Comfortably Numb

Pink Floyd

"Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts;
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb".

This was me, a few years back. Unable to connect with the world at all.
Today is the day of Katie's funeral. I'm reminded of another funeral I went to a few years back.
Georgina. She was 18 years old and used to help Marie and me with Rainbow Guides. A bright, sensitive and lovely girl. But she suffered with her mental health so badly for such a long time and in the end she killed herself.
Her funeral service was poignant and emotional. We were all given a red rose to remember her with. But I didn't feel anything. I was numb from the drugs and the depression and I just couldn't feel any emotions at all. I remember being confused and bewildered.
There's a couple of lines in that song that really made me sit up and listen.

"You are only coming through in waves.Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'"

The odd thing would get through to me, but the rest may as well have been in Japanese

"I can't explain, you would not understand."

"This is not how I am, I have become Comfortably Numb"

My war cry. 'You wouldn't understand'. This is NOT how I am. A selfish, insular, and lonely illness.
Which I'm going to be free of. Not far to go now. The final push.
This isn't me, I'm confident, strong and clever.
It's raining here. I always think it should rain for a funeral.
The sky crying for the loss of a loved one.