D I Yawn

I set off for DIY for cretins tonight in thick deep blanket fog. It was also perishingly freezing. Wonder why they call cold weather perishing? Is it because it makes the male genitals shrivel? Have I got a very filthy mind?
Anyways, as I set off down the road I could barely see in front of me. My housing area is at the foot of the Dundreys and seems to trap any nasty fog banks.
It doesn't help that I've read and watched far too many horror tales... 'The Fog'... Watch it doesn't get you!!
I was unnerved to get there and find all the car park spaces taken by parents picking up kids from some damn football practice. I parked miles up the road and trudged down in the eerie weather.
I was surprised to find 8 of us DIY Idiots there all ready and waiting.
What was our first task? Fecking grouting... Was that tiling nightmare ever going to end? Actually I was quite good at getting my finger stuck in there and poking in the holes.
Then we talked about drilling into tiles, then shelving.
Ah, the moment I'd been waiting for. La creme de la Creme... Now I'd be able to adorn my little council castle with shelves in every room.
Right.
I have no idea what I was expecting, but he handed out some printed handouts on shelves. Showed us a few brackets. Talked about shelving in an alcove.
I then said I was worried about drilling. He said to get some wood and practice at home.
I'd wanted to drill there in wood, with him around to call the ambulance should my hand obtain holes.
The thing is, how can you learn without doing it yourself. His talking did nothing for me. I have no idea what a 2 be 1 is, what drill bit is a masonry one, what screws to us.
I felt a bit deflated, my back hurt from standing for 90 minutes and it was foggy. So I left a tad early.
So no pictures this week... BUT don't fear. I have my Ikea shelf and Friday it will be put up here and I'll snap a shot just for you.
PS if you don't ever hear from me again, I've drilled through an electric thingy and dropped dead.
Please wear black, have a memorial orgy for me and place Mister Yellow on my coffin... No flowers... They're for dead people.