M&S S&M ?

Made me laugh on the way to work.
The poster says "My M&S"
and someone stuck on it
"Mine's S&M"

pure naughty

Click here to watch 'naughty-bailey'
Click here to watch 'naughty-bailey-again'

lovework

Oh what's love got to do, got to do with it
What`s love but a second hand emotion
What`s love got to do, got to do with it
Who needs a heart
When a heart can be broken

Tina Turner 1984

Abby's big play tonight. But I can't see it. Working a late. My own fault. I swapped ages ago to avoid a certain person.
Then she announces it's her play and principle wouldn't allow me to change back... Besides it's better staffing for the unit. You can't have 2 on an early and no-one on late, which is what would have happened.
I was going back to bed but I've just blitzed the house. It's those damn cats that make the mess. Bailey's been ripping up paper, and bringing me in gifts of leaves and twigs and worms. Thanks Bailey.
There's science diet cat food everywhere... Heaven knows how they manage to make it spread so far over the kitchen carpet.
I'm glad I'm back at work. Yesterday was hard. I got into piles of notes spread everywhere. Our ward receptionist is lovely but needs a little direction. She says she likes it when I work because I'm so organised and know what needs doing but in reality she probably groans. I don't trust people who compliment anymore because they don't mean it.
There were piles of notes awaiting results.
There's a system at work where you send the notes immediately after admission to be coded and then the hospital gets funding for having had that patient in hospital for x number of days.
If the notes don't get sent we don't get money. Also if they don't get sent within a certain time scale it's wiped off too.
I got in yesterday, looked through the notes. But some results in and sent the lot to be coded.
Then the doctors come in and ask.. "Where's the notes?" They'd keep them until doomsday. If notes get lost it's ALWAYS the doctors. They find them at home, in the car, in various offices.
Miss efficient here, Miss OCD extreme won't allow that. Now imagine working with me?
Yes... Ok Bossy overbearing and interfering may be a fair statement but just don't call me inefficient.
I had a bad day emotionally, socially and self esteem wise yesterday. Today will be better. Ok you listening Miss Trinity.. Today WILL be better.
Love you all?
No.
Love is a bad useless and overused word that brings heartache and sadness.

go away badness

Honey, It's been a long time coming
And I can't stop now
Such a long time running
And I can't stop now
Do you hear my heart beating
Can you hear that sound
Cause I can't stop thinking
And I don't look down

Embrace 2005

I'm sorry I haven't any words of inspirational quality today. I'm actually quite down. It's been coming for a while. Like a boil that festers and won't go away.
I need it to all come out into the open, be resolved and go away.
Every single part of my life is affected.
Work, home, friends... Damn even Rainbows. Marie told me tonight that one child hadn't been coming because I'd shouted at the group one night because they refused to listen.
Yeah I shout to get attention at times but it's always followed with a smile and praise when they comply.
But it worried me. Maybe I shouldn't be doing Rainbows anymore?
The real worry is that when everything seems bad, I'm slipping into depression.
I keep thinking bad things. My head hurts and my jaw aches from needing to scream "FOR FUCKS SAKE GO AWAY FUZZY MISERABLE HEAD"
I'm not even sure if I'm real anymore. How do I know I'm not in a weird 'Total Recall' Movie?
For one reason, I guess if this was a dream I'd be a size 10 with cascading hair to my butt and a set of boobs to die for. You think I'd dream to be like this?
Problems with Abby again.
She didn't go to school this afternoon. That damn Catering course at the college. Her Amy and Charlotte got to the bus stop at 12.40 and at 13.40 the bus still hadn't come. Fearful of another tongue lashing for the ever sympathetic Catering teacher she rang me and went home.
Now she'll get an unauthorised absence mark.
The bus service is appalling. I don't know. Part of me thinks that in a few months time they'll be at work or college and the bus excuse won't wash... Except that if they are late with a reason they will be treated as adults and not school kids and be yelled at.
Then the other part thinks that this is school and someone should be over looking how they get to lessons... Even the ones that are miles away. The other kids like Dan get Computer lessons at another school. They get transport provided.
And I'm tired and not sure that I have the fight to go over this again and again with that unhelpful crap school.
Sorry. Sorry.Sorry. If I say it a thousand times will it make it all better?

