I'm upset. I'm upset that a man I divorced in 2001 has to be still part of our lives...Because of the kids, and can still make me mad.
He took Danz to the cinema today. She didn't want to go. But he got all cross and heated and My friend said, persuade her to go. So I did. (although I have to say it's the first time I've ever done that )
He took her to see Neverland. I did smile to myself because the gentle poetry and charm of the movie would be lost on his soul.
Danz said he fell asleep and snored loudly through most of it. She had to move away. Then he woke up and was chatting through it. He asked her if I had got myself a boyfriend yet (git ) Danz said no. And he told her, that basically I would never be able to find a man because in order to get a partner, you have to be fun and happy and decent and have a good personality. And I had a bad personality.
He then went on to tell her that he thought Abby was a cow.
Danz was very mortified. She told him that firstly her sister wasn't a cow but very lovely sister, Plus her mother was funny and kind and had a wonderful personality.
He told her to stop shouting, and stop being so sensitive...He was only joking. He told her that it was me that had stopped loving him and he had never stopped loving me. (right )
It's all games. Mind games....With a 10 year old? is he sick?
But I feel oppressed by him. That I'll never get rid of him. He left me when I was ill. He couldn't deal with it. He left me with a 10 yr old and a 6 yr old to cope with being homeless, debt ridden and mentally very unwell. Plus needing emergency surgery for a thyroid that had grown and attached itself to my lungs. It was a very black time indeed.
But we got through it because despite the fact that I'm not always 'normal' (as such! ) I am tough. With a strong personality and I got us all through it to where we are today. Many thought I'd never be able to go back to work. But sheer determination made me. How dare he diss me in front of my baby. Big mistake. Never slag the mother of your children off to them.
Maternal daughter loyalty bonds are very strong.
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4 comments:
he badman grr
he's a fecker. me 'n' jude'll go round his house and sort him out hah
Now matter what else, playing mind games with kids in a divorce is just so wrong. It is a form of abuse.
Yet it seems to happen at least a little in every case.
Humans like to justify and have others on their side in a conflict. So while I understand how it happens, doesn't mean I accept it. It has been years now. Saying bad things now just poisons things. It shows he can't move forward. He would rather bog himself down in anger. And with the kids being old enough to understand what he is doing is only 'shooting himself in the foot'.
But there is one thing I can say. When you let him get you upset, you are giving him more power than you should. Not that his actions with Danz is okay, and not that it shouldn't upset you. But you just need to debrief (talk to) your kids after. Make sure they know he is wrong and they shouldn't let him get to them. And that they can tell him they will not talk to him about subjects that he is jsut wrong about. And you can be unhappy - and let us all know the dumb things he is doing. But don't let him get your blood pressure up - because then you are giving him too much power over you. He doesn't deserve to have any power over you.
Now he has gone and gotten Clarrie all mad! He better look out! :)
My latest resolution about MY fucktard? That I have to back away from the emotions with him- at first it was hurt and then because that was too much to cope with, I turned it to anger.
Not productive.
Those emotions just suck you back in to his games, which is exactly what he wants. It's terribly hurtful to your sense of balance and well-being which, if he's anything like my ex-husband, is exactly what he's aiming to accomplish.
DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!!! Every time he says these sorts of things to your children, write them down. You never know when you'll need to have documented his emotional abuse- because that is exactly what it is, of course.
In regards to how you respond to your children when they repeat his hateful inanities, you can only do your best to mitigate his nastiness. No matter what you really want to say about him, keep to the high road. You'll never regret it, I promise.
I sooooo know where you're at right now. Chin up. :-)
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