Friday, March 31, 2006
A friend just called me. There's been ructions and accusations and tears.
The girl who was rude to me yesterday has apparently upset other people. Now I don't think for one second she set out to upset people but it's her attitude. She's hard as nails. But she's decent and a good person.
Other people she's upset just shrugged it off and ignored it. It's just her way... They rationalised.
However,stupid over sensitive "I don't cope" Trin cried about it.
And those who know me and empathise were cross. The others start saying... well actually she's not nice to me, she did this , she said that.
The flood gates opened.
Thing is...there's this gremlin in my head that says... Maybe it is all my fault and I shouldn't be working there.
Can I tell you something? I'm actually scared to go into work today.
Should have kept my mouth shut and ignored it.
He gave me a weeks supply rather than 3 days like the dentist does.
I told him about the anti-depressants and that I was worried about telling the psychiatist in case he was cross with me. He said that no one could be expected to take a tablet that make them vomit all the time. Try see how I do without them :)
I asked him to see how far along in the counselling waiting list I was.
"Weren't you told? The counsellor left, we don't provide that service anymore"
I nearly cried but didn't.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
"I wish you'd stop ignoring me, because you're sending me to despair"
Arctic Monkeys (2006)
I feel a bit anxious tonight Something's not quite right in my mind. I had a bad day at work. I've been rationalising that I take things far too personally and feel as if I've failed if things go pear shaped.
To start with I sent a patient for a hearing test. I gave her directions to the department... I have to admit it's a long way away. But they have to go. I had just finished talking and she asked to use to Bathroom. I sent her off down the corridor whilst I put her notes in a transit bag. After a while and she hadn't come back, I went to look for her. Someone had let her out..She'd gone right across the other side of the hospital without her notes. They won't do hearing tests without notes.
I felt awful and apologised profusely but I was annoyed at the nurse who'd let them out without asking me.
Meanwhile I had to work with someone new. Now, she's not REALLY new. I've worked with her before but she's new to my ward.
I think she'd decided she didn't like me long ago. I think she'd built up in her head that we wouldn't get on. The minute I arrived I could cut the atmosphere with a knife. It was like she was waiting for me, the minute she would stand her ground and show me who was boss. She wasn't going to let me take charge. She was going to show me.
Guess what happened? She said something sharp and I burst into tears.
Great. And I'm this awful person she was dreading working with? Actually I wanted to go home and would have if our really lovely ward receptionist had stopped me and shook some sense into me.
But you know me. I'll fret and angst over it for the next 15 years then move onto the next thing. You wait and see.
Does this happen in everyone else's lives? Is it just me? Do you all have people you can and can't work with? I just want everything to be pink and fluffy. Everyone to love each other and be nice and pull together for the ultimate aim. The patient.
Idealistic? There's one for the Johari window guys.
Meanwhile...Down at the farm. Last day of school tomorrow. It's the last end of term for Abby. Next term will be quite different with exams and stuff. I like school holidays. I like them being home with me... but I don't like the sodding washing! They wear like 10 outfits a day. Grr
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
The girls cooked at school. Danz brought home plaited bread she'd made. I like making bread.... It was very yummy. And grand baker Abby made Easter Biscuits with (Gordon Ramseys female equivalent) Dorothy at NVQ catering.
I don't think I need bother to cook anymore!
(can we live on Bread and Biscuits one wonders?)
Cos I'm cooler than the red dress
I'd rather catch a guy on my own
Cos what you see the man gets
And if he don't I'm better off here alone
I would like to start by pointing out to any worried Holby City viewers out there that last night was NOT normal practise NHS care.
Dumb and Dumber the two gormless medical students, were looking after a woman who needed heart surgery, but forgot to tell the surgeon that she'd had a hole on her heart as a child... Which nearly killed her.
Cor drama or what?
I was thinking about this... I wonder if it might put patients off letting med students examine them?
Truth is, Med Students are the lowest of the low. Bless 'em. They work hard, play hard and try hard but in reality they get no responsibility like Dumb and Dumber did.
We get med students in work working with the nurses. One year we had a particular lot lacking in any common sense at all.
The cleaner caught one leaving a small baby on a locker top whilst he washed his hands. Then one was sat feeding a baby and the consultant went into the room doing his ward round.
No one told him the guy was a Med Student and he thought the boy was the babies father and explained everything in really simple terms to him. Damn fool just sat there and didn't say a word.
(You know you're getting old when you call Med Students Lad's or Boy's...Damn I feel my THIRTY SIX years tonight)
Anyways... We went and got Abby a prom dress tonight. I'm not allowed to divulge any details only that it's a dress.
She tried loads on. Paraded up and down to my Mother and settled on the best one.... We all loved it. She'll look stunning.
My Mum bought Danz an outfit from Pineapple for London. A puffball skirt.... crikey I was a teen when Puffballs for in for the first time. Very trendy and young and cool...So she was happy. I remember Molly Ringwald in Puffball. I wanted one but my Blue Peter, BBC1 viewing Christian parents wouldn't allow it.
They didn't let me out of the cupboard until I was 14. I lived a sheltered life.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Found on Flickr, some lush dresses taken by SW. But they are in AMERICA!
/Mutter Mutter Bloody stupid American tradition. Abby's school has an end of year 11 party. They call it a prom. They all dress up. Abby has got my mother to buy her a 'prom dress' tomorrow night we're going up town to see what they have. The St Lucian Exchange Students will be coming here on June 16th. I think they get to go to the party too.
Don't think your getting any of these pretty gowns Abby, we'll have to see what the British Heart Foundation Charity shop has in stock......
"Shock shock horror horror
Shock shock horror
I'll shout myself hoarse for your supernatural force
The female of the species is more deadly than the male"
I went to work. Drove all the way there to see one patient that took 15 minutes. I need a job in Harley Street.
I slept very badly last night.
I went to sleep at about 11.30 pm. At 12.20 am I awoke with a start. I was laid on my tummy and had been in a deep sleep. By the side of me on the pillow was a spider. It was huge with big thick legs. It was moving... tbh it looked like a taratula.
I jumped out of bed in a blind panic (blind because I had no glasses on and without them I can't see anything much)
I ran into the bathroom and stood there shaking. Then I spotted myself in the mirror. I was white.
