from the crap-phone warehouse.
It seems the person who brought it is eternally the owner in their eyes.
I told them their system was crap and he said I am terminating this call now and hung up on me. I hate them so much. I want the phone back. There must be other repair centres. I am paying for that repair, it's not free.
I am fuming.
And they made me cry.

tabloids tizzy over teachers

adds a whole new meaning to Spring the vault.


I woke up in a panic. I had yet another dream about the girl who used to be my best friend and soul mate 5 years ago.
She'd phoned me and I remember being touched and emotional and hopeful that she'd be my friend again.
Then I'd asked her if she wanted to meet, go out for a drink or something and she turned me down flat. She was cold and impersonal and I was hurt again.
She dropped me when the kids father walked out on us. She didn't seem to understand anything and said I was manipulative and a bad person. She called me attention seeking.
Then she used to invite him round and tell him stuff about me.... Ammo for him. He was trying to take the kids off me.
I've had dreams where she's chasing me.
However I do want to make my peace with her, I wrote her a long letter last Christmas but she ignored it.
Something else to work through with a counsellor I guess.
We did everything together, everything. I shall never let anyone get that close again (except my Collette, but she's not human. She's an angel)

Sunday, January 15, 2006


BTW 16 hours for the laptop disk defrag. Is that a world record?

how british are you?

I am 97.5% British, just like
HRH Prince Charles
Though you'll never be king you certainly know where your castle is.

Take the Brit Quiz at

Quiz written by Daz

Why not listen to Tom Corven, a Podcast book by Paul Story.

(Stolen shamelessly from Steve... )


I was thinking about my blog last night. It all seems so samey and dull these days. Maybe it always was. I'm nervous about letting it go though, because I still have those low times when I desperately need someone to tell shit to and there never will be anyone in my life suitable to take such information. Although maybe if I could just get some decent counselling?
I hate the blog slipping though. I love my blog. It's like home.
Just lately a few people have said stuff about me not being around much and I haven't got any answers.
When I started the Anti-Deps my mind went into shut down. Then I got used to them and the mania took over. Moments of sheer creativity (that probably weren't any good) but I had a need to write and share and show stuff.
I'd wake up at 3am and have to switch on the pc and write.
The new pills seems to have levelled me out like a concrete path. I'm not sure if this is real or what the hell's going on. But don't diss me for not being the same anymore. I couldn't maintain that frenzied roller coaster of a ride. It kept trying to throw me off and once not so long ago I actually fell from the top of the ride and nearly hit the ground.
I dunno, maybe I should ditch the blog. Getting upset because I get a bad comment is silly. If you're that fecking sensitive you shouldn't have a blog.
It's not just the blog though. Things are so lack lustre here. My psychiatrist says that I am wrong. This is normality not lack lustre. Touching the extremes of a bi-polar high may be the most exhilarating thing but its not normal and is dangerous.
I find it hard to get excited about anything.
We went out to dinner with the family today. I sat in the corner. I actually felt incredibly flat. My own fault completely. I didn't feel part of it. But just maybe that's normal, maybe a lot of people feel that way in family situations.
Then I realise that I must be getting better because I'm trying to rationalise stuff and not just cry "It's because I'm not normal" Of course I'm normal. Too normal and dull for words. An average single mother trying to make ends meet and get a little purpose into her life.
There, I said it. Whose interested in reading the tales of me? Maybe it's presumptuous of me to even have a blog?
Anyways. I guess you don't have to read this crap if you have something more exciting to do.
Anyways, I'm sorry if I don't email you, text you (don't talk to me about mobile phones) write as much as I did.
I can barely cope with working every day and the housework.
And, come on.. I need to watch Celebrity BB 24/7. The demands of modern life.

it couldn't happen to Victor Meldrum

Man's vigil at wrong hospital bed

"The man himself identified the wrong patient as his mother.When the man's daughter arrived, she recognised that the woman was not her grandmother and the ward team was alerted."

