More Azhar

Abby's in love with the J.lo perfume from Azhar. She wants me to give her it. I feel a bit odd about taking the gifts myself let alone giving them to her.
I have to admit that the perfume has grown on me. I've only had perfume bought for me once before. It's so feminine and frivolous. Still, not right though
He emailed me

"Trinity, please dont think otherwise of me for giving you a gift. I have no second thoughts when i decide to buy it off with you on my mind. Right from the very first day you wrote to me, that's when i realized that you are some one whom i can talk to, at all times and be very good friends. You have always come back on my screen and spoken to me even just with a few words. That's very majestic and noble of you. You are someone very special and you will always be for me. You are a wonderful person Trinity. Cannot help caring for you. Enjoy all those attention and admiration that comes your way right".

Does he seem so bad?
Doesn't he just seem lonely and needy?
I feel bad for taking the gifts and bad about thinking he's creepy.
Oh drat.

Copey

I'm not feeling very good tonight. It suddenly hit me like a ton of Bricks and down I went like Jack and the hill.
Work has been very busy and very stressful. I coped each day, but each night I came home feeling unhappy and too stressed about everything. But FFS this is what I do. I've done it for years and there's this bit of me that says 'shut up your pathetic cow and just get on with it'
We've been desperately short of beds, spending the whole time haggling beds, and spaces, and nurses. Plus the Doctors (who are also all stressed and stretched) just seem to be working against us not with us. One of them was seeing a patient today and needed some privacy, so she locked the office door for about 20 minutes, ok I can see why, but this meant we were unable to get access to blood bottles or equipment and the work piled up. Then she bitched for hours after about people (prob me) who'd tried the door when it was locked and interrupted her very important work. Fecking megalomaniac.
Also, when I asked them to come they don't... One child waited 2 and a half hours today to be sorted out.
I finally got someone To see her, they walked in picked up her notes and I breathed a sigh of relief... YES at last they were going to be seen. Then they walked off without telling me where they were going for another 20 minutes. FFS it was the sodding doctors that told her to come at that time and that day. It's not fair.
But although everyone else is stressed too, I seem to take it harder and that makes me feel like a failure.
Today, I finally got Abby's passport done and posted, made dinner... Only pasta but they like pasta. Abby put away the washing up from last night and she asked Danz to wash the dishes.
I could hear this huffing and puffing from the kitchen and Danz was washing up with a scowl on her face.
"Are you in a piss" I asked and she shrugged her shoulders and scowled more, and I lost it. The final straw in a crap day. That those fecking kids that I work so hard for, spend so much money on won't gracefully wash a few dishes?
Well ok, I know Danz does help a lot round the house. But rationality wasn't my best attribute and I lost my rag. I pushed her out of the kitchen sent them both to their rooms and washed the dishes myself. Then cried for 1/2 hour because the world is an unfair bastard (always the dramatist)
Then, there's the other thing. I have weekends off. It's my sanctuary. I have a routine.I lie in bed most of it ;0
I get my head right and I chill.
This week one of us had to work Sunday. They asked the rest, they all said No.
So they ask me. Now I'm not meant to swap areas, as my doctors want to avoid unnecessary stress on me. But I felt an idiot saying that. I felt a failure. I wanted to help... So I said I would.
So that's this Sunday.... But THEN they asked me to work on a different ward next Friday as well.
She asked me in front of everyone else. I couldn't say no. I couldn't fail. I felt pathetic and stupid.
"No I can't work there in case I get stressed" sounds pathetic doesn't it?
I laid in the bath just now and wanted it all to end, just go away. I need a bit of peace tonight and my crutch is gone. I used to go take my anti-depressants early and go to bed. No such pills anymore. The lamotrigine doesn't buzz me like the Effexor used to.
So my sweet little blogger, I'm telling you all of this, maybe I'll feel calmer now I got it out of my system. Don't think badly of me will you?

