2nd March 2005

I miss you Nan. I try not to think about you every day because it hurts too much. But you're always in my heart. I wish I could have told you I loved you one more time. My last memory of you is the awful one in the hospital. And the days after where everything was so bleak and sad.
Your wishes weren't fulfilled. I'm sorry. Truly sorry but in the great scheme of things. I guess your loss outweighed anything else.
A whole year has passed. A phone call. You were gone forever.
What do others write in this situation?... 'gone to a better place?'
No, the better place was here with me.
I was ashamed when I realised I'd forgotten it was today. But now I wish I hadn't remembered because the pain is as acute now as it was a year ago.
At least we can look back at you and think and remember what a bloody fantastic woman and grandmother you were.
If I'm loved half as much I will be blessed.
The girls miss you like crazy. You'd be so proud of them. Abby working hard for her exams. Danz settling into senior school. Making friends, being happy.
And me?
I'm surviving Nan. I'm trying really hard but it's a struggle sometimes. But I keep climbing that hill and maybe one day I'll be as wonderful as you were.
Maybe. Tall order though.
XXX