Like the scene from a comedy programme. How the hell could a man wrongly identify his own mother?
You'd think sitting by her for a while he would have noticed that the woman who gave birth to him wasn't the woman laid there?

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Happy Birthday Danz

birthday Pizza
"12 today".
I can't quite believe it's gone so fast.
She went to the cinema with her school friends and now has Hollie here to sleep over. They're upstairs watching a Girls Aloud DVD (as you do at 12)
Thursday night we all went out with Dylan for a pizza at Pizza Hut. It was good but bloody freezing. Their heating had broken down and we sat shivering with pizza and unlimited drinks with ice and unlimited ice cream.....
I got a letter from the passport office today to say that A, her father hasn't sent his passport to them and B, the photograph I had taken at the Mall wasn't acceptable. Now this was a proper passport photo service. It cost me a fiver and I'm not pleased at all.
I think I shall return them next week and get a refund... The product wasn't accepted for what I paid for so they better not argue with me.
She loved her Ipod Nano, I had fun downloading it onto the PC. I'm sure it's easier with an Apple Mac.
Bailey helps to unwrap the presents
Bailey helps to unwrap everything in sight. Her bum has gotten so big she has to squeeze through the cat flap now.
the sleepover club
Anyways. She wasn't born until 23.30hrs so she has another 2 1/2 hours until she's 12.
Happy Birthday Baby. xxx

Friday, January 13, 2006

cutting edge of technology

My Little Secret

Well, what a thing. A talking vibrator. You can record in your own voice or the voice of your lover.
Or some other secret little man you fantasize over... Imagine taking the thing to church to record the voice of the vicar. Mint.

Friday 13th

I've spent the evening running around buying birthday cakes and wrapping paper ready for the birthday tomorrow.
Her father just rang me. He seemed to be peeved that he'd been asked to get a 15 quid play station game for her. Its a SingStar PS2 game I notice there's a more up to date XFactor one from Amazon but she'd asked for the 80's version for some reason.
He was pissed off he'd been asked to spend so much.
He kept on and on about what had I brought her? Well what did I get her, come on... I got angry and thought sod it.
I have brought her an Ipod. A 2MB one.
I finally snapped and said, a bloody ipod. He went quiet. "second hand?"
I fucking hate him.
I ran out of one of my pills last weekend. So I had to buy them over the counter.
I put a prescription in Monday. Tuesday it came back... I'd ordered six things. One was sent to me.
So I put in a second request. Today I collected them...I was sent two more things. But none of them were the thing I'd run out of.
I flipped. It's not rocket science. Are they idiots at the health centre?
So I had to go to the doctors. Wait for a prescription and take it to the chemist attached to the health centre.
I then had to wait behind 4 Methadone users to have their drugs dispensed and wait for them to drink it before they served me.
My stress levels were rising. The car parking outside is all double yellow lines now. I'm tired, been to work all day. Annoyed about the prescriptions, and I have a rotten head cold and I'm all fuzzy and heady.
Anyways, it's all over.
Sometimes I wish I had someone to look after me. To share stuff with. To come with me when I have to do awful things like complain or make decisions.
Then I think, shit we'd bloody argue all the time and I'm an unbearable bitch to live with.

Bristol bus atrocity

One of the girls in work (Leigh) was shocked today. She'd traveled in by bus as she always does. The bus was three stops from the Hospital and it stopped. The bus driver (who had been a grumpy git the whole trip) got out of his cab and came to the back of the bus, he stopped behind her and addressed the girl sat directly behind Leigh.
Leigh said she turned round slightly and identified another nurse from the Hospital in a staff nurse uniform. The girl was from a Black ethnic group.
The bus driver started to shout at the girl. He said she hadn't paid enough, that she'd paid up to zone A but this was now Zone B.
The girl replied that she'd paid £ 2.80 as she always did and she had no more money on her.
The bus driver said he wanted her off his bus now.
Leigh turned around and asked how short of fare she was. She was told 90p and Leigh got a pound out of her pocket and tried to give it to the bus driver.
He pushed it away and told her this wasn't her problem and to mind her own business.
Then he frog marched the staff nurse off the bus and drove off.
Leigh said she almost got off with her, but was panicked at being late for work (she has to open the unit up)
As the bus passed the now walking staff nurse the bus driver said quite loudly "Fucking black Bitch"
I begged Leigh to report him, she took his number. I hope she does. Absolutely disgraceful plus I know of no single fares (it was before 8am) within Bristol that cost £ 3.70.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