Posh-Wipes --

-Posh-Wipes -
On todays Holy Moly Newsletter... wow.
I think I'd prefer a Becks one myself.

fear and sadness

God I miss my Nan. It was her birthday yesterday. I thought about her during the day. I thought about gestures I could make, like putting flowers up at the Crem. But she can't see them, and that wouldn't make me feel better...Sadly. But last night when in bed all quiet, I did sob myself to sleep. I miss her sooo much.
My ex phoned last night. He phoned to warn us against shopping in Cribbs Causeway on Saturday. Prat.
I've been told this several times over the last month. Some Urban Myth that on Saturday it will be bombed.
Abby came home from school a month ago and told me, then I heard it from the girls in work and the parents of patients.
It's spread across the city like wildfire.
Stupid.I think it's a prank that's spread because of the current climate for fear caused by the war and recent terror activities. Or maybe it is a terrorist type of thing. Terrorism is all about fear and if this is the case... We're letting them win because people are genuinely afraid of shopping at Cribbs on Saturday... You know. I may just make the effort to drive out there to make a point (but I hate it there, stupid place)

oh no

Yet more gifts from Azhar. I don't know which to be more nervous of... the Exorcist DVD or Jamie Oliver?
But those perfumes are damned expensive. Jennifer Lopez 'Live' and Dior 'Poison' and a card that just says to Trinity....love Azhar. Hand written.
Getting more personal. Perfume, cards? I was very well jittery about this today.

Keeping Mum

Keeping Mum (2005)
I went to see 'Keeping Mum' last night at the cinema. I'd seen the trailers and TBH thought it looked hilarious.
Well, to be fair to the film. I did enjoy it. But I kept waiting for something major to happen. A purpose to the film. Something really laugh out loud funny. But it never came.
It was beautifully made, excellent scenery and the acting brilliant. But I think it was the material they had to work with that fell down.
Rowan Atkinson playing the bubbling idiotic Vicar /yawn .......old, old old. And he wasn't even funny. Just gentle and bumbling and ineffective. We don't find that in the least amusing any more.
Patrick Swayze as the American slime ball, all orange tanned and spangly posing pants, just was not interesting. It was unfeasible that Kristin Scott Thomas would find him attractive at all.
Quaint, gentle, English, leisurely with a predictable and all so happy ending.
I think me Mother would love it.

Harry Potter Lego

Harry Potter
There's something slightly hilarious about your favourite characters in a book being portrayed by Lego.
We were walking round Woolworths Saturday and Abby excitedly called me over to look at the Harry Potter Lego. It was Harry she was laughing at. Harry all square and a very yellow ace. Personally I diagnose liver failure. And those hips? tsk.

Tuesday with balls.

We took the Rainbows Guides 10 pin Bowling tonight for a Christmas Treat. It was hectic, beyond belief. 14 rather excited 5 year olds throwing balls around and giggling.
The real problem came though when we got their shoes back. The bowling alley staff had just chucked them all in a huge pile and we had to match child to shoe. It was worse than the bloody Guardian sudoko puzzle.
On the way home, I was sat there quietly driving thinking about tomorrow when Abby suddenly pipes up. "Top gear was good last night"
WTF? Top Gear? Since when has Miss drama teen 2005 watched Top Gear?
"They had to buy cars for about 10 grand and see if they could drive them from Bristol to Slough" she informs me.
"The red one didn't get far and the black one blew up and the green one............." Ah her description of cars matches mine I see.
"Abby" I said "10 grand is a lot of money (you sure it wasn't £10)... I'm damned sure I'd want a 10 grand car to get me further than bloody Slough"
Anyways... Whatever it was... It was 'good'
We drove through Trimming Alley. A renown road in our area that decorates very early and very OTT for Christmas. Light Pollution Road.
One house must have every outdoor set of lights on the market. It's hideous.
Abby told me that one night last year their illustrious father collected them both to take them out. They thought he was going to actually do something fun with them, like Christmas shopping.
No, instead he drove them around the streets of Bristol looking at these garishly decorated houses.
What's worse than having a house so thick with lights you can't see the brickwork?
Yep, doing a tour of the local streets to see these monstrosities.
Yes, Pratdad strikes again.

trin gets all philosophical

I've been shopping in Knowle. Broadwalk is the most local semi shopping mall to me. It's got few decent shops there. A thriving 99p store and a new Wilkinson's. But bloody hell, it's Chav. The clientele who shop there are rough as 'ouses mate.
They do have a Gregg's which is a bonus, except it's off putting to be stood in front of someone whose personal hygiene needs attention.
It's ok though, maybe I should feel at home amongst my fellow council estate dwellers?
I seemed to follow around a couple of middle aged women with a small girl child in a pram.
She was in a pushchair kicking her legs and chatting to herself. In Gregg's I noticed her babbling and calling everyone who walked past 'Mummy'.
I had a conversation in work with one of the senior Doctors last week. He's German, and at the time I thought they must have different views to us on Child rearing.
He was lamenting the use of forward facing pushchairs.
He said that the child up to the age of three should be facing it's mother. Having eye contact and focusing solely on it's parent. This way the child grows to feel secure.The child listens to it's mothers voice. Listens to her chat and interact with society.
There used to be backward facing pushchairs, but I never see any one using them these days.
It made me think. What does the child make of all the things whizzing past it as it goes out walking. It can't see it's mum or hear her, it hears traffic and strangers and noise.
We always think that these experiences are rich and help the child develop. But I wonder.
I wonder if those kids who need to sleep with mummy at night, who wake up wanting contact, who misbehave and demand attention don't actually get enough time to focus solely on the Mother?
Interesting. I shall think about this again as I watch that dreadful House Of Tiny Terrors.