Helpful Bailey

It's quite difficult to do the ironing when a certain cat sits on the sheets and you can't move the material around the board.
She does not look amused as we try to remove her.

Lunch in Clifton

I like Clifton, with it's high pavements and beautiful buildings. But the worst bit about Clifton is the parking. There is absolutely nowhere. I nearly smashed into a rather expensive looking convertible car whilst trying to find a space. Lucky my lightening reflexes came to hand ;/

I finally parked but could only have an hour and as I was determined not to get towed that was to be my lot. An hour for lunch is fine though. We had stilton and broccoli soup and rustic bread, Camembert and Cheshire cheese and Chocolate Brownies.

The house was impressive. Beautiful outside, even better inside. High ceilings and wood floors and ensuite bathrooms.
Sigh.

She lived right next to Clifton Market. This tiny bunch of tulips cost a tenner.
The baby was lush. Really funny and cute and spent a good amount of time hiding under my skirt. Oh yes, Abby came too. Feeling better now.... As you do :(
The baby had tiny pink converse boots just like Abby's.

Lady 4 lunch

You know you're on a loser when your eldest stumbles downstairs asking first her sister than me if she 'looks pale'.
No, we both said emphatically.
So she got dressed but came downstairs all disheveled and hair wild and said she felt sick and had tummy ache.
I'm not in the habit of battling for school attendance. I'd lose anyways. If she went in she'd be sent back in an hour.
So back to bed and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she is ill.
I was sick yesterday morning. There's a bug going round.
I puked me meds up, I felt a bit heady and spacey all day. Not sure if it was the lack of lamotrigine or not. I don't think it effects you in that way.
I started a new web site yesterday. TBH, it wasn't really meant to be for anyone but me. I really do need some counselling. I'm bursting with things to bring out into the open. As I feel better I need to talk about just what the feck has happened to me... To us.
So I started it, and spent all weekend making it comfortable and mine.
It looks pretty and I did some retrospective writing. But last night was surprised when someone found it.
It's ok, I don't mind but I don't really want the few precious mates I have to roll their eyes and think 'Here that Stupid Cow goes again'. And retreat. There is such a thing as burning out your friends.
Then the kids found it.
I told Abby that I wanted it to be personal just for me. Both of them have 'MySpace' sites that I don't read.
She said that she wouldn't be a very good daughter if she didn't keep an eye on what I wrote, if she reads she can see how I'm feeling.
'Imagine how I'd feel if you died and I hadn't seen the signs' She proclaimed.
And you reckon my kids are having a normal happy upbringing?
I'm going out for lunch.
A girl from work. Haven't done that in ages. I rang her last night to check it was still ok. Her husband said she was on the machine and couldn't come to the phone.
Machine?
'Life Support?' I asked. Turns out it's one of those walking cross country contraptions. She never did ring me back so I THINK I'm going to her for lunch.
Trin, a lady who lunches. Could be a new trend... Not.

trin-i-tee

trin-i-tee ChristianMusic.com:

"We want Trin-i-tee 5:7 to be an international ministry, speaking to people everywhere."

I know how they feel!

Lets examine a lyrical sample of their music

(Jesus speaks to Judas during the last Supper)

"It's awfully quiet at the table tonight.
(someone put the Arctic Monkeys on the CD changer)
In fact, it seems it's hard for you to look me straight in the eyes.
(especially with that squint)
Is there something wrong?
Do you have someplace to go?
Or can you tell, that I already know!
You have been with me it seems for quite some time.
Though you call me Lord of Hosts,
you still have so much to hide.
And this is our last dinner,
(I'm breaking up with you)
And still you won't say,
You're sorry or you'll regret the crime,
That you're about to commit".
(I think the crime maybe that he doesn't eat all his carrots)

Brilliant. I have no idea where they got the idea for such original lyrics.
Jeez.

novel

A shop on the way to my mother's house.
Sells school uniform, personalised stuff.

"Hoods- Tees. fleece Jackets
AND
Waterpoof Jackets"

Radical. For schoolwear anyways.

