"When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb".
Pink Floyd (1979)
Just a quick note. I've been pretty awful today. Sleeping all the time and I feel so weak and light headed. But the only good thing has been that the first time in about 
6 weeks, I've been chilled. Truly chilled. No bad thoughts or anxieties. TBH I couldn't give a feck about anything.
I am very sensitive to medication and I also get used to stuff fairly easily. About 2 weeks and I'll prob be ok.
But I'm not sure I want to be out of it. I've taken another pill. It dissolves on your tongue. Some of it has dissolved on my lip and my lip is numb. I don't WANT to be numb though.
Can I get what I want? Can I be anxiety free and feel awake and real?
Ok I'll try this until the weekend and see what happens then, but ATM I can't see me continuing to take them. This is such a selfish illness. You tend to be so wrapped up in yourself. I hate it.
I found out today that a friend has lost her little cat to illness this week. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and no cat could wish for a better mummy than you were.
Take care out there
xxx
I love that Pink Floyd song. I'm going to listen to it and think about all those people out there who care about me. Thanks for all your support. Not sure I deserve a second of it but thanks anyways.
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2 comments:
Not sure you deserve a second of it?
Trust me. You do.
.... and I'm gald to know you're seeing sunshine through the rain. Yes, you're cared for. Deeply.
Take care Trin-e-babe.
*hugs*
Comfortable numb.
And that song. It says so much.
Some days I almost wish I could be comfortable numb.
The numb before I realized what happened to me over the years.
The numb you can get from pills.
But while I hate how much I'm anxious and sad at times - I don't want to go back to hiding - hiding all of it from myself.
And the pills can make me so numb, that I don't seem to feel anything. My father passed without a tear or feeling when it happend - but it was also a release.
But even when I didn't feel that, and felt almost nothing, I still felt that things were wrong and should be better for me.
And then I started getting anxious that the anti-anxiety pills were making me so, so passive.
Numb - nice in theory, and in song - but I'll have to pass.
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