for justice and for goodness.

Work was wild today. Something major has been going down there. Something awful and unmentionable and too gut wrenching to even consider that it was true.
But today at midday it all ended. It began with a whisper, "It's over, he's free"
I never doubted it for a second. Not a nanosecond.
The whole place seemed to stop, people crying and hugging. Relief happiness and a tad of anger that someone as special as him could have been subjected to such a horrendous ordeal.
15 months of sheer hell. 15 months of uncertainty. That justice would prevail but the terror of "What if it gets it wrong?"
But it wasn't wrong. It was right.
Not sure what happens now.
Apart from the best drink in history and an evening to beat a million Christmasses.
And the unsettling awareness that there are people out there who do these awful things to ruin peoples lives.
We love you mate. I hope that even in the darkest days you never doubted that.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

need a reason to stay in bed?

Why it's not a great idea to get out of bed in a hurry

Apparently "GETTING up in the morning is the first, and for many people, the most perilous moment of the day. "

Soooo I say more lie ins. End of argument!
Apparently you're more likely to have an accident in the first 3 minutes of waking than if you're blind drunk....


Have you noticed that people do not seem to have any sense of road positioning anymore? The art of being on the road in the right position as to not hinder other road users. Is it so hard to keep your car on the right side of the line?
On the way to work I drive through Westbury on trym and Henleaze. It's packed with the grey hair brigade in their Maestros and safe Volvos. They haven't got a sodding clue how to drive. They're over the line, driving American style. We reach the traffic lights and they're so far to the right that any buses trying to turn left in front of them can't get around the corner. I bloody hate them.
Danielle is meant to be going to the Pantomime with Girl Guides Friday night, but she's come home with her very first invite to her new friends birthday party the same night(10 pin bowling and dinner out). I've paid for the Panto. She should really go. But what to do? Peer pressure is so important.. To be accepted and have mates in secondary school. So I gave her the choice and the friends won.
Still feel guilty though. The Girl Guide leaders give up so much time and effort for their pack.
Work is vile ATM. I think I need a holiday but there isn't any spare. I have holiday to take. I'm so tired all the time and so short tempered.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. He was well pleased with me. He says I'm tons better, more in control and more level and he feels that the happiness I strive for isn't real anyways. Happiness is inside and he thinks I should accept this way I am now as happy. Not sure If I understand it properly but the main thing I like about him is he doesn't try to interpret the way I think and feel to some thing he says it should mean and also he doesn't tell me how to feel. He's very down to earth. Plus Italian dark with an accent. Hmmmm.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

billie pat

Of course Abby... I have seen Green Day live in Cardiff......
I'd like to lift Billie Joe's flaps... oooeeer

Green Day and Postman Pat in the same photo will have Abby very excited.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

new perfume

Danger Red Voltage, Sir Cliff has a new perfume out. Devil Woman. Available next to David Beckham's in Superdrug... who wears this stuff?
BTW I posted this from Image Shack. A new function. I like new stuff.

More Kitties

My sister says they're really naughty. Tiny fell in the dogs water bowl yesterday. It's my sisters birthday tomorrow... they seemed to like the pink bag her present came in.....


Cat in a hat!


I had the weirdest dream. I was in the BB house and madly in love with Pete Burns from Dead Or Alive. We were getting on well and he started to kiss me and I was well into him, then Mick Jagger turned up. Then I woke up.
This is grossly disturbing seeing he's a 6 foot cross dressing, gorrilla skin wearing ' guy'.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Saturday with Trin.