Sharkie

Sunday. I hate them. Well I was dreading today. Danz was at a sleepover and I had to pick her up at 10 am, drive to my Mothers, pick her up... Go to the gym and then out for lunch with my parents.
Yeah, I know it sounds nice but my father was the last person I wanted to sit across a table from today.
Danz was at her friend Serena's. I rang her from the car to say I was almost there. She wasn't ready. I sat outside impatiently and even beeped the horn once. She came out all flappy and flustered. I felt this miserable cloud sit on my head and I glared at her. "I thought you said you'd be ready at 10 am"? I moaned.
She didn't say anything. We got 200 yards down the road and she announces she'd forgotten her handbag.
"Great" I snarled and turned the car around. As I drove back with my face like thunder a little inner voice nagged me.
Wasn't this just the kind of behaviour exhibited to us by our father when we were little? The terror that we'd get something wrong and rile him.
Oh he had excuses, he had diabetes and I'm fairly sure was depressed at some point. And I use my BP as an excuse for a load of shit that I shouldn't. But is that any reason to take stuff out on the kids? She'd had a great sleepover to have it spoilt by a snappy miserable old bitch of a mother?
Why couldn't I just pick her up cheerfully and patiently? So we lost a few minutes with her forgetfulness but FFS it simply didn't matter.
Anyways we went to the gym.
I did 14 lengths. The first 10 were hard but then the burn kicked and suddenly it became easy. I could have done loads more but the hassle of negotiating a pool full of rather rude Chinese people and a bratty little boy who dived on my head 3 times and almost drowned me was too overwhelming.
Sunday morning is not the time to exercise there.
So on to dinner. Where an hour was sent making polite conversation and him trying to persuade me that I was a fool not to have the car serviced annually. What with Buttons?
Now home and an afternoon sleep dream in which Zane Lowe was in the gym pool and the miserable receptionist from last year wouldn't let me in because my card had got wet.
Why can't everyone be as patient as me?...
And, bastard no I have not got 'All the patience of a hungry shark' either....

love me on a weekend

You know what really was bugging me today? It was jealousy. Downright all consuming jealousy. Come out and be counted you little green eyed monster!
It was Saturday. The weekend and once again here I am all alone. Like every other sodding Saturday. I watched the men with their partners shopping and putting petrol in the car and talking together. Yep, that's the bit I'm jealous about most. The 'having someone who loves you' to talk to.
Come to think of it, I was actually married to someone for 11 years and we hardly talked at all.
Maybe that's the whole crux of why I think I need someone.
Maybe I just want to be loved. And not just on a Saturday either. I'd quite like to be loved on a Wednesday too.
Is that Too much to ask?

flat sat

Saturday. The final Frontier. These are the Voyages of Star Ship Trinity.
Ah if only I could recount some intergalactic tales to impart to you my sweet blog.
But alas today was as flat as Holland.
I had two letters. One to say the rent is going up by a fiver a week and the other to say the gas is going up by 2.5 p per gassy unit.
Great!
I ventured out into the sunny Bristol air, I needed Gas. Damn the cold. I can hardly freeze the kids to death, but if it gets anymore expensive we shall huddle by the gas cooker and sing hymns.
What a bunch of boy racers jerks on the Bristol Roads today. Someone pulled off so fast from the traffic lights, next to me. His tyres burned and squealed and smoke came out of the sides. I thought WTF? It didn't get him anywhere any faster. Actually thinking about it, I reckon he'd nicked it. It's car theft superstore round here.
I'm reading my third book this week... crikey. I think I'll have to join the library at this rate. Shame most librarians are bloody women...

Blue Peter

So Abby and Danz had a brief star moment on Blue Peter. You couldn't miss them...They look like me!!!!. Shelter H2H is a very mixed Ethnic bag of kids. We live in a predominantly white area of Bristol and I'm glad my kids have got to meet these kids from Ethiopia and Somalia. It's opened their horizons. They've listened to some tales of terror and poverty from these kids and it's made it's mark.
Anyways, I digress... It was all about a kid from Holland who moved here under a cloud of domestic violence and poverty.
Her case was taken up by Shelter and it was her story... With some footage of Shelters Groovy team at the office and going 10 pin bowling. Danz was the child sat next to her so we saw more of her. I'm a proud mum.
I'm just waiting to be discovered now.