Joop

Joop Jump You have no idea what 'Leap Out Of Your Suit' does for me.
Ultimate Heaven
(I have a passion for Afterhave...)

more tree

I'm not sure the tree's going to last until Christmas. Trouble is, she thinks it's hers. Everything is hers. I think that's her problem with the other cats. If I feed them, she's aghast... Surely the food is hers? After all this is Baileys house? Stupid humans.

My tree. Note we ditched the angel in favour of some pink fluffy extravaganza. I reckon it's the universe. The sun surrounded by the fluffy planets. This is what Sci-fi should be made of.
Bailey hates this red angel. She spends all day trying to reach it. It offends her Christian cat soul.

I got a present

Isn't it pretty? Do I deserve presents? I do love it though. I even love the box.

more choc

When I got teach his Chocolate tool box I also got some diabetic chocolate for those sweet diabetic men in my life.
I know this might ruin the surprise (all 40p of it) but who the feck calls a bar of diabetic chocolate a Woodie?
Hmmm maybe it has some aphrodisiac properties?

goodbye DIY

It was the last DIY for cretins last night. Only a mere handful were there right until the bitter end. Teach liked his Chocolate tool set. He did a lot of talking and some people brought wine.
I thought back to the lesson's we've had... I'm not sure what I've gained from the course. Ok it got me out of the house but I'm one of those people who need to actually DO stuff to learn. It's no good 'talking' about it. I need to do it.
I wanted to get to grips with Mr Yellow more. I wanted to be able to touch him without fear of electrocuting myself or drilling into some forbidden material. I wanted to 'know' Mr yellow inside out. To be able to pick him up and make him do anything I wanted. I wanted complete control of his little black buttons.
Alas, all I really learnt was how to push grout into holes with my fingers and how not to start at two ends of a wall with tiles and find they don't meet in the middle.
It was a start I guess. In a few weeks I have 10 weeks with Ken. Ken is going to turn me into an electrician. My aim for this course is DIY electric shock therapy. I will be sane.

damned

I'm worried. I feel distinctly lack lustre today. Nothing tastes or smells or looks right.
I feel quite down.
'Here we go' I hear you all say. Self pitying miserable bitch syndrome hits again.
Dunno, I am so aware that I have loads of stuff to be thankful for and to be happy about. I know there's people out there who'd love to be in a nice warm house, with a decent job and two good kids.
But my head is all black and grey. I'm irritable and miserable and snappy. There is no joy, just trudging though life until it's inevitable end.
So lets get the nurse out to evaluate why I feel this way.
I haven't been well, Christmas fills me with dread and pressure. I'm not sure I've been taking my tablets... Those I didn't puke last week. My hormones are completely shot. Plus I'm tired. I got a lot of sleep to catch up with.
I also feel quite alone this week.
There is no-one to tell. There is nothing to tell. My voice won't voice the words anyways.
I read the Sunday Telegraph supplement in work today. An Article about the London Bombings and a survivor who had both legs ripped off in the blast. Someone who went through something so traumatic and life changing and horrific. I was humbled and ashamed at my feelings towards life. What have I got to be so miserable about?
And I cried a little, sat alone in the coffee room.
Not for me though... I promise not for me. I cried for him. That good man who lost so much that day.
I am a miserable cow. I hate myself and all who sail in her.

happier

Did I sleep last night? Crikey I slept from 1 am until 7 and then all morning until 1 pm in the afternoon.
We were bored last night, so I went and got one of the DVD's I bought Abby for Christmas and we sat and watched it. The Skeleton Key. An atmospheric film set in New Orleans incorporating Voodoo and superstition.
There were several jumpy moments and Abby was scared to bits.
But what a crap ending. I had this taste of 'Tales Of The Unexpected'. One of those silly endings that leave you thinking... What a bunch of old rubbish.
Anyways, today I've felt like my heads wrapped in cotton wool. Woolly head, can't even think straight.
Danielle is back from her turkey and tinsel weekend.
Covered in mud and tired. How do they get so dirty on these camp things?
And why didn't we have scouts on camps when I was a girl?
It was all girl gudes are pure and innocent crap. None of this play with the boys stuff. Damn, I missed out big time.

