what's love got to do with anything?

I was thinking a lot about love today... Well yesterday really on the way home in the car. I do a lot of thinking in the car. It's a wonder I ever get anywhere.
For the majority of my life love had evaded me. I'm probably quite glad about that really. I had BF's but none of them clicked. I was always stressed and it never felt right. It was the same when I met my ex husband. I wasn't sure, held back. Then I guess sex took over (I wasn't totally aware then that his idea of sex was the roll on roll off ferry manouvere) then I guess my biological clock. Wanted to settle down have kids, forget that awful bit when you're 'available' and you have to make an effort.
So you get married. The worst bit is when they let themselves go. Initially the thrill of marriage and the house and the wifey bit is enough, can't wait for them to come home so you can run upstairs and shag like crazy.
Then complacency sets in and things slide. The childbirth thing is a HUGE factor. The tiredness, loss of control, the vile things it does to your body...The horror of STITCHES.
Then the inability for the man to even begin to understand how your mind works, how one minute you can be raving like a crazed Loon and next perfectly in control and never wanting to mention that episode again. Actually did I even understand myself? No. Oh well.
But I did ok. I plodded on and life was pretty full.
It wasn't until it had all crumbled like a stale digestive biscuit that I realised that I'd never loved him. There had never ever been any passion. No total enveloping mind blowing emotions.
Does that matter? Can you run a marriage like a business partnership? Maybe but you have to have respect for the partner. Respect that ensures that even if what they want isn't what you want, you'll at least compromise. Trouble with that though is that as humans we have this desire for love and this longing won't just go away.
Think about all the songs and poems written about love?
I didn't respect him. He had nothing to respect. Yet now with his new GF, the girls tell me he's funny and active and full of life. He takes her kids places, builds stuff, helps around the house. Hmph.
So then I split and met someone and did fall head over heels in love, a suffocating unbearable time when I was only happy when we were together and I didn't really care about anything but him.
It didn't last. Totally unbalanced, stupidly unbalanced and I swore I'd never ever love any man again but I thought I'm glad I loved and really know what love feels like. But hey we won't ever do that again.
There was another time. Fairly recently. But I knew right from the start it could never work out so I guess I tried really hard to squash it. Sometimes it slipped out a little. Sometimes it engulfed me and I had to hose myself down to get rid of it again. But I'm fairly sure I did battle with Cupid and won... This time anyways.
Sometimes...When it's very black I get very down about the fact that I don't think anyone has ever truly loved Me. My ex never or he'd never have done those bad things. I'm not talking about the love of the kids or family but male love. Doesn't matter... Their loss? If only I truly believed that then maybe I could lose a few weeks of psychiatry.
And there endeth the gospel according to Mz Trinity 2005.