I went back in the room and gingerly moved the pillows looking for the spider.
I pulled back the sheets, pillow cases, bed.... Looked everywhere.
Then I noticed how the mobile phone charm I have on it had thick black elastic holding it on. The phone was next to me.
I began to doubt myself. I think I'd been dreaming, woke up saw the black elastic and in my semi conscious minus glasses state made up this Tarantula.
However, I couldn't sleep after and was in such a tizz I went and woke up Danz and made her sleep with me.
Ah hour later my tummy started to hurt. I get gastric reflux (from several years of bulimia) I laid there and thought, 'I took my pills, why's this happening'.Then realised I hadn't taken the right pills. I took the ones meant for this morning. No wonder I was confused.
Bloody hell if I'm like this now, imagine me at 70.
Monday, March 27, 2006
In the afternoon we did joint injections. The rheumatology nurse had given us the wrong names for the expected patients. It wasn't a big deal but we'd got the paperwork ready for the names given and had extra work reorganising... Then she came out moaning that the gas had run out. We duly replaced the cylinder (perplexed as that doesn't happen) to discover she hadn't switched the valve on.
Hmm. Shiny Happy People all round.
We had a consultant come in to talk to some parents. In the Bear House (lovingly renamed the shit house by those in the know) the TV was on. Daytime rubbish.
I stood underneath it whilst the adverts were on. I couldn't reach it, it's so high only giraffes can flick the switch.
I became aware of a certain advert showing. Vagisil. Oh deep joy.
"Any itching is annoying but feminine itching is the worst"
It went onto describe the "intimate female area".
There was a moments silence.
(Thankfully it didn't affect me in the same way that happens when someone mentions headlice)
We need cable TV so bad. CBBC doesn't have adverts.
"Bout that crib with the goodyear swing
On the oak tree, I hope we feel like this forever
Forever, forever, ever, forever, ever?"
My mate... he said to me, 'I thought you weren't joining these online dating places anymore'.
Ok yeah I know I said that. But the Witch pamphlet was so mesmorising. The thought of dancing naked round the ancient ruins of Stonehenge maybe?
Besides, the people I met at Witchfest were so nice and friendly and cool.
Yeah, ok I said I wouldn't ever do it again but not forever, ever?...
Hi all you happy Christians out there. You know the bit in the Bible where you're meant to go out and spread the word?
Yeah.. THAT bit. Well this Jack Chick website has 'Tracts' on it that you can use to take places to spread the word of the lord. (albeit shyly)
"I put them everywhere because I'm too shy to talk to people. I am not very good with my words but I love everyone and don't want anyone to go to hell for eternity"
So does that mean some people don't have to go to hell for all eternity? Maybe you could nip down for a holiday of debauchery and partying?
Well it's just a thought.
If God really loved her he'd have told her to ditch the poodle perm ages ago.
What is it about Christians portrayal of 'Bad' men.They really do look bad don't they?, unshaven, cross face, checkered shirt.... crikey that's my Dad!
Sunday, March 26, 2006
The girls got me some cards and a selection of candles (I have enough candles to reinact house of wax)
Better get dressed before that child invites half of Bristol in again.
I'm not in the best of moods.
I'll try improve.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Of course mail readers kids won't need birth control as they're being conditioned by the nice free classic Children's DVD's. But for gods sake don't opt for the "We can post the whole collection to you" option as Fred and Gladys deliver it.
(who ARE fred and Glad anyways?)
The kids are back from their visit. He only had them for an hour. No major traumas except he talks to them like babies. I think he forgets they are growing up.
We just went out to the shops to get my Mother some flowers... my God Tesco was heaving and all they had left were the dregs, half dead blooms and naff gifts.
So we ended up in the local co-op and got some very nice blooms for a fiver. Cheap me? Well they go die anyways.
Abby, particularly, was a bit reluctant but she went anyways.
I think if I got some sort of counselling,I could express some anger towards that man and move on.
I do hope this goes ok though. For the girls sake.
Previous visits haven't been so successful... Like when Danz had an accident when she was 6 and he made Abby clean it up. Like when he took them to Macdonalds and then asked them to check their pockets for money and made them pay the money for their own Happy Meal. Like when his girlfriend called Danz selfish and nasty and she had to be brought home because she cried too much.
Remember when he took his gf's kids to Florida for a fortnight and then took his own two to Bridgewater in a 4 berth caravan for a weekend. Him his GF and 2 kids slept inside the van and my two slept in a 2 man tent outside.
Is it any wonder that both my and their perception of times with their Father isn't exactly great?
Oh well maybe today will be good and they'll come home happy and filled with good things to tell me?
Well what am I going to do today?
The Witchfest 2006 leaflet was posted to me today. No sure if we'll go this year. We seem to have a few things to do already in June but they advertised their brand new Witch dating service.
Their own brand of Christian Singles with a twist. Instead of comes with own leather backed Bible. Has fully functioning magic wand. I'm sure I could make MUCH better use of that ;)
I'm off to join.
In a puff of smoke and stars.
"THE PRESIDENT: I appreciate that. My main job is to make sure I make the case as plainly as I can why it's worth it. And I fully understand -- I understand people being disheartened when they turn on their TV screen and see the loss of innocent life. We're compassionate people. Nobody likes beheadings and it -- nobody -- when innocent children get car-bombed. So it's my job, sir, to make it clear about the connection between Iraq and the war on terror."
Welcome back to England Mr Kember but we don't need you 'do-gooders' who place yourselves and the people who had to rescue you in danger and cause extreme distress to your families and others. Selfish man indeed.
And George Bush's stance on these matters
Well. "Nobody likes Beheadings"
ps. Say thank you to the nice Soldiers who saved you Norman... There's a good boy. Actually I feel the issue is the main one I'm conveying here... He should NEVER have gone in the first place silly old fool.
Danielle is doing her religious education homework. The resurrection of Christ.
The last question is "Do you believe Jesus was resurrected? What is the most likely explanation of what happened to the body"
Interesting stuff. I wonder if some staunch believers would really want their kids thinking about 'most likely explanations'?
Then there's a piece that says at the last supper Jesus promised to send down a 'helper' for the disciples. A helper? Didn't know that bit.
