Little Miss Mixed Signals?
I'm fine, until I fell down the stairs with the most enormous basket of washing? How did it get that huge?
So one minute I don't want to be associated with anything to do with sex or fun and next I'm posting toy pictures?
Try living in this head with me... There's room for a few more in here you know.
You know that the bad feelings feel so much badder lately and I think it's because they're getting fewer and farther between times and so they hit me more.
I dislike getting upset and I get worried that the bad feelings won't go away and I'll be back to square one. But of course they will go.
I'm split into three.
There's me. Vulnerable and weak and needy. But a mum and anchored here in my home and fairly settled.
There's the Nurse. Strong and in control and Ms Big Personality and the ability to COPE.
Then there's this Crazy broad who pops out now and then, who needs to do wild stuff. Who takes me along for the ride and gets me into trouble. Who has no sense of danger and makes me cry.... Makes me cry so hard.
Sometimes they seep into each other. Now when the crazy bitch seeps into the nurse... Then that's big trouble.
I have always been convinced there's many sides to me. I always said I had a different persona for different situations.
Thing is, what if I allow someone to meet the real me and then they don't like me or hurt me?
Now that's the thing.
If you strip me bare, I really am nothing.
Maybe you all feel like that?
I don't know.
My psychiatrist reckons I'm actually doing better lately.
I'm on a late. Danz is ill. She's upstairs puking. She cries a lot when she's poorly. She hates it.
I'm not so emotional today... Despite the washing basket incident.
I need the summer to come. I want to make my garden pretty again and feel the sun on my face.
This weekend there was a new girl at Cardiff. I didn't hit it off with her really. Sorry.
She said she didn't understand this seasonal depressive thing... In fact she said depressive people shouldn't take pills but shake themselves out of it.
I didn't say anything but smiled to myself.
What the fuck did she know about anything... Except?
Horror... She's a learning disabilities nurse. Surely she should know better?
Sadly No.
The Nurse in me said ignore her and the crazy bitch said to rant at her. But I decided to pity her.
Is ignorance bliss or just an excuse?
Right, on with the washing and being nice to Danz.
can someone please please love me though. Just a bit would do.
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6 comments:
Right. First off. You ARE loved. I know you know that and I know you just need reassuring but sweets... you ARE most definately loved XXX
NEXT!
Alternative personas. Yep. Got them too. I always viewed them as masks I could slip on for different events. Guess what? Yep, all me.
The mask that does social events.... me.
The mask that can do bossy... me.
The mask that listens...me.
We are diamonds. Many faceted but all part of us.
NEXT.
This daft nurse you know... Seratonin. That's all you need to say to her. Depression is a chemical illness NOT a state of mind.
*hugs*
Not like me to be so loud huh? Well, you're worth being loud for my friend. Take care, be well and know that you ARE always loved. Hope Danz feels better soon.
X
I hope it will reassure you to know that I too have different 'personas'. I think they are valuable in dealing with different situations, like exaxis says different masks for different situations. And as single mum, working single mum with all sorts of shit to deal with, you need them. Let the wild you come out when she needs to and have a ball. I get huge feelings of guilt about going out having fun, spending money on beer, and for the year between ex and Crash, behaving in a promiscuous manner (I'll skim over that cos it upsets Crash to hear about it). But what I'm saying is that it doesn't make you abnormal.
Don't be too hard on the woman who doesn't understand depression. I've never experienced it, and i think because of that I find it very hard to understand it. My immediate thought is that I was brought up to just get on with it and because of that I would never have depression. I've been put right by many friends who tell me its an illness and you can't just shake yourself out of it, but if you've never experienced it, it's hard to imagine. I just thank my lucky stars I haven't had to experience.
Where did that all come from? I do go on ...
Not sure she is a complete idiot and I do know depression first hand over many years.
All that buried traumatic experience and therapy stuff? It's crap!.
Depression is a great deal to do with attitude and very simple things. Exercise, relaxation, willing yourself to know you are going to improve even when you know you won't, little tricks you learn to do in your mind.
Ok it's not a simple "as snap out of it" but that's a damn sight closer than some of the psycho babble on the subject.
Xog. You're wrong. Depression has nothing to do with attitude. Attitude has to do with depression. Yes exercise helps. You know why? Exercise stimulates the endorphins in the brain that in turn increase the brain's production of seratonin. Snap out of it is more destructive than constructive. That very expression alone can induce a depressive episode because the sufferer begins to give a reaffirmation to all the negative and self-destructive fears that have initiated the depression in the first place. Yes the attitude is the problem but is the very essence of the problem, the belief that it all IS their own fault. Attitude is not the cure.
Therapy is not crap.
I'm undergoing therapy now and it's the first time in a long time I have a confidence in myself.
I'm lucky to still be here and angry that I nearly wasn't. Snap out of it is like handed a depressive a loaded gun and saying "Go ahead!".
One of us eh Ex? I thought you seemed so normal. My sympathy if you are suffering depression, only someone who has been there knows what it's like.
Of course "snap out of it" is rubbish, I said it wasn't that simple. What I did say was there was significant truth in the principle.
Many studies are on my side. Apart from drugs the most effective long term solutions are practical and learned methods of coping.
If by "counselling" you mean practical guidance along those lines we are not in disagreement.
If you mean a lot of wishy washy listening stuff or telling you your problems are due to being neglected as a child (I don't say that can't be true, just that there is no magic solution in memories)then I disagree. Can;t be nothered to look but seem to rtemeber another study a few years back showing how little counselling actually helped with anything.
I had problems for some years. I ony started to get back to normal when I junked the drugs and had some practical help, relaxation etc at a day centre.
Sure, talking makes people feel ok, for a while. One gets a lift because somebody seems to care and you feel you at last have help. I used to find that with the Samaritans. Sometimes, I would leave feeling great and wondering why I had gone there. It never lasted.
PS We should have a straw poll. Who among Trins' fans are loonies or ex-loonies?
I'm a wanna bee loooney.
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