Get Fit Be Sane

Being best friends with Clarrie and Stephen and Jude leaves me feeling rather left out at times when they discuss Choccie Options and stuff like The Gym.
Being fat and ugly (most unlike Clazza who me and Marie both said is a very pretty girl) I really need to lose some weight and get fitter. But when I mention 'diet' my family and friends take a sharp intake of breath.
You see for the past three years I have been very ill with depression and anxiety disorder. I'm also prone to compulsions....BIG compulsions.
When I became ill, it was at a time when my life has spiraled madly out of control. I couldn't grasp the edges of anything. Nothing was the right shape, nothing as it was. People talked over my head. My family took my girls for a while. I couldn't work. Nothing was as it had been. I'd lost control majorly. I've no idea why I decided it, but I decided that if I couldn't control what went into my mouth, There was no control. I began to diet. No, wrong word, I began to starve. And in 5 months I had lost 4 stone. I'd also began to obsessively walk and exercise. I had a schedule that had to be kept or else the world would end. I loved the feeling of the burn and the rush of happiness that exercise can give.
My diet was totally rigid. Usually a piece of fruit or an egg for breakfast. A ryvita for lunch and a weight watchers meal for dinner. Ok it was something....But ashamedly I have to confess to being bulimic, Without the bingeing. I NEVER cheated. If I felt in any way full, I would vomit. It's easy. Its quick and simple and makes me feel great afterwards.
I never bought food and feel that's prob why the kids are so obsessed with food being in the house now. The kids ate school dinners and what I ate really. Not a lot.
I ended up at the psychiatrist who said I was clinically anorexic.
So how did I end up fat again? Well the diet helped to tip me right over the edge of all sanity and after a while the Demons appeared in my life. They'd watch me, follow me, whisper to me. Try to suffocate me in bed. I didn't tell anyone for ages but one day at the doctors I refused to sit in the waiting room. There were about 6 of them there all watching me. The doctor asked me what the problem was and I couldn't tell him, then it all came out. That was the day I started anti-psychotic drugs. The mix of those and the anti-deps caused a weight surge. I also became sluggish and immobile, sleepy and calm.
Then to add totally to all my problems, my thyroid has overgrown and was occluding my throat. Breathing was a problem and I had surgery to remove a huge goiter which had grown into my lungs.
I took a while to recover from that surgery and the weight piled back on. The drugs caused water retention. My ankles swelled like melons. I could hardly walk .
To cut a very long arduous story at that point....... I SURVIVED everything. I came off the anti -psychotics (expecting a weight loss which never happened) I'm still taking the Effexor and internet research has brought up loads of cases of patients who take high dose effexor, for over two years, as having massive weight gain which is impossible to shift.
I'd love to ditch the drugs but a few tries has resulted in me not being right (at work mainly) and work is v v v important to me. I'm good at it.
I guess it will happen sometime.
Clazza said to me 'Better fat than mad' and that's true.
But I'm going to be sensible and try to get fitter. Maybe joint the local gym and ditch the bad food. Eat more fruit and veg. I ordered some scales from Amazon last night. It's a start!