We went to the Mall. I'm glad I went because It stopped my self destructive mood. Mind, I took some persuading to get there. But we arrived and it was ok. Busy but not packed. The girls had fun in O'Neils picking up some really cool bargains for a fiver.
After careful deliberation with a friend, I took the Motorola back to the carphone warehouse in the Mall. No joy. They wouldn't budge on their guarantee position. But they took it for repair and were nice. It was a young man. He gave me a loan phone to use. Cost me 50 quid mind. But can't cope without a phone. Plus I get the money back in 2 weeks when the repair is done.
Least I was calm though, I feel better and it's sorted.
On the way out the traffic was awful. We were snaking out of the car park. Abby noticed a car three in front of us with the rear passenger door open, actually very open. As we travelled further I noticed toys in the window and spotted a baby's head. I began to worry. After we got out of the car park we were virtually straight onto the M5. With the rear door open and a baby in the back?
Suddenly we all stopped and I took action.I jumped out the car with the ignition running and raced up three cars to the red car. When there I grabbed the door and pulled it. The lady inside freaked and pulled the door closed, I think she thought I was attacking her... I pointed at the baby and said door, door. She stopped and got out. I quickly apologised for scaring her, I said I was a nurse and I was scared she'd pull out onto the Motorway with the door open. Then raced back to my car.
I could hear the car behind beeping and beeping me.
The cars had moved a car and a half in front of my car. FFS impatient bastard. I got back in and pulled forward. There was no need for his impatience. Ridiculous man.
We all pulled out of the car park and the red car in front was in front. She headed onto the motorway towards Gloucester. I felt relieved I'd stopped her.
We looked after a child once who fell out of the rear seat of a car under the wheels of a bus. She died.
Back home and tired.
But I'm ok, sorry.

I hate me

wish I was a cat
I'm miserable. I hate weekends. In fact I hate every day. I think I'm slipping a bit. I can feel it. A rising panic, intolerance with the kids. Feeling anxious at work. I even noticed one girl who is usually calm and lovely being irritable with me yesterday. I feel very alone again. But I feel I've probably used all the resources of my 'friends' Actually I haven't really got any friends. If I don't have friends then nobody can hurt me. You're probably better on your own Trin, you know that really. I can't do anything right anyways.
I want to go to bed and lie and be miserable, where no one can see me and the demons can't find me. Did you know it's safe in bed?
But I have to go get Danz photo taken for her passport, and I run out of pills again. I do it every month. I'll have to buy some again. I expect an interrogation from the pharmacist. I hope I can hold it together and not flip like I did at the Car Phone Warehouse. People don't like being called evil as a general rule.
I'm a bit scared.
They're coming for me again. I don't want to keep doing this.
When's it ever going to end. When I'm dead?

Fresh as bread

Sharon undergoes fresh brain scan:

"Sharon undergoes fresh brain scan "
So were his other scans stale then? How can a scan be fresh. A new scan, a repeat scan. Stupid news people trying to spice up a headline.
Personally if I ever have a massive head bleed which would leave me as a vegetable, unable to walk, talk or eat chocolate again. Don't bother with any heroics.
Poor man.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Very Sad and Very Stupid

I am a big idiot. I don't deserve gifts. I took the phone back to the car phone warehouse.
The microphone has stopped working. I can hear you but you can't hear me.
I waited twenty minutes to be served.
I got a woman. Young, full of herself and mouthy.
She asked me if I needed to keep anything on the phone before she replaced it. She said she could make the new phone exactly like this one, transfer all the records, phone book etc... That was the mistake. I opened my mouth and out came 'Yes but it's unlocked to all phones, you can't sort that?'
Her face immediately changed and she put my phone down.
'I wish you hadn't told me that', she said. 'You've completely invalidated the guarantee. Nothing else we can do good bye'
I tried to argue, that it had nothing to do with a faulty microphone but she was vile and made me cry. I left the horrid carphone warehouse place in floods of tears.
I'm ashamed and pathetic. I let down the kind person who brought me it and I hope they aren't mad with me.
I don't do confrontation well, it upset me all afternoon.
I only had it three weeks :(

