could be worse.

"And if I only could,
I'd make a deal with God,
And I'd get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
Say, if I only could.."

Kate Bush 1986

I went to work yesterday. Ok, I went but I didn't do my best. EVERYONE asked me if I was ok. I must look odd or something. FFS I don't want to be odd. I just want to be me. Maybe I am odd?
I said I'd be in today... I said I'd skip a pill. They said I have to comply with the psychiatrist or they couldn't mark where we were working from.
So I took the sodding pill.
Guess what? I didn't sleep at all. I laid there, I wasn't anxious, there were no bad thoughts racing... I just didn't sleep.
I got up at 4, felt sick and had a pounding head. Then I thought this is fecking ridiculous. I cannot possibly go to work now. For several reasons really but the main one that I just didn't feel secure driving the car, in a tired, woozy semi awake state.
So I phoned in sick. Trouble is, there's so many bosses in there you never get the one who knows the problem.
Oh well.
Rather disturbingly now (because I'm not at work), I am tired but I feel better. My head is a bit clearer and my headache gone. Maybe I could have gone in after all.
Abby had a major blow out last night of crying and sadness. She says she feels so sad I'm back on anti depressants. That she was so proud of me for getting off the last lot and she feels responsible for me not doing so well again.
Yesterday we were one minute late getting to school. Surprising we made at all really. But they'd made her stand behind locked gates, then handed her an hours detention.
She'd panicked because she knew if she didn't come home I'd worry and everything got on top of her and she was upset at school.
Luckily a teacher took her side and quashed her detention.
Bloody school though, it's a big school. I guess it's easier to round everyone up in a big ball and have a blanket policy.
Ok... But more positively.
I won't take anymore sick days for this.
I feel better this morning... On the whole. Every day will get better now.
I feel very supported actually. My mates have been brilliant. Work was supportive... Guess they know I'm not doing this on purpose.
My girls are wonderful, and love me whatever.
I'm not anxious, I'm not thinking black thoughts.
Getting there.