Danz has nearly filled her exercise book with RE homework. We have to BUY a new one. Jeez now if only he'd promised free school books with that resurrection.
(psst, I just worked out the 'helper' is the Holy Spirit... now HE won't do the washing up on Sundays now will he?)
Friday, March 24, 2006
That conversation we had last week
When you gagged and bound me up to my seat
You're right, I do
I keep it all in"
Beautiful South (1989)
The ward was full of sugar today. People had made cakes, lovely cakes. Lemon, chocolate and marble cakes. Fairy cakes and chocolate krispies (shines badge)
Yesterday was a truly awful day for them all. Most unexpected and desperately sad.
Plus today was the last day of the winter. One ward closes every summer and the staff sprinkled around Bristol. The last day we're all together until September. It was also Kelly's last day. As someone said we often get nurses from Wales working with us but they all seem to drift back to Wales at some point. Personally I think that damn bridge is too expensive.
It was busy and I got tired really quickly. I reckon it was all the sugar. A big high then a huge low when the sugar goes.
I'm ok. Better without those pills making me sick.
I just got a ticket to see The Beautiful South in May. OK, they might not be rock central... But they are Brill.
Lot's of stuff to look forward to Trin... Keep on going.
An endless list of CD's thrown together to celebrate that highly lucrative day that is Mothering Sunday.
42 songs to show you care..... 40 songs to show you care, 16 songs to show you care in cassette form (you can't care as much as a double cd obv.)
With songs from Michael Boulton, Geri Halliwell, Celine Dion and Jennifer Rush.
Let's wheel out the Oldies Dust them off and present them in a steaming hot package. Get them on woolworths shelves and sell, sell.
Mum needs the best. She NEEDS Steve Brookstein - 'Against All Odds'.
I also duly note that X Factors Journey South has been glamourously packaged with a selection of Covers for the 'special' day.
'Let It be', 'It Must have been Love' and that all time fav in our house "English Rose"
Roll over and beg Fleetwood Mac.
warning warning... if any girls buy me worlds best mum album there will be trouble. Severe trouble.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
"I heard that you were talking shit
And you didn't think that I would hear it
People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up
So I'm ready to attack, gonna take you out
That's right, put your pom-poms downs, getting everybody fired up"
Gwen Stefani (2005)
God, world war three hits me back to earth. Danz arrives home in hysterics. She's being picked on in school. It's been going on for weeks and funnily enough I'd gone into school today to express my concern.
She was scared walking home from school today. I was mad. Her sister had gone on without her and, as normal, hadn't switched on her phone so Danz could call her.
I called the school AGAIN. Quite amazingly they were rather helpful and eventually the head of year 7 the frankly Gorgeous Mr Young call me. He gives me shivers. PE teacher, locker rooms, shorts, all my dreams rolled into one.
He said he has it all under control and will keep in touch with me (I apply more lip gloss and an additional spray of Pleasures Perfume) anyways back to Motherhood. This bullying rubbish should have been sorted out ages ago.
Aren't small girls nasty?
After she stopped crying we went to the gym to work through the pain (ha) Paul was there..... in the Jacuzzi? not sure he'd done any exercise. He said he'd look after Danz tomorrow.
And now I made cakes and a bread and butter pudding for work tomorrow.
One of the girls is leaving. I'll miss her. Plus they had a most dreadful day. A child died.
I feel really sad.
I know what it must have been like there. It sweeps across the whole unit.
It's the job though.
I feel so well today. I didn't sleep great but most of that was due to that bloody cat attacking my feet at regular intervals. I really should learn to close the bedroom door but hate not being able to hear anything or the girls if they want me.
I had to visit our local Post Office again this morning.
What a gross place. In the entry hall there was a used condom sat on the floor. It smells so bad in there, a mix of sweat, tobacco and urine.
The line was full of the elderly getting their pensions out. It takes so long now as they have to navigate the chip and pin system. I stood there wondering if when I'm 80 they'll have some brand new system that will confuse me. The shopping area seemed to be abundant with young men on skateboards and bikes. The fake burberry cap brigade. They can be quite intimidating at times. Someone stopped and asked me for 20 p. I told them I didn't have any money and hurried away. I was conned up there once, someone asked for change of twenty pounds and somehow they managed to con me out of a tenner. I felt so stupid afterwards, but I wasn't all there mentally. Now I rarely make eye contact with anyone.
I can't wait for them to knock the place down. It's so desperately needed. A new shopping centre. By by heck they're going to need a lot of security.
I'm watching the news. The Iraq hostage Norman Kember has been released.
His family must be overcome with relief.
I hate religion.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
"Now get this
London calling, yes, I was there, too
An' you know what they said? Well, some of it was true!
London calling at the top of the dial
And after all this, won't you give me a smile?
The Clash (1979)
I'm good today. I didn't take the evil pill. Got up, felt ok... Was a bit wobbly and clumsy all day but it was way better than yesterday.
The shelter lady came this afternoon. Imagine coming all the way from London just to see us?
Her name was Lisa. She's the events co-ordinator. Nice girl. Bailey liked her!
It's at the end of May in London at the top of the BT tower. An exclusive event with a carefully selected group of people (posh me thinks) she gave me some names but I feel it wouldn't be proper to say them here....
There will be food and drink and speakers and they want the girls and me to speak in a questions and answers time. To tell our story and how Shelter have helped us.
We were told the use of the BT tower was quite an honor as it isn't let out but the CEO will be a speaker.
They might even rotate the tower but it's really expensive to do. We'll be put up in a London Hotel and taxi's and travel paid for. We are the only Shelter family invited, a bit select or what! after we will mingle with the guests answering questions and such.
Only problem is Abby's GCSE's. If we can we'll stay overnight and do some London stuff the next day but if she has an exam we'll have to come home... Fingers crossed.
I have to send Lisa some pieces of writing about our story and things about the girls etc.
Hope we'll be ok. I want to do our very best for them as they've been so good to us. Lisa asked Abby something this afternoon and she burst into tears.... Lisa said if Abby does that on the night she'll get them TONS of money. Bless.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
"Heavy thoughts tonight
And they aren't of snow white
Dreams of war, dreams of liars
Dreams of dragon's fire
And of things that will bite"
I didn't take a pill tonight. I went to bed an hour ago but I can't sleep. Hope I don't have bad dreams again tonight.