ps feel a bit cross, it's MY phone. It's not contract, its Pay as you go.Someone paid for it for ME , surely I can do what I want with it? use what sim I want? the fact the hardware broke in 2 1/2 weeks has nothing to do with unlocking it... even though the horrid bitch told me that the phone unlocker prob broke the microphone. Right.

Let's bite Abby

teething kittens
Awww I miss this new stage.. Bailey still bites though

spot the faux fur cat

her throw I bought hmh!

Midnight New Years Eve

abby and Danz 31/12/05
The girls with my new saucepans bang out the old year... they actually were reluctant to play ball and had to be shouted at to join in... gits.
spooky empty house
A firework explodes over the spooky house opposite

feck it

I'm upstairs 'getting ready for work' semi dressed ... You know the thing. When there's an insistent knock on the door.
I hate that, so I race to get dressed, shout down stairs... 'hang on' get to the bottom all panting and breathless and open the door.
It was this chubby blonde woman with a dopey face. Bright yellow plastic tabard from 'Save the Dogs' She wanted me to sponsor the charity for a fiver a month to save Britain's starving and helpless canines.
Well fuck me you silly bitch.
This is a council estate. Most people here can't afford to feed their kids let alone set up a DD to feed animals.
My neighbour sits in darkness, most nights hiding from Loan Sharks.
Are they thick or what?
The only reason ppl have bank accounts is because the benefits won't pay weekly anymore on books. This is a council estate. People live hand to mouth.
Dogs? Shoot the bloody lot I say. (now if it were cats...................)


I'm getting nervous about Abby going to St Lucia. I'm worried that she's so far away from me, that I won't be there if she gets scared or worried. And what if she sees a spider? She'll freak.
My mother has booked for Danielle to go to Dublin with her the same week (half term) so I'm having to get her a passport as well... Imagine the horror of her father? He's fuming that he's got to send off his passport again and rang Abby to say that he was going to work abroad for a while so needed it himself.
Now considering he told us he worked delivering bread for a bread firm in Avonmouth I really can't see it? (wonder if he 'delivered' that loaf?)
I think he MAY be going on holiday abroad again, like he does every year and doesn't want to tell the kids because he never takes them.
Anyways I applied online for the forms and apparently they arrived pre-done and I just need to sign them and get the pictures and declaration signed. Handy being a nurse, all my work friends can sign the photo for me!
The CSA is delivering it's verdict today on child support... only taken them since August. I since found out it was because he didn't supply all they asked for.
I was telling someone that I only wanted to be fair and if the money is too high I wouldn't ask for it.
I only ever wanted a hundred quid each child anyways.£25 each a week to pay for food and rent and shoes and clothes and all the other little tucked away things that come with having children... bloody hell... sanitary towels, toiletries, bus fares to college (hmph damn school) the list is endless.
But my friend said I should take what they say... just hope it's not less. Mind if he really is a little bread van boy, maybe he really doesn't earn more than £150 a week, which is what he told us.
It's Danielle's birthday on Saturday next. She's asked him for a £9.99 video. See? they aren't greedy kids (on the whole)
I have a 'party' thing to pay for.She wants to take 6 friends to the cinema to see that Just like Heaven film My baby, nearly 12. *sigh*

Need to spend the day in Swindon Hospital? make sure you take your life savings.

Wiltshire Hospital parking charges defended: "
Visitors to the Great Western Hospital pay £35-a-day to park
Parking charges of pound;35 per day at a hospital in Swindon have been defended as a deterrent to commuter parking. "

Unbelievable. How can you charge 35 quid a day to people who have the misfortune to be in Hospital or have a relative in hospital?
The NHS is a joke. Have you tried to get decent NHS dental treatment lately? Near on impossible.
But this car parking milarky? Swindon hospital should be ashamed. But they're probably just rubbing their hands in financial glee. Bastards.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Quick Post.

