flesh and blood

What's going on today? I feel a little anxious. There's two reasons I can think of and hopefully both will be sorted by the end of the day.
I got up earlier, I got dressed and had breakfast. A rarity. But I'm trying to instill some routine into this life. Weekends and bank holidays and everything crumbles.
I miss Danz. Initially it seemed great for her to go away all weekend. And Abby being my best mate understands me and fits in with anything. But maybe bank holidays should be about family and seeing they're my family.......
Me and Abby are a pair, like Laurel and Hardy, Ant and Dec, Charles and Diana (ooops)
I know Danz can feel left out sometimes. But she's such a gentle kind child, she'd do anything to make me happy. Yeah she has her own moments of teenage craziness (at 12!) but they go to mould you into your own persona. She's also becoming very attractive, she wears makeup to school.... Just a tad but it suits her. Abby isn't fussed with such efforts of the feminine psyche. She's just **Abby like it or lump it. Abby is naturally pretty though, me and Danz need products to enhance our beauty. My God, I need a whole face of make up to make me even remotely presentable.
I don't feel very attractive ATM. Inside or outside. Years ago, I didn't worry about such things. You reckon when your married and settled that you give up on trying? Women cut their long hair... No need for cumbersome long hair anymore. Short cropped easy to look after. Don't wear make up or perfume. Gain weight and stop soul searching. Maybe I'm way off the mark here... But that's what marriage seems to me.
Yet, the whole business of being single isn't fab either. Insecurities about the way you look and act and just are. For what? Because as human beings our genetic makeup draws us to look for a mate. Someone to share and be with. Someone to trust and bond with.
I'm not sure the whole 'Love' thing is altogether real. Maybe Love is just sex, the euphoria of finding someone that makes you feel whole. Nothing like orgasms to make the world seem such a better place.
I wonder what I'll think when I look back on the choices and lives path I made when I'm 80? I'm not sure I'm wise at all. I think I've made some dreadful mistakes. I've hurt myself far more than anyone could ever hurt me.
I thought I REALLY needed people and things when in fact all I needed was a little self esteem and self love.
So why, sat here today Easter Bank Holiday Monday... am I anxious about something I've done that really doesn't matter one tiny bit?
Because you're only human Trin.

**Edit... from cross teen... It's Abby 'like it or STUFF it'... apparently.