Trin Thoughts

I decided I'm going to lose weight. Today I forgot to eat all day in work. On the way home I was starving. I could have eaten anything. I got home and had some left over beef casserole from last night. After I ate it, I felt bloated like some huge hippo. So I went upstairs and did the usual pukey bit. I'd forgotten how damn good it is to purge. Heaven. The feeling of complete control over your body. I can do ANYTHING.
The Brain zaps are terrible this week. This is caused by the reduction of Effexor. They aren't painful but they are unpleasant. I get some sort of pressure in my head, almost as if a headache may start then little zaps, I call them sparklies. Sometimes I see jagged light, sometimes I can hear them whoosh past my ear. Sometimes they just play in my brain and everytime it makes me gasp with the feeling of it. They make me feel drugged, not drunk. Drunk effects the whole body, numb feelings, this isn't numb. It's my head. I'm unsteady and unbalanced. I take my 75mg of Effexor at 9pm. It takes a good 2-3 hours to reach the blood again then I'm a bit better. Last night, however the sparklies took me to a new level and I felt paranoid and scared. I kept calling Abby and text Danz at 3am. I didn't sleep well and wasn't 'right' at work today. But I coped.
I'm really worried about what will happen when there is no 9pm and they take me off the evil little bastards for good. I honestly don't think I'll be functionable for a while.
I'm hungry again now. Yessssss, fuck you hunger.
I'm worried about Abby.
They've been on holiday a week now. She's sat in here alone. No phone calls, no out with 'mates'. I don't think she has any real friends. I feel worried and upset about her.
She says she wants to stay in, but that's not normal for a 15 year old girl.
I wish she had a real friend. She was in junior school when the divorce happened and the worst of it came on transfer to senior school. I think Abby's complex emotions and inner wranglings prevented her from finding a good friend... Then the bullying happened and she left that school.
She Started this present school, and I was eternally grateful to a certain Miss* (my mates know who) for taking Abby as her friend.
They did everything together and Abby was sooo happy. She so longed for a friend, a best friend.
Then her friend went all weirded out, had problems of her own and after the disatrous party where she ruined Abby's night by getting carted off in an ambulance, they broke up.
Abby said she heard her once bragging about that incident. She has no idea just how traumatised and upset Abby was about it. To her it was ruined.
Then there was Nichole. Abby took to Nichole like honey to a Bee. Nic was different, vibrant, complex, emotional and loyal. Loved with passion. Never had a bad word to say about anyone, esp her parents. Abby respected that. I'm not easy but Abby would never bad mouth me either. Abby adored Nic.
I was so pleased. At last a friend for her, someone who understood all about not fitting in, being different, having a mum who was not quite the norm.
Then she went back to America.
I think Abby grieved for quite some while. She worried about her a lot.
I asked her today.. Did she have any plans? To see anyone? Go anywhere?
Nope
All she wants to do is read and watch DVD's. Is that normal?
Danz is a bit too young to have a loyal friend I reckon. She spends 90% of her time with next door's 4 year old boy. He adores her. Ah well, she always wanted a little brother.
Enough from me.
xxx