lyrical crapness

I was driving home from work Friday listening to local radio. I only have it on for the traffic news as I hate the music and adverts.
Anyways they played a selection of songs with the most dreadfully depressing or stupid lyrics.
What's happened to the art of songwriting? Where are the great lyrics that make life worth living?
Two songs particularly grated on me.
First Westlife.
You know my feelings on those talentless slugs who call themselves Westlife. Men in white suits with stools.
Well I listened to their number one single "You raise me up"

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.
(doesn't this verse make them sound like the biggest bunch of elderly codgers going? My soul so weary? FFS. My heart Burdened? burderned with how to spend all the dosh they earn?)

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
(yep so I can push every one of them off)
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
(Now they think they are Jesus... Why would anyone want to walk on a stormy sea? Hopefully it would be a hurricane)
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
(right, so now kinky westlife stand on their women... Or men /cough)
You raise me up...
To more than I can be.
(how much more than being in a boy band is there exactly?)

And then there's the illustrious American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson's Lyrics to "Because of you"

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

Anyone think Miss Clarkson is being a little harsh? Because of him she finds it hard to trust not everyone else in the world but even herself? Loony alert!!
She doesn't stray off the sidewalk?
I think he did her a favour, least she wont get mugged or run over staying there.
What the heck did he do to her?

They don't write them like they used to?
(Jeez I'm officially getting old once my Varifocals come I may as well book for tickets to a Daniel O'Donnell concert)

One minute sound asleep and angelic

Next a little bastard climbing the new tree and ripping the foil off the chocolates and running off with the baubles.

Our tree

When I first met my ex husband and we moved in together we had the same Christmas tree, year after year. He liked that tree. I was indifferent, but it was the tree him and his first wife had bought together... hmmm well I was living in the same house. Why be silly about the tree?
Anyways as the family split we left that tree behind. It was his and besides it was old now.
Sad though, I have memories of Abby crawling under that tree and trying to eat it.
We've lived in 4 houses since then and every house had a new tree. Maybe that was a luxury I could ill afford. Oh well, we tried small trees, fibre optic ones. Ready dressed ones. Last year was quite an expensive white fibre optic one that I hated. It wasn't green and festivey.
So today we went and bought YET another one. It wasn't expensive and came in hundreds of pieces to be put together... But I love it. I have a good feeling about it. It's bigger than we usually have and it fills the room slightly. But it's warm and pretty and makes me feel warm and festive.
It's jam packed with lights and decorations from trees past, including the kids first Christmases. I think we'll keep this one.

Saturday

Had no sleep again last night. Life as Trin? No sleep no cope full stop. At 8am the alarm went off. Danielle was going to guide and scout camp today on her Turkey and Tinsel weekend (or turtsey and tinkle as I keep saying.. )
Funny how when you have to get up then you can fall asleep?
Anyways she set off and we had to get organised to hit the opticians by 10am.
Aren't Opticians a bunch of uptight dullards?
Humour is sadly lacking in the life of a spec savers optician worker.
Me and Abby had our eyes tested.. Separately... Which pissed me off no end because I wanted to be with her to hear what he said about her eyes. She never wears her glasses and her vision is basically crap.
Anyways, my near vision is much worse and I needed to have those Varifocal things. FFS that made me feel bloody old.
I reluctantly went to chose some new frames.I spotted some lush small ones... But because of the varifocal lenses I wasn't allowed to have them.
The sales woman was called Lorraine. What kind of weirdo name is Lorraine and why do they refer to themselves as Lorr?
She was a right bossy bitch, ordering me to sit up, sit back, Abby hated her immediately. Then the trouble with the bill started.
She quoted me £140 but when it went through the till the amount was £180. Time and time again she put it in and it spewed out different amounts.
But apparently they had to sell them to me at the price quoted which caused most consternation and haggling and Lorr got pissy and said she was fed up and threw her pen around a bit and told everyone who was listening that she was fed up with this job and might just go home.
Then she totalled the till again and the till said £115. At this point she said "Stuff it", and took my debit card and charged it 115 quid. Oh well, I was the beneficiary.
The glasses won't be ready for another fortnight though, my glasses are so damned scratched, I'd hoped it would be sooner.
On the way home we stopped at my local Boots the Chemists for a little argument with the stupid bitch who works there on a Saturday.
I've run out of tablets and had put a prescription into the doctors via Boots. I'm a regular customer and if I've run out of pills before they usually sub me one or two and take it out of the lot I get when the script is filled.
Well today was different. The pharmacist was this anal old cow who made me BUY the tablets. She said it was ILLEGAL to sub me drugs... Even if they knew there was a prescription coming . They are available over the counter so I said I'd buy a packet. They were on a special 'buy one get one half price this week'... But she said she could only sell me one packet because after a weeks use I needed to see my doctor to explore why I needed them.
I stood there with my mouth open.
"Are you taking the piss?" I said rudely "For a start you know I take them on prescription... You have the info there and also they're on a buy one get one half price offer.... Why do that if you can only buy one pack? Give me two packs before I go mad"
They sold me two packs and I left.
Bloody fringe healthcare workers, opticians and pharmacists. Up their own asses so far they've lost touch with reality.

