I'm having a down day. It's come as quite a downer after the last few days of being ok. I liked being ok. Now I'm anxious and want to talk,,I want someone to share stuff with.
Marie came and it was great to see her, but it made me realise how alone I am with stuff.
I'm worried about Abby. I don't like this staying in the house thing. I don't get it, why isn't she out with mates and stuff, doing drugs and getting pregnant.... No seriously. I am worried and anticipating her need to be in the house to cause major trauma when school starts.
Marie said one day I'll meet someone and feel good again... Sex etc. But I think I'm dead from the neck down. I feel so unsexual... Asexual TBH. If you know me you will know that this is not Trinity at all.
I'm anxious that my decisions are crap. That I can't seem to do things right. That life is flying past my face and my face is numb and deadpan. And yet maybe that's an improvement because at least I'm thinking about stuff now.
I'm very let down by the mental health team and actually would prefer never to see them again, after reading the DLA form my GP filled out I'm hurt by him too. It shows he has no understanding or empathy for my life.
Abby spent a couple of hours with my sister this afternoon and I had time with Danz on my own. What did I do? I slept. Now she's gone to her Nan's for the night and I feel such a let down mother.
I think the Effexor is a form of poison. I want to stop it, but feel unable to. I need some form of support. But it's not forthcoming.
I slept atrociously. The weather was awful last night and all day. Rain and high winds. At 5.30 I was up anchoring my sunflowers better.
Oh I have decided to take a beginners DIY course next month. Better phone up tomorrow. Learn to put up a shelf it said. Then in Jan there's an electronics course in the school opposite. I think I need to move on and learn to be one hell of a self sufficient unit.