I feel lonely. You know that's half my sodding problem. Silly cow I am.
I like talking too much. That Johari's grid should have bad stuff too. I'm impatient, pessimistic, irrational and potty. The IPIP scenario.
I also talk utter crap 99% of the time. Good job you're just a PC....For god's sake don't do a Lawnmower man trick on me and turn nuts, PC. Maybe I should feed the looney pills in through your DVDrw drive?
That Metallica song is one of my mostest favourite ever. Blots out everything except the music.
The Lady is coming up from London tomorrow to interview us for that Shelter conference in London. I better vacuum! Better buy tea bags and Chocolate chip cookies. We all know people from London are posh.
They had tea bags from Harrods in my Clinic today... except I found out later that it was just a tin..Someone had put Co-op Red Label in there. Ah well the tea tasted better having been in such a regal tin.
I had to do skin prick testing today for allergens. The oldest child was about 4 years and the youngest 11 months. The babies mother wanted me to test for Cillit Bang allergy. I'm not sure the NHS go as far as to have a test for Barry Scott adverse reactions (though I'm sure it would be pretty popular)
I told her my limit was cows milk and nuts. Best to keep the baby away from the cleaning products...
Now there's a thought. Babies who clean...
"But I'm hoping to kick but the planet it's glowing"David Bowie (1980)
I had a fairly ok day yesterday. I gauge these statement on the fact that I went to work. Made it to the end of the shift and got home ok. However I was exhausted and went almost immediately to bed, leaving the girls up to switch off the lights and lock up.
I feel asleep and woke a couple of times but did sleep fitfully and had dreams.
I dreamt that I was ill. I was on holiday with some ex-friends of mine and going different places, but I felt really unwell and had to drag myself around.
I woke up and almost immediately puked and then it wouldn't stop... Sweeps of nausea and vomiting that griped me. I took the girls to school and came home.I had to be in work at 9.30 am but couldn't go like that.
Eventually I dragged myself into the car and got in work at 10am.
Over the morning I started to feel a bit better.
But enough is enough. Today I have tummy pain, been vomiting, felt faint practically all morning, my legs ache, I feel as if I'm coming down with flu. I'm unsteady, I just fell half way down the stars and my head hurts.
It's been a week, I didn't expect to still be so incapacitated by those damn evil poisonous pills.
So I made the decision to stop. I'll go see my GP Thursday to explain it to him.... Trouble is I bet he'll try to get me to take something else.
But I really can't cope a minute longer.
I'm not a failure am I? I tried my best... Honest.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Today someone broke in it and smashed a car window, I guess trying to steal stuff.
It appears they didn't take anything though.... her Aled Jones and Michael Ball Cd's were left untouched.
Is it wrong to laugh?
Sunday, March 19, 2006
"Her name is Yoshimi - she's a black belt in karate
Working for the city - she has to discipline her body -
Cause she knows that it's demanding to defeat these
Evil machines - I know she can beat them -
They don't believe me
But you won't let those
Robots defeat me
They don't believe me
But you won't let those
Robots eat me"
Flaming Lips 2002
We just got back from the cinema. I used my free tickets to take the girls to see The Pink Panther. I'm a huge Peter Sellars fan. The man was a genius. He didn't even have to try, he WAS Inspector Clouseau. This version was a parody. I'm not going to compare... There was no comparison. But it was an evening out, I haven't done anything with the girls for so long now. And we did laugh a little, so it was ok. Glad the tickets were free though.
However with the cinema came a huge sugar intake. I've been craving sweets constantly. I knew I would. Anti-Depressant time again baby! You know it's real when you wake up thinking "I need Jam Sandwiches"
I ate 1/2 bag of peanut M&M's instead of any dinner. Now this behaviour is clashing with my need to build up stamina. So I have two extreme clashes happening in my head.
Puking is easy... easy quick and basically a rush to the head.
I went through a great 5 months of controlling everything that went into my mouth (no jokes here folks) and then vomiting. Yes, look at me now! I once lost 4 stone in 4 months. Then they got me on some pills that knocked me senseless and I stopped and ballooned.
The trap of the psychiatric medication. Most of them make you fat, full stop.
So I got home and battled with the urge to purge myself... Went up and down the stairs a few times, then did it.
I feel better for it. Why is something that makes me feel good so bad? I didn't need those vile candy sweets anyways.
I'm still not sure these pills are the best thing for me. Lots of rather odd behaviour that I'd managed to tuck away has crawled out of the woodwork again.
Well, at least the black thoughts have gone. Actually there aren't many thoughts at all really.
Abby is fretting about her mock exams and her father. Now who gives kids mock exams a few weeks before their real ones? What's the point? Double anxiety. A bit like my sister, she had a practice driving test a week before her real one. After it finished the driving instructor said "Guess it's too late the cancel next weeks test?" She failed of course.
Every other school did mocks back in November but oh no, not HECC.
Then she's fretting about seeing her Dad. I dunno why. Just a combination of stuff I guess.
Ok enough writing therapy. Stupid really.
"Well I don't feel better
When I'm fucking around
And I don't write better
When I'm stuck in the ground
So don't teach me a lesson
Cause I've already learned
Yeah the sun will be shining
And my children will burn
Oh the heart beats in its cage
I don't want what you want
I don't feel what you feel
See I'm stuck in a city
But I belong in a field
Yeah we got left, left, left, left, left, left, left, left
Now it's three in the morning and
You're eating alone
Oh the heart beats in its cage"
The Strokes 2006
You want a really good tune to see you through Sunday? Try the new one from le magnificent album First impressions of Earth By The Strokes.
'Heart In A cage' is their second single from the Album... Let's hope it has a worthy time scaling the UK charts warding off such evil as Leo Sayer and Shayne Ward.
A track full of jolting guitar riffs and Casablancas unmistakable rough yet compelling vocal talents.
I love this group. I saw them at Reading (yes I know I've said that before) They're magnetic and cool. They dress with edge and style and they have this air of REAL rock stars.
The video see's Julian spending most of his time laid flat on the pavements of NYC. I had a feel of Radiohead creep up on me. Whilst the other's are on high ledges affording rather splendid views of NYC's skyline and unmistakable buildings. It said 'everything is rushing past me... It won't stop'.