I'm tired. I think it's post Christmas blues. Work's been frantic and I'm a bit anaemic.
I had my scan this week and I have bloody Fibroids. Ah well, that's bound to make me feel sexy and attractive (not)
I was threatened at work by a very odd guy trying to gain access to the wards, we were warned he was trying to get into the wards by casualty as he'd gone there first, then some very silly little student nurse let him in. He turned up on my ward, I was alone with two mums and 2 babies and I escorted him out. Then he stood by the door slightly hidden so when I left at 20.30 he was there ready to have a go at me for chucking him out. Luckily someone called security. You get some weirdos hang about hospitals!
My Motorola Hot pink Razr V3 has broked. The microphone seems to have stopped working... I only had it three weeks!
I called the car phone warehouse and they said they'd repair it but I'd have to pay 50 quid to get another phone to use whilst it's sent for repair. I'm going to try get a new one though... It's pretty poor it's go wrong in three weeks. The least they can do is replace.
We went to see King Kong tonight.
Good film, rather arty though. Lots of panning in on Naomi Watts doing her Monkey adoration bit. I enjoyed it though. Abby refused to come with us. She said she'd get upset at the end when they killed the monkey... And it was very sad. Bastard Humans.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


The girls went back to school today. We got up at 07.30 am and I was busy making sandwiches and the such like, then we had a phone call from Danz's mate to remind her they didn't have to be in until 10am... WTF? they bloody finish school at 14.30... hardly worth going in.
Then tonight the girls told me that they arrived at 10. They weren't allowed in the building until 10.30.. they had to stand outside in the cold. Then they had to wait in the dinner hall until 12.00 for assembly, then they had dinner.. two lesson and home.
Educational lesson?
It's not worth the bothering of turning up on the first day back.
My feelings? A days education wasted and two bored and pee'd off girls.

Monday, January 02, 2006

TV Addict.

We were discussing a friend today who isn't happy with her daughter going out with a certain boy.
She doesn't know what to do about it.
Danz helpfully pipes up.
"She could always pay him to dump her"
I think she may be watching too many soaps.

cussing Collette

Bless her!
My car boot is leaking... Well either that or something very wet was in there. I had a bag of cat litter sat in there, last week Danz got it out to give my sister for the Kittens and noticed the bag was sodden. She picked it up and the bag disintegrated. Cat litter covered the boot.
So we made a trip to the garage and the car vacuum.
The boot was full of old coats and a blanket. I grabbed them all and chucked them in the bin. A guy pulled up next to me to use the Air machine. As I pulled out the blanket something pink fell on the floor in front of him.
There was a split seconds hesitation then I swooped down gathered it up and threw it in the bin... I muttered 'It's Collettes It's Collettes'.
I was sooo embarrassed.
It was the dead Pink Bunnie, she'd left in my boot after the Cardiff trip. Killed in Wales. Laid to rest in Somerfield Garage's Forecourt Bin.


Sent me an email recently? Haven't I replied? Maybe it's because I haven't received it.
Damn Telewest. Their Internet service... Blueyonder has been having email problems for several months now. Seems that at times when most people access email... Like early evening. The server can't cope with the volume and goes into shock.
It will reject your password, or constantly time out or numerous other errors that I've had.
I haven't been able to access email at all today.
So I called to complain... Well mostly because according to the Service Status page there is no problem with email... It's all 'green' up and running. Load of crap.
This makes me wild. So they are pretending to their customers that there isn't a problem... tut tut.
So I called to voice my grievance. A nice little man answered, sounded young. Totally hopeless. Talked me through checking my OE settings were correct. (fecking cheek) Then we had a conversation about the fact this problem has been going on for months. He said it wasn't acceptable and 'apparently' Telewest is going to pay some top Microsoft guy to come sort out the gremlins.
I suggested they did it quickly or I was moving to Sky or similar. I need my email... So guess what the twat advised me to do?
Guess what? To open a fecking Hotmail account to get emails.
You can't access your default email from your ISP with 3 mb of BB that you pay a fortune for, so go get a free web based account, there's a good customer.

