The Self Pity Monster

Right now I feel very lonely. It raises its head up above the parapet now and then and when it finds me it bites me hard and makes me cry. Though I'm not crying now but my eyes are wet. I feel I look constantly for answers. I ask the questions but never find the why and where fors. I try to fill my time but end up in the middle of a deserted beach staring at miles and miles of sand and nothing else. I guess that's why I give my phone number out readily. In some grasping attempt to find people to connect with. But no-one connects. Who would ever be able to connect with a mind so warped that even I don't understand it.
The toilet seat is broken, it slips around when you sit on it...Its a crap council one so I bought a new one. Now I'm upset because I have to fit it. Why ever didn't I pay attention to people repairing things. But you see I did so much in the family life that I didn't have time for that as well. Now I'm stuck everytime I need to do something.
I went to work today. It was busy and fun. The girls were ace and I left 1/2 hour late because it was frantic. Then I came home. The girls have gone to see Thunderbirds AGAIN. The silence is good, I find sometimes their noise and demands press on my head like a vice. Sometimes I have to go shut the bedroom door to breath. But then when they aren't here I feel panicked. I guess that a normal kind of feeling.
You know you can be just as lonely within a relationship as out, infact sometimes more so because the complexity of the relationship doesn't allow for self expression or logical thought. Someone like me is better alone. No-one deserves to be trapped with me. The kids haven't a choice..... And in a way they see me as their saviour. Abby said to me the other day....Don't crack up I couldn't live without you. You are my rock. Bless her for being her. Danz though is possibly all our rocks. The youngest yet the practical calm one. When she gets upset we all are heart broken and protective. How dare things upset our little sunbeam.
And so why write this. Because its a post for me and me alone. It doesn't refer to anyone and doesn't ask to be read. But I need to look back on times like these and see that I've moved on. I have this green book...a book I kept through my illness. A book that no-one can read because its full of madness and irrationalness but a book that although painful to read is necessary for progression.
I have to see the doctor tomorrow. I hate it, I clam up and get flustered. Anything to do with me is a no go area.
I want to be happy. And yes I am getting there. I want to be happy on my own and in my own head. Damn this desire to have friends and the need to talk to people. Who wrote 'No man is an Island?'
You know the very few trusted and real friends I do talk to..... I think they get fed up of me. Do you blame them? I don't. Friends don't seem to stay long, they don't stick around to see the end out. Will someone please shoot the self pity monster now. He needs to be dead and long buried.
I ran over a cat today. It was running across the road like a flash. Then i slammed the brakes on. There was silence then it ran out, bounded into a garden opposite. i got out to look for it, but no sign. I hate to think a cat is lying injured because of me. Cats are so expressive and adorable.
I feel better now. I needed to tell someone this so I choose you reader. Then its not all on one person. If I write it in an email or letter its on one persons shoulders. If I keep it in a diary its locked deep inside me still not able to come out and be exorcised.
I decided though. I'm going to stop trying to be a different person to the one I really am. I may as well go with the flow and rediscover the true Trinity.
And now for battle with the toilet. Least I don't have to sit through Thunderbirds again!
I got a lot of love to give. I like to care and give and help. I need these things really. Without them who am I?