Shelter

I've been to the gym. I got up, looked in the mirror realised I looked a complete sight but thought what the heck, I'm only going to get wet so set off.
The place was full of middle aged women chatting. A social event. I pang of jealousy that I hadn't got anyone to socialise with then annoyance that they were so tightly knit in the water that length swimming was problematic.
The first 10 lengths were hard work, but I pushed through the pain and got into focus. I did 18. I've only ever managed 20 before so I was pleased. I could have done more but the gossip brigade were pissing me off and I had stuff to do home here.
We're looking forward to Blue Peter though a part of me thinks... Shit what if the girls look like complete tramps. But if they do look like rough council house kids remember they're in Homeless Mode and meant to look that way ;)
Shelter rang me a while back to ask if I do something very special for them. They want someone to go to London, Stay overnight and attend a conference on Mental Health and being homeless. With emphasis on the effects on the children and how Shelters work helped.
They say I'm an inspiration to others and would do Shelter justice.
Me?
Inspirational?
I will do it. It might make me very nervous but I am well able to project myself and stand up and talk. But the main reason I'd do it is to somehow repay Shelter for their dedication and commitment to me and the girls over the past 4 years.
Shelter H2H were the main crux to us functioning as a family, to the girls coming to terms with events and being able to relax and realise we weren't on our own.
I'm not sure anyone will possibly understand just exactly what we went through those first few awful years. But moreso what the kids went through with my completely crazy irrational behaviour and the debt and sorrow I put them through. The bailiffs banging at the door, the fear of not having a roof over our heads.
Abby refused to go to school for 3 months at one time. We had the educational welfare people round. Shelter sorted all of that out and got her moved to Hartcliffe. Turns out that Abby used to cry a lot at school and this is why she was bullied, because she was an emotional wreck.
And why was she such a wreck? Because of all the shit at home. Kids can be so cruel. At a time when she needed them they turned on her.
Our past has been troubled but our past also shapes us into the people we are now and I think we're ok. I think the girls are wonderful kids and will be able to draw on past experiences to channel them through life.
What's my Motto? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
Never a truer sentence... Especially in the Trinity household.

Naughty Kitty

Aren't they meant to improve as they get older? Bailey still thinks she's a kitten. She races around the place chasing imaginary mice and butterflies and looks crazier than me.
This morning she ice skated over the frozen car. Danz and me laughed at she ran over the roof slipped and slid down the windscreen. Did it put her off? Right! She did it over and over again.
I came downstairs this morning to find a little hoard of tampons at the bottom of the stairs. She has a 'thing' about them. She'd stolen them from the bathroom and taken them down the stairs to bat around.

I was thinking last night about why I don't like dogs... The way they sit waiting for food, obsessed with food, you only have to mention dinner and they're there.
Hmmm sounds like fat Bailey.
I swear she has some canine blood in her somewhere.

careful what you pray for

ForgivenDriven.com - I need to find a Christian boyfriend:

"Sometimes we need to be careful what we ask of God because he could open up a flood gate of potential husbands."

Some worthy advice from the Christian Forum. Better not ask God for more sex, we may end up with an orgy.
In my humble experience single guys who hang out at Church are usually the type with hand knitted jumpers and still live with their mothers. Don't actually want to take responsibility for anything. His Mother does the physical stuff like washing and cooking, and God takes responsibility for his mind and thoughts.
A quick wank on a Friday night and repent at will on Sunday.
Yes, I've met a few. Didn't stop me fantasizing about 'making their entire year' but would probably be a huge mistake. Stir the one eyed monster and live in fear of God for all eternity.

Wonder why I'm so anti Christianity? It's not the actually principle of the faith. The good living decency, kind, caring, crime free life. But such a vacuum of perfection draws bad breath with an enormous potential for corruption. And these people, like those on that forum can't see that? They can't see beyond the wooden cross and symbolic bread and wine.
To embrace true Christianity means to suspend all rational thought. To blindly follow others and do the will of some God. And what is his will?
The girl who searches endlessly for the good Christian boy. The one who will make her life complete. The one who'll accompany her to church. Pray with her, lay with her and stay with her for all eternity including the after life?
Why does that thought make me feel slightly nauseated?
Well, let's hope God knows how to use the WWW then.

pink thursday

Pink Leopard Cone
Originally uploaded by weatherpixie.