Dart the sheep

Image Hosted by ImageShack.usBBC - Science & Nature - Human Body and Mind - Sheep Dash!

Check your reactions... interesting if you've had a glass or two! Some very naughty person on a forum called it a Welsh Dating game..... Tsk

Sunday, January 01, 2006

I prefer Rugby

Hmmmm??? Posted by Picasa


The holidays are nearly over. That stupid coke advert that sings "The Holidays are coming" should show the truck going back singing "The Holidays are over" Just for me.
It's so clean and big here without the decorations and the tree. Bailey's been most upset though, no cards to pull down or tree to destroy.
I've felt like shit all day. Ok so my back was sore but I also have been lethargic and tired.
It's an over indulgence of Christmas. Ah, but not of eating or drinking. We still have all the chocolates and food in the fridge and I hate drinking alone. Just indulgence of sitting at home, TV and no work and the feeling that I'm meant to be jolly and I'm not... well I'm not scrooge but not Mary Bloody Poppins either.
But now at 11.30 I'm starting to wake up a bit... Why does Christmas upset my time clock?
We had a good evening... We had our one and only Christmas visitor. Shaly came over to see us. We had Chinese food round the table and watched Edward Scissorhands and chatted. It was cool. Thanx Shay.
Going shopping tomorrow to get Abby some Summer clothes. 4 weeks to St Lucia. Her passport has arrived... I think I may start getting nervous soon. I haven't really thought about her going so far away before now. Imagine the peace here!
Normality resumes Tuesday... move along nothing to see here... Well not yet anyways..

kitty gifts

The fireworks here last night were brilliant, loads of them.. All intense at midnight. Far better than Nov 5th. Then we watched the ones at the millennium Wheel in London on TV. They were jaw droppingly beautiful. The BBC commentator was gushing in her praise of them. I did smile at her enthusiasm.
So it was 2006. Wonder what it would bring us?
The cats knew. They decided to greet 2006 with gifts for us.
We went to bed at 1am and I was tucked up asleep when I was suddenly awoken by a screaming noise. I dived out of bed and onto the landing to find Kizzy stood there with the most enormous black bird in her jaws. It was still alive and screaming. She headed towards Abby's room(Abby's her fav person) to present her gift to her mistress.
Abby woke up and started screaming.
I HATE birds. I hate them in houses flying around. This one was terrified still alive and screeching.
I was horrified and scared stiff but managed to get the little sod to drop it and threw a towel over it. The cats then were fighting amongst themselves trying to pull off the towel. I was yelling at them, then had to run downstairs and unlock the door, went back up and picked up the bird in the towel parcel. It started screaming again and I was freaked.
Finally I picked it up and raced down stairs and outside. Opened the bin and threw it in.
I couldn't leave it outside because they would have just found it and brought it back in.. I know those little buggers.
The bird was a gonner, at least it got to die in peace without being tortured by monsters.
Coming back in I noted the mounds of black feathers everywhere, I mean loads. So we got out the vacuum at 3am and sucked them all up.
I got in bed at 3.15.
I knew instantly I was in trouble. I'd hurt my back. I think it was jumping out so quick and being so tense.
So I got back up, took 4 pills and had some hot tea. But the pain was horrendous, so I found a heat patch and got Abby to put it on.... Then managed to sleep.
Still a bit sore this morning.
However, we have taken down the tree and most of the decorations and given the place a good clean.
Looks better.
I guess if you own cats you have to expect such behaviour.... if they do it again that cat flap's being locked at night. Grr.