Bristol Yesterday

The harbour behind the hospital. Pretty tranquil place on the whole

Yesterday the Sun came out in the afternoon. Across the water there's a really good pub and you can sit outside in the summer.

The lull before the storm. The gargoyles trying to tell me something. A few people have written or called to say I wasn't overreacting. I do selectively listen but I tried so hard not to yesterday because if I don't listen to my psychiatrist that's bad. But I'm ok. We went out for an hour last night. I was ok but cried again when I got home. I feel a failure to be honest. I feel that all the people who know and love me are willing me to be better and get well and take control. And this woman doctor made me feel such a bad failure. As if I should be moving on, coming off the pills and being 'normal'. But...With three psychiatry appointments? And the last one said stay on the pills? I'm confused as hell.
I think the worse bit was that she seemed to think that there wasn't really anything wrong with me. Now on one hand that's good. Ok I'm 'normal' hooray! But on the other hand. You lot KNOW that's not true. The highs and lows and the compulsive behaviour. The low self esteem. The anxieties and worries. Now if I'm am really ok...Then what are they all about. Me as a person, failing. Just Trin being useless and pathetic. Unable to cope with life. Everyone else is able to cope except me?
I've come away feeling far worse and less self confident than I have in months. Now do you see why I don't want to go back? OK now I want to try put this behind me. I won't go on about it anymore. Back to being Trin... I'll find something cool to post about. Hugs xxx