if you want happy look elsewhere

Gaping Void

"my brain
is not damaged
but in need of
some repair"

Kaiser Chiefs 2005

I've been trying not to blog for fear of imploding in a mess of misery.
I'm so damn miserable. It's seeping out in every single aspect of life. The kids, work, home, relatives, everything.
I haven't been like this for months. I've had down days, I've had stuff go wrong and been upset but the persistent every day feeling of misery is beginning to overwhelm me.
It isn't stuff happening to make me unhappy. It's just my head. Tears are merely a hairs width away. If you say certain trigger words the tears fall. I've cried at work most days. I hide it most times and am cross with myself. But it won't go away.
The car had a flat tyre last night. I tried to cope but the boot seems not to have the necessary tools to change a tyre... Not that I can see anyways.
I agonised over asking for help and rang my sister's boyfriend and just cried and cried on the phone until the poor man came over and 2 minutes later it was all changed and he was gone.
I think my main problem is the feeling of isolation. Now this isolation is self induced.The inability to allow anyone in to help.
I have pushed people away. Stay away and you can't hurt me. They can't say stuff I don't want to hear, They can't hurt me by their actions and they can't hurt me by their inaction and not being psychic and understanding what I need.
I don't like reading texts or emails just in case they say something bad.
The internet, my oasis, isn't my Oasis at all. It's a thing... It won't make me happy. In fact over the years it's made me very unhappy at times.
I feel insanity is bubbling under and the only thing stopping me crossing the line is ME. Yes, me. I'm the only one that can do it.
That realisation is what will make me always ok. I will be fine in the end.
I just wish the end would hurry up.