Blah Blah Trin

You know what? I'm really feeling quite drab and dull this week. I guess I'm having a stable level phase. Something to grab onto I guess but as ever never happy. I hate the lows. The lows leave me prosrate and face down in the mud . But those oh so elusive highs are so fantastic. Like roller skating off a cliff at 150 miles per hour. But then it all gets jumbled up and then the great decline. But this is a level period and I feel dull. I can't win can I? Dull Trin. Two people called me today and both seemed bored with me, wanted to get off the phone asap. Now I think that in reality it wasn't me but their own shit happening. But my heart says it's me. If I was bubbly and interesting. If I was the Trin I was 18 months ago. The Trin with lots of people to talk to, the Trin who was vivacious and daring and Brave. That Trin they'd have died to talk to. Now I haven't got a lot to give.
Today I had palpatations at least I think they were. They made me feel faint and ill, but now I'm not sure that they weren't in my head.
And then there's my attitude with the girls. It's always me and Abby vs Danz or me and Danz vs Abby and then last night when I was mad with Danielle it was Abby and Danz vs me. Why do we have to be vs any of us. Why can't it be us three girls vs the world?
And I know it's my fault. I'm manipulative and cruel at times.
I just remembered something. A kid got off the train at Cheltenham yesterday and as he passed our seats he yelled to his mate "check I haven't left any of my shit on the seat back there"
Danz was horrified. She's not got the lingo yet.
I asked Abby today what she thought of Manchester. We live in a very predominantly white area of town. I was interested in what she thought, I'd so hate any of my kids to be racist or predudiced against any one.
Manchester is so Cosmopolitan compared to Bristol.
I said there was far more ethnic groups there. Danz picked up on it and said she'd find the names hard to remember, but I guess if she was at school there she'd get it easily. But Abby just didn't get it. Finally I said..There's far more black and Asian etc families there. She said she didn't notice any black people.
I was a bit cross with myself that I'd brought it up with her, but I was interested in her response.
But to Abby, skin colour doesn't come into it. She didn't note any difference at all. Isn't that a great hope for the future? Live and let live. No live and help to live. Right.
God I ramble on don't I?
I wish you could talk back to me blogger and challenge me. I wish you could slap me sometimes when I'm being silly. There's a thought for Bill Gates. An interactive PC with slapping facility. Now that's possibly open to abuse ;P