How come that when I start to feel the slide of the misery self pitying avalanche, I try so hard to think of all the people around me, who really deserve to feel self pity. I try to think of all the things I should be grateful for and all the good things in my life... But I still end up miserable.
It started yesterday. I cried a lot, felt very alone and was oh so miserable.
But today... OMG. My sisters bf just came in to deliver Ironing. He told me he's going to my other sisters for tea.
This news set me off completely. I feel so alone today. Abby hasn't left her room all day and Danz is upstairs with a friend.
OK I guess this has been my best Christmas, I've kept it together all over the holidays despite not feeling 100%. I just wish I didn't know that I will always be alone at Christmas. Because I will. Christmas is a time you spend with your nearest and dearest. I'm never going to be anyone's dearest one. Because I'm vile and bad and disgusting.
Now, to finish the bottle of wine and go sob into my pillow... If the cat will get off of it..
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2 comments:
You were never going to suddenly leave all your problems behind Trin, I could have told you that from experience. But you are getting better and in a year or two much of it will probably be behind you. You ain't old, (only 19 of course)and there's time ahead for so much.
Not going to family sounds good to me. Christ, yesterday's thing we went to was dire.
We should organise an online club in which all the members swap their christmas with relatives days. Anecdotes would probably be quite funny to someone hearing them for the first time rather than the 47th.
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