tired and panicky about money. Then January there isn't enough cash left to pay the bills. So I pay double in February and don't get straight again till March.
But not this year! Oh no this year I started shopping in August. If I saw it and liked it I got it. I've got quite a haul up in my wardrobe.
Then I started buying stuff online. I have a Christmas philosophy with the kids. They all deserve at least one thing they REALLY want. When they were little if they asked Santa for it...That's what they got. Plus I always got them something as a lovely surprise. I always do them a stocking. Packed full of girlie stuff like hairbands and jewelry and CD's etc. Oh of course and festive sweeties and chocolates. Sometimes I think they like the stocking better than anything.
You know when I was married my ex hardly ever bought me a gift. But I'd have loved presents and a stocking as well. But I'd have had to do it myself...That's no fun. Or he'd buy stuff that I didn't use. Ok you say...If he did it why moan? Because after so many years of marriage it goes to show how much you really know and have studied your partner. To know what type of soap and bubble bath they like. To know what perfume they wear. To know what type of music or film they'd watch or what type of book. There's an art to a good marriage and I'm deadly serious when I say you have to WORK at it. It can be a bloody hard slog though. He bought me earrings once. Stud things with hangy bits. I feint delight. I hated them. They simply weren't what I wore. Why didn't he know that? Why didn't he know that I don't like earrings with hangy bits...Mainly because we can't wear them at work. I seriously doubt I will ever have another man that close to me, but if I did. I'd like to be cherished and studied and for him to really know me. Do you know something silly though? I still have those earrings. Because they were bought for me. I'm not an ungrateful bitch see! I did sell my wedding ring for £8 a couple of years back though. Needed food. It was worth a lot more but beggars can't be choosers.
Anyways I digress. I have all these things upstairs bought ages ago and anyone who knows me will know my memory is real bad at present. So I forgot what I'd bought, and I bought more. Then I wrap it up with no name on..And forget who its for. (I wrap it up quickly so they can't find it and spoil the surprises)But I do love Christmas. I love giving gifts. I love glitter and tinsel and fairy lights. I love the Christmas story. Watching the tiny ones doing a nativity. Singing Christmas Carols and watching White Christmas (I always cry). I love watching my girls open their gifts and the huge fuss they make watching me open the trinket they bought me.
I used to love it on Christmas Eve with their dad getting all the gifts ready. I'd do one stocking and he'd do the other. Since he left us Christmas has been hard for me. The Christmas before last was a couple of bottles of Vodka and I was blotto through most of it.
Last year was better. I was more in control. Plus I made a special friend in January and that makes last year's memory's good.
This Year? I'll be ok. More in control. Still severely lacking in self confidence but getting there.
Since the divorce I told everyone I didn't want gifts. I wasn't good enough to get gifts. Ha! Funny from the girl who loved Christmas with such a passion. So excited I couldn't sleep. I want my girls Christmasses to be like mine were. I'm trying anyways.... Trying too much I think from the haul upstairs. I think I better stop.
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