Some nice looking shoes walked past Julians' head ... See I notice these things.
I like angry music... But it isn't angry. Rather insistent. You can't ignore it. The Strokes music is evolving past the ditty stage into something more substantial and tangible. It's one of those tunes I liked from the very first bar the very first time I heard it... I hate that cliche... It Rocks. But put simply It does.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
But I'm scared.
No silly...... I'm not scared of dear old Derek but of the seating plan. The only seats left are way UP in the Gods. I've been up there before and it's really high.
Would be a laugh to go see him though....
Crikey, a whole blog dedicated to Chuck Norris... I think. It's in Italian and consists of one or two liner posts with the word Chuck Norris written several times. They could be saying Chuck is a dick for all I know... but what astounded me was this dull little blog attracts SO many comments. One post has 178 comments... what can they have said that was so facinating?
"Quando cadono dal balcone i gatti atterrano sempre in piedi. Il gatto di Chuck Norris atterra facendo una capriola e ballando la mazurka, solo per divertire il suo padrone"
"When they fall from the balcony the cats always land in feet. The cat of Chuck Norris lands making one capriola and dancing the mazurka, in order to only amuse its landladies"
And one of the comments?
"Quando Chuck Norris è ubriaco e ha la nausea, beve un'altra bottiglia di whiskey per far capire allo stomaco chi è che comanda".
"When Chuck Norris is drunk and has nausea, she drinks an other bottle of whiskey in order making to understand to the stomach who is that she commands.
(Now it becomes perfectly clear... pass me my pills ;)
Quando..... god I'm educational today.
But that twat from X Factor Shayne Ward was on with his new tune.
I cannot begin to describe just how awful it is. Like some very bad stomach cramp inducing Westlife song. With lots of close ups of his wistful eye expressions and ruby red lips c/o Max Factor.
After 30 seconds of the song my head hurt... It was so high pitched.
Come back Daniel Bedingfield, I apologise for all those evil thoughts towards you.
It was truly a nausea inducing moment.
Then we get to see the 'star' interviewed by the audience.
You reckon they test the audience's IQ before they're allowed in?
Anyone over 45 and liable to start actual thought process is banned?
The first question... A gooey eyed teenager... About 16...
"If you were a pigeon... Who would you poo on?"
/rolls eyes and switches over.
(my only hope is he gets the first case of bird flu UK stylee)
I look like crap though...Oh well, no-one to look at me anyhow :)
One of my neighbours came in to see me.
I like her, she's lovely... But she makes me sad. She's caught in this endless circle of poverty and debt that she can't break free of.
At Christmas I had a water bill of 268 quid. I was shocked but stupid idiot I am, I'd forgotten to pay it in instalments. So in January I scrabbled the cash together and paid it off. Then been paying something monthly. Consequently the new bill for next year is in and I'm in credit... kinda nice to be in credit with something... However small.
But she hasn't paid the bill for about 4 years... She owes a grand. She also knows someone who owes 1500. You see when you haven't enough money to put food on the table, then paying for water seems ridiculous. She said It's free water... Why do we need to pay?
Seems the water boards threat to cut off my supply in January for a mere 268 quid was an idle one.
I can see her point, but I wasn't about to point out the need to purify water and deal with sewerage etc. I hate the poverty trap around here. If you live on Social, you simply can't have all the stuff everyone else has... People who work and earn good wages have problems coping with money.
If I win loads of money I'll give her some and help her out of the hole she's dug... Chances of that though.
Wish I could help. It would make me so happy to be able to do something for them. Validate me. As a person. Trouble is, sometimes I can't help myself.
"Cause I'm Young And I'm Hopeless,
I'm lost and know this,
I'm going nowhere fast, that's what they say.
I'm troublesome, I'm fallen,
I'm angry at my father,
It's me against this world, and I don't care.
I don't care".
Good Charlotte 2002
Collette phoned last night. It seems that my ex husband and father to my children is feeling rather down at his lack of contact with the children.
He says that if regular contact isn't established then he won't bother anymore and will forget them as he is heart broken at their indifference towards him.
I find this awful hard to equate. He left us in a very difficult situation and frankly has done nothing towards breaching the rift and healing anything.
Abby in particular is still very angry towards him and that takes up most of her counselling sessions. His behaviour has not commanded any form of respect or affection from her at all.
This 'book' he keeps on us, this place where he writes every word of communication he has with any of us distresses her. Although the damn thing means nothing... She still feels it could be used as a weapon against us.
5 years down the line from divorce, why is this still an issue?
Much talking and apologising and explaining should have been done with the kids. But not a word has been said. I could tell you a few tales.. But what would be the point? I'm not angry anymore. I don't care actually. I have more pressing issues to deal with, so when this problem raises it's ugly head again I feel this overwhelming sadness and load on my shoulders.
So I sat down with the kids, made them turn off MSN messenger (major trauma) and asked them if they'd try to get some contact with their father and in Abby's case be civil.
So they rang him and said they'd see him next Saturday at 2pm.
Abby came off the phone. "OK?" I asked.
"Not really" she looked resigned "He said I'd better have a better attitude towards him because if I continue to be disrespectful he'll walk"
"Yeah, walk he said... He won't ever see us again... Forget us, my choice"
Now someone remind me just WHO out of the two of them is the 15 year old?
Isn't she just looking at this mess and thinking "Where the heck am I going to put my make-up bag?"
Nice pink mirror too... are they standard issue in all RAF barracks?
Maybe Dylan would wish to comment?
"I'm a Barbie girl in the Royal Airforce
Life in Combats, it's fantastic"
Friday, March 17, 2006
give religion a hug:
"Give your child a lifetime of love. Thirteen inches of soft vinyl that a child can hold, love & take to bed, to give them comfort, knowing that Jesus loves them. A doll they can relate to on their level, a very Special doll!
A 'Star' painted in the pupil of the eyes & a non-toxic 'Halo' that GLOWS IN THE DARK.
The 'BABY JESUS' DOLL, helps a child to remember that Jesus is not just for Christmas but for everyday of our life.
A 'Manger' is also available that has a white Shirpa (imitation lambs wool) liner that gives a cloud like effect for the 'BABY JESUS' bed."
