"I tried to call the nurse again
but she's being a little bitch
but I think I'll get out of here"
Pink (2001)
Hmm how to start?
Today was my psychiatrist appointment. I haven't seen him since January. My ideal. I felt good. I didn't want to see him in Feb. Probably a mistake.
I hate that old oppressive looking building. I was anxious. A feeling that seems to happen a lot lately. But more anxious. He was so pleased at my improvement last time. How could I tell him that I wasn't feeling so great?
I'd written him a letter on Sunday. When my head wouldn't stop racing and my anxieties seemed ridiculous.
I wasn't sure whether to give it to him. I felt better today. But I handed it over. At first he asked me to read it aloud, but I balked.
He read it, we discussed it. He said this month has been particularly hard for me. It was understandable, anyone would have been sad.
I asked if he was disappointed in me. "No" he said. "Why would I be?"
He told me that I was too hard on myself. That I couldn't be perfect. That I needed to express. Was most anxious that I got some counseling ASAP (yeah right)
Then said I was dipping a little. I needed to get on top of it and prescribed me anti-depressants.
Mirtazapine.
And how do I feel about that?
Well like crying actually. A bit of a failure.
I wish I was a bit of paper. I could scrunch up in a tight ball and be thrown in the waste paper bin.
He said some other stuff that I can't write here really. But stuff that made me sad and think that he was right, but that it will never happen.
He also said some stuff about one of my present obsessions that shocked me a bit.
Can't tell you, you'd really think me mad!
I'm not... I'M NOT MAD
Jeez in a minute YSL won't even come visit me. (I'm ok really).
I got Danz home wheezy and coughing. I made Abby go to school. But I'm taking her to college later to sort out the catering business. FFS!
Ok back to normality.
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