My friend sent me this link, and it made me laugh.
Not sure this one WANTS rescuing.
Looks like she likes it there!
I do think Coney would LOVE to meet her though.

teddy and knickers

I've had a very quiet day. Very quiet. Kind of submerged day just for me. Went back to bed, read a book, played some music. Danced around the front room. Made hot Dogs for tea. The cats have followed me from room to room. Even Taylor's been very lovey.
I went to the gym last night. After swimming I went into the changing rooms dripping wet. There was a woman stood chatting by my locker. I stood there and waited for her to notice the dripping wet woman stood by her. She didn't and I was forced to say excuse me.
She turned and stared, then moved slightly. I put the locker key in and pulled out my stuff, turned and headed for the cubicle. There was a laugh and the woman said "Umm are these yours?" A pair of my knickers was sat on her head. They fallen out as I pulled out the bag. I was so embarrassed. Silly cow should have moved.
I'm also excited today. In amongst my sadness and self enforced isolation YSL text me. She's coming to Bristol to see Teddy Thompson and wants me to go with her :) I hope she'll come stay with us... If she's brave enough. Something to look forward to. I better start listening to some Teddy Music... He comes highly recommended ;)

2nd March 2005

I miss you Nan. I try not to think about you every day because it hurts too much. But you're always in my heart. I wish I could have told you I loved you one more time. My last memory of you is the awful one in the hospital. And the days after where everything was so bleak and sad.
Your wishes weren't fulfilled. I'm sorry. Truly sorry but in the great scheme of things. I guess your loss outweighed anything else.
A whole year has passed. A phone call. You were gone forever.
What do others write in this situation?... 'gone to a better place?'
No, the better place was here with me.
I was ashamed when I realised I'd forgotten it was today. But now I wish I hadn't remembered because the pain is as acute now as it was a year ago.
At least we can look back at you and think and remember what a bloody fantastic woman and grandmother you were.
If I'm loved half as much I will be blessed.
The girls miss you like crazy. You'd be so proud of them. Abby working hard for her exams. Danz settling into senior school. Making friends, being happy.
And me?
I'm surviving Nan. I'm trying really hard but it's a struggle sometimes. But I keep climbing that hill and maybe one day I'll be as wonderful as you were.
Maybe. Tall order though.
XXX

pinkie

New sexy f**k me now Lenor

I really hate Laundry TV adverts. The insinuation that we should orgasm over the smell of a freshly laundered pashmina.
The new Lenor Pink Advert is a blatant in your face attempt to make women feel fulfilled by using a pink laundry product.

"Never before has 'me time' been so important - that's why Lenor helps make the process of doing the laundry so simple and pleasurable."

Pleasurable? Washing your guys dirty pants will never be pleasurable if you use a pink product or not.
I also hate how Danz was drawn into this stupid advert. She loves the woman with the pink wrap dragging her mobile phone across the radiator and pretending its the noise of roadworks.
"That's clever isn't it mum?", she asks.
No Danz. In reality if you did that you'd smash your mobile phones rather expensive screen.
This website is full of happy images. Men and women in bed reveling in the smell of their freshly washed sheets.
Sex to sell fabric conditioner

"We believe a long-lasting, fabulous fragrance is everything, so get yourself in the mood with Lenor's unbeatable range of aromas"

And a picture of a couple indulging in obvious foreplay.
Crikey... I better buy some.

abigail doll

abigail baby's dress

Who buys these hideous dolls? This one has a serious hip issue going on down there.
I've never seen such spaced apart legs.

unfortunate American colonic incident that didn't involve Bush.

exploding toilet affects Colon family

News from America. Land of the free.

"We heard a thump," said Marilyn Colon.
The next thing she knew her toilet exploded.
"Feces, urine, oil...it went all through the house," said Colon"

Oil?

Local North Carolina news reports a dreadful incident with this woman's exploding toilet. Obv. a quiet news day.
I did like her final words on the subject though

"I lost everything," said Colon.