Also available in black, red, yellow and green (for the irish)
But looks best in white with baby blue eyes and remember that special star that twinkles JUST for you!
And you just got to have the manger.... imitation lambs wool is so 'in' this year.
Unfortunately he costs more in Colorado... they seem to need 'saving' more out in them rolling hills. Religion costs more there.
I can't get my head around the fact that people actually BUY this crap... Jeez... I mean baby Jeez.
So today, I decided to cook something. I made the kids some Bread and Butter pudding... But I used Pat's recipe from work. Instead of using any sugar you put a small layer of golden syrup in the base of the greased dish. Then add your layers of bread and butter and Sultana's. Then pour over a pint of warm milk with three small eggs beaten in.
Allow to soak in for about 1/2 to 3/4 hour (very important part)
then cook slowly... Gas mark 4 or 5 for an hour.
When cooled slightly free the edges around the dish with a knife and turn out.
The golden glistening delicious base looks so tempting.
I served it warm with a little fresh double cream.
And as you can see even Bailey liked it.
(Though I fear it may have been just the cream?)
"Federal regulators, working with patients, academics and pharmaceutical companies, are listing dozens of potential research projects they believe would help shorten the time it takes for new drugs to reach patients."
Woah.... I think not. They want to SHORTEN the time it takes to research and test new drugs...
Has nobody been listening to THIS story....BBC Drug trial four 'are conscious'
"Four men left seriously ill after taking part in a drug trial have regained consciousness, say doctors"
Ok drug trials are important and necessary for us to move on and find new cures for people. But cutting corners can't ever be an option.
Mind there's probably some people in this world you could test any kind of drug on. How about George W Bush for one?
Good idea? Yeah!
"On his way from Ireland to America to escape the potato famine, young Fergus carves a shillelagh from his favorite blackthorn tree, and each St. Patrick's Day for generations, his story is retold by one of his descendants"
Gosh a bargain at $11
Happy St Patrick's Day everyone,
especially to Asmo.
(Bet he has this book already BTW)
"When I flick da switch make ya hips wanna dip now5ive (1998)
I can get you off cos I'm ready and equipped now
Swing for me baby, give me all that you got never
Wanna stop cos you make me feel hot I know what you
Wanna do and dat I feel the same way too give ya what
Ya want through the days and the nights yeah its about
Time that we turned out the lights"
I laughed at the Holy Moly newsletter today with the official Scott Robinson Website link. Gawd his mum must have loved Neighbours.
Click the link and wait a moment... Scott winks at you. Creepy or what?
What is it with all these bands wanting to make come backs? Jeez Take That tickets were 65 quid... Not that I wanted one. I think we could live without 5ive returning though.
When Abby was just 8 she was a huge 5ive fan... Yes you were Abby. You can't deny this one.
We caught a coach up to Cardiff to see them at the CIA. Bloody hell, what a day that was. See we also took Danielle. Her first concert. She was just 4.
We had seats on the ground bit... End row. Couldn't see a lot. You never can in these places.
The thing I hadn't accounted for though was the noise. There was a group of about ten 12 year olds sat directly behind us who could scream for Wales.
Why do they scream at these pop gigs?
The screaming started immediately they arrived. Loud piercing noises. They got hyped up to a frenzy. The show started with a selection of male pictures shown on the big screen, Brad Pitt, Westlife, Boyzone... You know the sort. They screamed for every single picture shown.
Thing was, at age 4 every time they screamed Danielle screamed in fear. She thought something was wrong. I spent the whole time reassuring her. She couldn't work out why these silly little girls were screeching.
At one point I asked them to tone it down , they were scaring my child But they were so frenzied they couldn't.
Then an advert came on for some bottled water and they screamed again. I heard one girl say... "Hey we're screaming for water..." A short pause then they screamed louder.
I could have fecking throttled every single one of them.
Blissfully they lost their voices as the show progressed.
The mentality of the teeny pop fan.
And these lyrics were aimed at them?
"I can get you off cos I'm ready and equipped now"
Yep 5ive all the equipment you needed for these kids was a bottle of Evian.
"And if I only could,Kate Bush 1986
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could.."
I went to work yesterday. Ok, I went but I didn't do my best. EVERYONE asked me if I was ok. I must look odd or something. FFS I don't want to be odd. I just want to be me. Maybe I am odd?
I said I'd be in today... I said I'd skip a pill. They said I have to comply with the psychiatrist or they couldn't mark where we were working from.
So I took the sodding pill.
Guess what? I didn't sleep at all. I laid there, I wasn't anxious, there were no bad thoughts racing... I just didn't sleep.
I got up at 4, felt sick and had a pounding head. Then I thought this is fecking ridiculous. I cannot possibly go to work now. For several reasons really but the main one that I just didn't feel secure driving the car, in a tired, woozy semi awake state.
So I phoned in sick. Trouble is, there's so many bosses in there you never get the one who knows the problem.
Rather disturbingly now (because I'm not at work), I am tired but I feel better. My head is a bit clearer and my headache gone. Maybe I could have gone in after all.
Abby had a major blow out last night of crying and sadness. She says she feels so sad I'm back on anti depressants. That she was so proud of me for getting off the last lot and she feels responsible for me not doing so well again.
Yesterday we were one minute late getting to school. Surprising we made at all really. But they'd made her stand behind locked gates, then handed her an hours detention.
She'd panicked because she knew if she didn't come home I'd worry and everything got on top of her and she was upset at school.
Luckily a teacher took her side and quashed her detention.
Bloody school though, it's a big school. I guess it's easier to round everyone up in a big ball and have a blanket policy.
Ok... But more positively.
I won't take anymore sick days for this.
I feel better this morning... On the whole. Every day will get better now.
I feel very supported actually. My mates have been brilliant. Work was supportive... Guess they know I'm not doing this on purpose.
My girls are wonderful, and love me whatever.
I'm not anxious, I'm not thinking black thoughts.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
"A man is happily eating a packet of Mattessons Chicken Bites at a bus stop, and is unaware of the carnivorous tenancies of those around him, as when he isn't paying attention to them their sharp teeth come out and they slowly move up on him"
Crikey...One advert that doesn't use sex to sell it's product but it's Bloody scary.
