Copey

I'm not feeling very good tonight. It suddenly hit me like a ton of Bricks and down I went like Jack and the hill.
Work has been very busy and very stressful. I coped each day, but each night I came home feeling unhappy and too stressed about everything. But FFS this is what I do. I've done it for years and there's this bit of me that says 'shut up your pathetic cow and just get on with it'
We've been desperately short of beds, spending the whole time haggling beds, and spaces, and nurses. Plus the Doctors (who are also all stressed and stretched) just seem to be working against us not with us. One of them was seeing a patient today and needed some privacy, so she locked the office door for about 20 minutes, ok I can see why, but this meant we were unable to get access to blood bottles or equipment and the work piled up. Then she bitched for hours after about people (prob me) who'd tried the door when it was locked and interrupted her very important work. Fecking megalomaniac.
Also, when I asked them to come they don't... One child waited 2 and a half hours today to be sorted out.
I finally got someone To see her, they walked in picked up her notes and I breathed a sigh of relief... YES at last they were going to be seen. Then they walked off without telling me where they were going for another 20 minutes. FFS it was the sodding doctors that told her to come at that time and that day. It's not fair.
But although everyone else is stressed too, I seem to take it harder and that makes me feel like a failure.
Today, I finally got Abby's passport done and posted, made dinner... Only pasta but they like pasta. Abby put away the washing up from last night and she asked Danz to wash the dishes.
I could hear this huffing and puffing from the kitchen and Danz was washing up with a scowl on her face.
"Are you in a piss" I asked and she shrugged her shoulders and scowled more, and I lost it. The final straw in a crap day. That those fecking kids that I work so hard for, spend so much money on won't gracefully wash a few dishes?
Well ok, I know Danz does help a lot round the house. But rationality wasn't my best attribute and I lost my rag. I pushed her out of the kitchen sent them both to their rooms and washed the dishes myself. Then cried for 1/2 hour because the world is an unfair bastard (always the dramatist)
Then, there's the other thing. I have weekends off. It's my sanctuary. I have a routine.I lie in bed most of it ;0
I get my head right and I chill.
This week one of us had to work Sunday. They asked the rest, they all said No.
So they ask me. Now I'm not meant to swap areas, as my doctors want to avoid unnecessary stress on me. But I felt an idiot saying that. I felt a failure. I wanted to help... So I said I would.
So that's this Sunday.... But THEN they asked me to work on a different ward next Friday as well.
She asked me in front of everyone else. I couldn't say no. I couldn't fail. I felt pathetic and stupid.
"No I can't work there in case I get stressed" sounds pathetic doesn't it?
I laid in the bath just now and wanted it all to end, just go away. I need a bit of peace tonight and my crutch is gone. I used to go take my anti-depressants early and go to bed. No such pills anymore. The lamotrigine doesn't buzz me like the Effexor used to.
So my sweet little blogger, I'm telling you all of this, maybe I'll feel calmer now I got it out of my system. Don't think badly of me will you?