Uh Oh

I have a pain, in my gastric region. A stabbing urgent nauseating pain. It started a while ago. But gradually it's got worse and today at work it was gnawing at me all day, so much that I couldn't concentrate well.
Plus the damn heat hasn't helped. Tonight I laid on the sofa and was suddenly overwhelmed by the certainty that I was going to die.
First of all I was just a bit flat. Just knew I was dying.
Then later I began to get anxious. Not about dying but about all the emotional stuff that surrounds dying.
And I got sad.
And I couldn't stop crying. Now there's a conundrum. Part of me knows I'm being silly, I know that tonight I scared the kids and I regret that a lot. But the other half is locked in this fluffy crazed head that won't function tonight and knows that no matter what they say, I am going to die soon. I guess it started a few weeks back. I started to joke about my funeral. I told Marie to make sure all my online friends came. And to make sure they all cried. Then today in work I asked if they'd come to my funeral. So it been round my head for a while.
I thought of all the things it could be. I'm a nurse, I know these things.
I can't go to work tomorrow. That's bothering me. That I don't feel able to. I'm so crap.
But I don't feel sorry for myself, it's ok.
Hope I don't feel like this tomorrow.
But if I do die remember I loved you all
ok?