All those teeth and faces.... Actually if they took a bite of the meat they run away in horror because they taste vile.
Makes the vegetarian option look positively temptacious.
(ps him on the left needs a few cavities done... hope he's not NHS in Bristol, he'll get no-where)
never me go
I don't pull me down
I don't pull me down on me
I don't pull me down
I don't pull me down on you"
Ok well the positive stuff. I'm not as dopey as yesterday and I'm functioning without being faint. But I got out of bed and puked. Lots of psychiatric medicines make me puke. No big deal. But I don't feel well. Ok guys when's the feeling of well being meant to kick in?
I had the dreaded council letter today with the sum total of what I owe them.I ripped it open in an attempt to get the pain over quickly.
It said I owed £105.36. FFS, I know that's not right. I've seen the council screens. Seems they can't get anything right. So I paid £160 online and some council tax. I'm trying
My neighbour came in to borrow washing up liquid. They really haven't much money this month. I feel sad for them. Imagine having no money for electric and gas and having no where to turn to?
Wish I could help. If I ever get lots of money I want to help everyone I know... So keep being my friends!
This week my boots developed a big hole in the side. I can't wear them anymore and the sole came off my work shoes. I loved those boots. I got them from eBay last year. I don't buy from there anymore... Too tempting to get me into debt. My online Friend Donna is coming to town next month and we're going to meet up... cool, we're gonna have FUN. I'll have to try think of some good Bristol things for us to do or see... I don't happen to think Bristol is THAT interesting... I guess all part of living here.
It's like an online pilgrammage to come meet Trin. Bit like Lourdes. One touch from me and all your ailments will be gone.
But why are they ALL girls.... send me your husbands, boyfriends, lovers. I'll 'cure' them for you and send them home.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
"When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb".
Pink Floyd (1979)
Just a quick note. I've been pretty awful today. Sleeping all the time and I feel so weak and light headed. But the only good thing has been that the first time in about 6 weeks, I've been chilled. Truly chilled. No bad thoughts or anxieties. TBH I couldn't give a feck about anything.
I am very sensitive to medication and I also get used to stuff fairly easily. About 2 weeks and I'll prob be ok.
But I'm not sure I want to be out of it. I've taken another pill. It dissolves on your tongue. Some of it has dissolved on my lip and my lip is numb. I don't WANT to be numb though.
Can I get what I want? Can I be anxiety free and feel awake and real?
Ok I'll try this until the weekend and see what happens then, but ATM I can't see me continuing to take them. This is such a selfish illness. You tend to be so wrapped up in yourself. I hate it.
I found out today that a friend has lost her little cat to illness this week. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and no cat could wish for a better mummy than you were.
Take care out there
I love that Pink Floyd song. I'm going to listen to it and think about all those people out there who care about me. Thanks for all your support. Not sure I deserve a second of it but thanks anyways.
"And I'm hungry like the wolf
Straddle the line, in discord and rhyme
I'm on the hunt I'm after you
Mouth is alive with juices like wine
And I'm hungry like the wolf"
Duran Duran (1982)
Well I took the damn pill. Actually I didn't sleep as well as I thought I would. Kept waking up. The at 07.30 when the alarm went off, I couldn't get up. My head was as fuzzy as I've ever known it and the world was spinning.
I lurched down the stairs and made some tea. Managed to make a sandwich for Abby then drove her to school (swear I wasn't fit to drive) came home and got back in bed. I slept until 1pm.
I woke up with a hangover head and ravenously hungry. Like so hungry could eat anything, even cereal and I hate cereal.
Ok, you might say, Why would one pill make me so hungry? It's brain medication it does.
Danz is still home with a chest infection. I was glad of her really.
I've made myself do stuff round the house and go out shopping... I'm now awaiting my Iceland Home delivery, Yes I'm doing a Kerry Katona.
In the fog though, it's actually much more peaceful. I haven't been anxious...But still not sure about it all.
I'm ok though. Now now anyone got anything to eat round here?
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
I wish I had someone who really knows me... You know like someone here to talk it through. But I'm really not sure about taking these new anti-depressants.
My issue is that I took so long to get off the last lot. It was such a battle, that I won eventually but it damn near destroyed me.
I'm a bit scared really, about how I'll be, how it'll affect me.
"Remeron's Typical Side Effects: Most of the anticholinergic effects common with psychiatric medications are infrequent with Remeron. Instead you get intense hunger for the wrong foods, and with that comes weight gain, dry mouth and constipation. Then you want to sleep a lot. It's like you may as well be smoking pot when you take Remeron".
I am scared. But what else can I do than take my psychiatrists advice? But then, why do I feel I'm being lead to the Lion's Den?
We had a good few weeks. A lovely wall collage that everyone had a part in. It was really good seeing the girls concentrating and sticking stuff on the wall, some of them have a bit of potential in design!
Then today we planted bulbs for Mothers Day.
Decorated the pots as well. Hope they grow! They were last years from B&Q.
Collette looked tired tonight. Poor girl doesn't stop. I have a sore throat tonight and been sneezy. Hope I haven't got bird flu.
"She's just a devil womanSir Cliff (1976)
With evil on her mind
Beware the devil woman
She's gonna get you from behind".
ok I know but the teacher was real old.......
I went to see Abby's catering teacher. Dorothy. I'd been told by Abby and Charlotte that 'Dorothy' was a witch.
Yeah right girls, we all said that about our teachers from time to time.
I fear the girls were right.
I introduced myself, and asked her if I could have a short word. We stepped outside. I explained the traumas the girls were having with the buses etc.
"Not my problem" , she muttered, "If they're late I tell them off and report them to school"
Ah yes, I tried to explain. That's the problem, the attitude that frankly no-one cares. That they don't want to be late but when circumstances are beyond their control what can they do?
The woman looked over my head and not directly at me. I studied her peroxide blonde perm and hard face, as she went into a rant about how she was forced to teach these 'kids' and that she had other schools exactly the same. The schools didn't care, they sent 'these kids' to her and she had all this work to get through with them... And etc etc....
I didn't want to say.. 'Hey woman the problem seems to be you and your attitude'. But that was what I was trying to get across in a polite way.