Analysation

If I take some time to think about it
If I peel back the layers
And explore the black cells underneath
If I plunge my hands into the sordid mess
And debride the deadness
And expose the pain inside
I will face it
And pull every atom apart
And ask why
Just why it had ever existed
Then it would shrink and dry
And leave me be
To shine.

Trinity 2006

I want to do a creative writing course. I like expressing through word but my head keeps having these crazy blocks and won't allow me to find the right words anymore. Maybe with some encouragement and purpose I could explore this art and get some worthy satisfaction from it. Plus it'll get me out of the house and meet like minded people who too want to express.
I've been looking online for one in Bristol. I only found one at the Uni. I think that may be a bit highfalutin for little old me. They prob all got degrees or something.
Maybe I should just do an English A level? But my O level English put me off with being forced to read stuff I didn't enjoy. I hated 'The Merchant Of Venice' with passion though I'd have enjoyed 'Midsummer Nights Dream' or 'Romeo and Juliet'. And as for Thomas Hardy and 'Jude the Obscure'... Just don't go there.
I think my most fav book of all time has to be 'Dune' don't be put off by the terrible TV films based on this book. They did not give it any form of justice. I wanted my life to resemble a close mix of 'Dune' meets 'Pride and Prejudice'.
Can you imagine what an epic that would have been? Properly Spiced.

never call me HW

"And all of the boys she had waiting in line
Ah such are the dreams of the everyday housewife
You see everywhere anytime of the day
And everyday housewife who gave up the good time for me"

Glen Campbell 1968

Crikey I'm turning into a housewife. God Knows whose wife I am though, what does house-wife mean? Wife to the house or just a woman whose married and husband goes to work?
I was never a housewife. I always worked. Right from age 15 I've worked. After I had Abby I worked full time for a year. It was the hardest year ever. See, I worked and I did everything else as well.
Makes me laugh to hear about him now. Apparently he's a model partner. DIY all the time. Helps out. Is a fully participating Step Father. Coaches Junior Rugby.
Isn't that sad that he couldn't do any of that for me and OUR kids?
What should I think? That we weren't good enough? Special enough?
Apparently my senior managers have decided that a year is too long for me to wait for counselling and are trying to organise me 12 weeks of counselling with the woman I had once before.
TBH Last time I was far too psycho to gain much from counselling. But I have ISSUES that I have to talk about. OK blogger I can tell you stuff but you don't have the human face that I need. The hand to wipe my tears. The heart to empathise. The head to tell me it will all get better soon and I'm going to be ok.
I have never mourned the marriage. Never shed a tear for it. And sometimes I fear it will come to bite me. I was just so glad he went. The day he beat me up in the kitchen in front of the kids. The day he ripped the phone from the socket so I couldn't call for help. The day that put Abby into counselling.
The day that means that now I can't ever see me really having a true trusting and happy relationship again.
We were married for 11 years and I didn't see it coming?
What of I made a bad choice again?
I'm not sleeping well. Can't relax. Sign of a upward time. I was going back to bed when the kids went to school. But instead I blitzed the downstairs. It smells of Lime Polish and bleach now.
The CD player has started to work again. Seems when I was down everything was wrong. I was probably putting the cd's in upside down or something stupid. I am 73% stupid after all ;)

Check them out.

The Editors Munich
"People are fragile things, you should know by now
Be careful what you put them through
People are fragile things, you should know by now
You'll speak when you're spoken to"




Orson No Tomorrow
"Just look at me, Silly Me
I'm as happy as can be-
I got a girl who thinks I rock.
And tomorrow there's no school,
So lets go drink some more Red Bull,
And not get home 'till about 6:00".

The Feeling Sewn
"Cos you got my heart in a headlock
You stopped the blood and made my head soft
And god knows
You got me sewn"




Aqualung Brighter than Sunshine
"What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It's brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall,
I don't care I'm yours
and suddenly you're mine
Suddenly you're mine"


The Subways Rock and Roll Queen
"You are the sun
You are the only one
You are so cool
It's all so rock and roll"


My latest iPod additions. I'm keeping iTunes afloat.
They are so slow at adding new stuff though.
Anyone use anything else that's good?