reflection

A big part of me wishes it was last weekend and I was waiting for my lovely friends to turn up here . I guess I could get some company if I wanted but it's a certain kind of company I crave. I used to hate being alone and hate my own company but now it's different. I'm at peace with myself again. I guess I'd be scared my mind would wander off to something bad and make me feel anxious. But nothing's going to hurt me now and besides...I can cope. I'm strong and independent again.
The stalker emailed me, he's in the City today and wants to come over. Now, about that strong and independent thing? I still find it very difficult to confront someone face to face, so I'll have to go out later just incase he turns up here.
Sometimes I'd like to have a man to love and be with. To share stuff and hug on the sofa. But, as my friend says, I don't need a man to validate me. Besides I'm too selfish and too moody to live with. I'm too insular and controlling. Though maybe I'm getting better.
The one thing that nags me though is I want to do so much, I want to travel and explore and discover. I want mind-blowing sex (more) and to get out of this house more. I think if I had a partner of sorts I could achieve some of those things. Who knows? The last thing I want though is to be stuck in a dead end relationship and to have to stay because of responsibilities and ties. I've done that and I longed to be free. Why do we always want what we haven't got? Why do we always want what we can't have? The grass is greener on the other side, yet when you get over there, you discover the side you just left is covered with beautiful meadow flowers of glorious colours.
So I'll wait and watch. I'll know if it's right. I always do. I know that the friends I've picked to be my closest and most precious are worthy and true and wonderful. I know that the thing I want most, I can't have because it's simply not right.
I know I love my girls and they love me. I also know this cat has got bloody fleas and I better get to the vets today!!!!
Have a great weekend you lot and be happy
xxx