Christmas is coming. Baileys getting fat.
her bum got stuck in the flap thing
Bloody stupid cat.

Still crap

I'm totally fed up now. Last night I got no sleep at all, everytime I tried I coughed and spluttered. Thankfully I sleep alone otherwise I'm sure they would have left me by now.
In a better mood today though. I think the cats are pissy with me, the two older ones have been outright nasty. Attacking me if I got to pet them. Bastards... Don't they know who buys the food?
Bailey has ripped a huge piece of hallway wallpaper off. I'm furious with her. Especially seeing we never did touch on wallpapering at DIY for cretins.
It's the last one next Monday. I got Teach a Chocolate tool set as a gift. Aren't I kind?

Still feel a bit guilty about being so unfriendly to Danielle's teacher last night. I know I don't feel well but it's not like me to be so gruff with people. Mind you, I guess she never gave much back to me either, whereas Abby's teacher didn't shut up chatting... She's mad. Danielle has got 110 Eagles now and Abby got 42 gold slips... Or yellow slips as Daniel puts it. Dan has only got about 20 apparently... And that might have something to do with the fact that he CHARGES the teachers to help them put up displays and file stuff. All in the name of St Lucia but tsk tsk Daniel.

latex bride

Shamelessly stolen from Erosblog because I like it.... A condom wedding dress. Tell me though? For what ever purpose would anyone get married unless they wanted the 'conventional' family unit and have kids?
Bloody marriage, bunch of clap trap.
I like Erosblog.
It's not just a bunch of stupid porn. It's a magazine full of little stories and fun stuff and real people.

my local councillors

Crikey... would you let these people into your homes?

skool

Grumpy bitch today or what?
I went to work... yay. Back to normality. Tired though, everytime I laid down last night I started to cough. The more I coughed the crosser I got and the crosser I got the more I sodding well coughed.
This evening was a sort of parents evening.
First we saw Danielle's teacher. Her scores (I have no idea what they meant) were good. Exceptional in some places (including PE.. wow) but her teacher had to write a report on areas of improvement. So she asks her what she thinks she could work harder on.
Danielle said, she worked hard on everything. Yes, if she didn't understand she always asked, yes she always did her homework to her best ability.
There was an awkward silence.
She had a very ok score for IT. So her teacher said maybe she could use the internet more and gain more pc skills, at which point I got on my high horse and told her that Danielle had her own website, that she knew basic HTML. That she regulary used powerpoint, word and other applications. Basically she needs more TEACHING. Lets turn the tables and say how the sdding teachers can improve.
After we left, I felt bad. It was the first time I'd met that teacher and I was such a cow really. I've been in a bad mood all night. It's passing now. Poor woman, bet she'd rather she was home in the warm with her husband watching neighbours than talking to stupid parents.
Abby's teacher is slightly odd. Nice but odd. A science teacher, who is an ex forensic scientist assigned to the cops. She told me she'd seen lots of gory stuff. Great.
I started my usual moan about the lack of maths tutoring... and she did her usual fob me off with crap crap, chatter chatter... I'll see what I can do... crap.
Change the subject.... Abby has had unauthorised absences.... truancy?
I think not. I said. More like your crap system failing. Ah yes, quite right Ms Trinity.
Then we filled out an ofsted form.
One question.
"Do I think the school is welled?"
well, hmmmm difficult one that. Welled? As in water wells?
I ticked the middle box...