Sorry

Can't sleep. Had a bad day of sorts. I went out at 3pm to get some electric. The local shops cash machine crashed as I put my card in so I had to drive to the next store, a few miles down the road.
I realised when I was driving that I was feeling anxious. Really very anxious, as if I was in a big hurry. As if I had to get home ASAP or something terrible would befall me. My coping mechanism is to switch to nurse mode and talk to myself, reassure me. Sounds silly but it works most of the time.
I was just calming as I reached the store. Parked and went in. On the way round I was once again panicky. A feeling of doom washed over me. My thoughts were irrational and I needed to get out of there. I was sweating all over. My arms were hot and wet. I got the stuff and went back to the car. I was so hot then. I realised I was trembling, actually shaking. I couldn't put the key in the ignition easily. I opened the windows and realised I was panting. Big gulps of air. I sat there for a few seconds then reversed out of the space.
Real trouble came when I hit the road. I had to turn right into a lot of traffic. Usually no problem. I'm a bold driver, take risks.
I sat at the top of the little slope indicating right and was in full panic mode. Shaking sweating, crying and saying over and over again that I wanted my daddy. Then answering myself that I was fine and lets go home and calm down.
I have no idea how I got home but I got in and shut the door and felt relieved.
And now, I feel silly and worried that it will happen again if I go out.
When's this ever going to end? Am I always going to be like this? I joined a little forum. I wrote some stuff on it tonight, chatty stuff but when I reread it it was all total raving mad. I deleted the lot. They must think I'm flaky.
I'm a bit despairing tonight. I'm too anxious to sleep. My side hurts and I feel sick.
There was a time...many years ago when I was normal. I wasn't aways like this.
It's hard not to be self pitying. I just want to be well. I just want to be able to do normal stuff and not to have to take tablets and have friends and be happy again.