But This is Phil Talking I wanna tell you what I found to be true

Last Night after watching the painfully unfunny Alan Partridge sketch with the 'MilkyBarKid' who was gay. I switched off and went to bed. Danielle is home from camp and was planted firmly in her bed, stretched out over the whole double mattress.
Hmm I thought, I guess it's the sofa for me. I looked longingly at my king sized orthopaedic mattress. I've asked several people if they'd help me sort it out to no avail. Two weeks later it's still broke. So at 1 am I took off the mattress. Realigned the non broken slats on the metal edges and tied each one onto the metal with a pair of tights or socks or whatever I could find that's strong. There's a long wood piece that sits on each side and that's splintered too. The problem is that the bed isn't screwed in properly. It's moved making the metal edges an inch or so too far apart which is why the slat contraption slips off and snaps. It needs tightening up and then screwing the wood into the metal...There are holes in the metal all along the edge. So My tights measure went around the wood edge and metal edge and a few of the slats. I worked for about 1/2 hour on it. Looks really odd but it worked. It didn't move and was still ok this morning. And I got a better nights sleep.
I was so tired after and went to clean my teeth to find the toothpaste missing. Now how could a tube of Colgate simply disappear. At this point I lost the plot and started screaming at Abby who awoke in a panic.
'Where's the Fucking Toothpaste' I yelled. It was in her bedroom. Why do that? FFS.
Today I'm going to look for a car. Nothing fancy, just something a bit reliable with a clutch that hasn't gone and doesn't look like a corned beef can on wheels. Something small but with a seething engine of potential underneath the glossy bonnet.
Tell you all about it later