hello thursday

"Take a lesson from the ones who have been there
my brain is not damaged but in need of some repair
hold on to the basics but we can't change all our tactics
don't just sit there going crazy on your own
it's the only way, of getting out of here
it's the only way, of getting out of here"

Kaiser Chiefs 2005


Is it ok to be STILL in nightwear at 12.30 on a week day?
It's kind of ok living here. A lot of people do it. You see them out on their doorsteps in pyjamas. I saw someone walking to the corner shop the other day in her dressing gown and slippers.
I can't focus yet. I will later. I promise. It's just I woke up and a trillion zillions anxieties hit me and I keeled over and lay there and let them cover me.
Then I got scared and got up and paced. It's funny to watch me pace. One end of the kitchen to the other and not getting anywhere. I wish I'd seen the psychiatrist this month instead of telling him I was fine. But TBH he's not the answer. I need some counselling.
There are a couple of people in my life who I truly feel support me. But they aren't a bottomless resource and they have lives of their own. Lives that I'm not part of and never will be.
I love these people and appreciate every word they say or write me. But it's not real. They aren't real. They're in my head. Locked in. Probably trying desperately to escape.... lol yeah I have them handcuffed naked to the wall and I'm the Dominatrix. But that's another story.
I don't feel strong enough to face stuff. Yet my head people tell me I am strong enough and CAN do it.
Words.

"this is the modern way
faking it every day
taking 'em as they come
we're not the only ones"
is that what we used to say?
that this is the modern way?"