So I asked her to encourage attendance and say that if the bus was a bit late that they were still to come and she would support them.
Ummm. No She thinks not. She said she would continue to reprimand them and report them.
After all they were leaving school in a few months and they needed to learn responsibility.
Ok you know I understand that but at this present stressful exam, scary time when leaving school is imminent and nothing is stable in their lives, they are STILL children.
I told her that, she didn't listen.
She told me to take it up with the school, but she said you won't get anywhere.
Sadly she's right.
You know though, with a different attitude towards them, she'd get such a better response. She actually said that the first time Abby was late, when the bus wouldn't let them on, that Abby and Amy were rude to her. Their attitude was disgraceful.
I was mad, my kid is never rude to anyone (and Amy is the nicest inoffensive sweet girl you could wish to meet)
I told her I didn't believe her and asked her to think back that maybe the girls were more like frustrated at the total lack of empathy and understanding from any adults around them and what kind impression that had made on them?
Waste of words.
Yep, she's a bitch.
"I tried to call the nurse again
but she's being a little bitch
but I think I'll get out of here"
Hmm how to start?
Today was my psychiatrist appointment. I haven't seen him since January. My ideal. I felt good. I didn't want to see him in Feb. Probably a mistake.
I hate that old oppressive looking building. I was anxious. A feeling that seems to happen a lot lately. But more anxious. He was so pleased at my improvement last time. How could I tell him that I wasn't feeling so great?
I'd written him a letter on Sunday. When my head wouldn't stop racing and my anxieties seemed ridiculous.
I wasn't sure whether to give it to him. I felt better today. But I handed it over. At first he asked me to read it aloud, but I balked.
He read it, we discussed it. He said this month has been particularly hard for me. It was understandable, anyone would have been sad.
I asked if he was disappointed in me. "No" he said. "Why would I be?"
He told me that I was too hard on myself. That I couldn't be perfect. That I needed to express. Was most anxious that I got some counseling ASAP (yeah right)
Then said I was dipping a little. I needed to get on top of it and prescribed me anti-depressants.
And how do I feel about that?
Well like crying actually. A bit of a failure.
I wish I was a bit of paper. I could scrunch up in a tight ball and be thrown in the waste paper bin.
He said some other stuff that I can't write here really. But stuff that made me sad and think that he was right, but that it will never happen.
He also said some stuff about one of my present obsessions that shocked me a bit.
Can't tell you, you'd really think me mad!
I'm not... I'M NOT MAD
Jeez in a minute YSL won't even come visit me. (I'm ok really).
I got Danz home wheezy and coughing. I made Abby go to school. But I'm taking her to college later to sort out the catering business. FFS!
Ok back to normality.
Monday, March 13, 2006
"You should never fight your feelings,
When your very bones believe them,
You should never fight your feelings,
I have to follow nature's law".
One little sparkle in an obscure English end of Winter Day, was the new single from Embrace, played on the radio as I headed home.
It made the hairs go up on my neck (yep I have a very hairy werewolf quality neck)
Ethereal, beautiful yet magnificent with it's powerful mix of guitars and vocals. The piano reminded me of Thirteen Senses in many ways. (I love thirteen senses)
I think it's far more passionate and lively than the earlier stuff.
I got tickets to see them amongst the trees in Westonbirt Arboretum in June.
Hey! I got something to look forward to. Isn't life embraceable?
What is the draw to go and watch people torn apart and terrorised?
I like Horror. I like Vampire movies and Ghost tales. I was a huge Hammer House Of Horror fan. My favourite reading is Horror, Stephen King, James Herbert, Dean Koontz and my all time Fav book Dracula by Bram Stoker.
But this isn't Horror, as the genre I love. I like to be frightened but I do not like to be disgusted and shocked.
Crikey mates, there's enough shockable stuff that happens in real life. We don't need vomit inducing fiction.
But these things have been playing on my mind. I seem unable to shake stuff lately.
Like the annoying song that goes round and round your head and won't leave. I keep seeing that Hills Have Eyes poster.
Maybe I'm taking life too seriously. I work better when I'm not serious.
Then nothing really matters. How does the song go? When you smile, the whole world smiles with you?
How about when you chop someone up with an axe. The whole world goes to the cinema to watch?
How about when you're a joke? Does the whole world play tricks with your head?
Take the hills have eyes off the side of the bus and put something pretty on instead then maybe I can stop fretting about it.
"Oh Cathy, Oh Alison, Oh Phillipa, Oh Sue
You made me so much money,
I wrote this song for you
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too
I wrote this song for you
Jennifer, Alison, Phillipa, Sue, Deborah, Annabel, too
I wrote this song for you"
Beautiful South (1989)
Next door have called their baby Lannie. Trouble is, it's pronounced Laney. She's going to have to correct people all the time.
We get that in work all the time. People use some obscure spelling like Abegayle. Then they frown when you don't pronounce it right.
You can only use the rules of the English language when make assumptions of pronunciations.
We had a poor little Asian kid called Meboob in a few weeks back.
Apparently it's a common Indian name.. But imagine the jibes at school?
For some reason we'd had a run of Shaniquia and Shanias. One poor baby boy was called Romeo-Valentine, or RV for short. Ah well nothing beats Lemoni-Sparkle for me though.
I got my new council tax bill for next year. They STILL haven't given me single persons discount. I phoned them. No word of a lie it took me an hour and 7 minutes to get through.
I answered the same questions again about being single, filling out forms etc etc... They're looking into it... AGAIN.
I'd forgotten the loft insulation men were coming today. So I've had men in me roof. Oooer.
Abby's home from school AGAIN... mumble mumble.
The loft men didn't know she was in her room. She said they were talking some crap, they thought no-one could hear them. Danielle has got McFly posters on her door. They were taking the piss out of them. Then giving the low down on the exploits of their girlfriends. There was an awkward moment when Abby got a text. They both checked their phones. "It wasn't mine"... "Nor mine" they exclaimed. Abby was cringing in her room.
My neighbour just came in. She had her window put through last week. Apparently the woman who lived there before her was a 'grasser' so she's liable to be targeted.
Bloody hell. She's lived there nearly a year now. Some people haven't got 2 brain cells to rub together.
The cops asked her if she was going to move because of it... Ummm talk about helpful!