yes siree

now where's that football match gone?

This made me laugh.

because I wanna

"Coming out of my cage
And I been doing Just fine"

The Killers

A friend told me last night that I portray my life as being very much half-empty rather than half-full. Trouble is I don't want half of anything. I want it all empty so I can wallow in self destruction or all full so I can joyously rejoice! (and dance naked at Stonehenge)
I jest. I don't know. I took offence to his well meant words. This past month stuff has conspired to knock me off my perch (next thing I'll get bird flu)
Every day something happens that stops me being cheerful. OK I get down but then at some point during the day it lifts and I'm happier.
I AM BETTER WORLD.
I can listen to music again and get such enjoyment and lift from it. I'm reading a book. Yes a whole book, kinda spoilt it by reading the ending. But hanging in there.
Maybe that's my problem. I want to know how it'll all turn out in the end. I want to know if it's worth all this bother? I have to know the endings of films because if they end in a bad way I won't bother.
My life is a bit empty ATM. I had someone to take me out and feel good. I had a reason to wear nice clothes and someone to talk to... Face to face talk to. And they're gone.......
But wait Trin? You said you didn't need anyone like that. You said you were ok on your own. You said you didn't need a man to validate yourself.
TOO FUCKING RIGHT I DON'T.
I wouldn't want a smelly, stroppy demanding member of the male species living here. Done that wore the tee-shirt and had to wash his pants afterwards. (Mind there are certain men that if they turned up here with a suitcase would be invited in and locked up in the cellar for all eternity... ;) umm and I'd wash their pants shhhh
So on to today's knock back... yessss par for the course, there always is one.
It's the Goldie Looking Chain gig tonight.
I'm going with Abby...
WRONG.
Danz has a tummy bug. I won't be going. She needs me. I'm not sending her elsewhere like to my mothers. When you're ill you need your own bed.
My friend says he doesn't let little things like that get him down. He bounces straight back up.
Ok then call me rubber ball.
I'm bouncing up and thinking about how enjoyable it will be to listen to the CD instead... Wait. Casualty is on tonight. I never miss a chance to further my nursing career educationally.
It really don't matter, despite my obvious sarcasm. She matters more. There will be other gigs. I prefer The Anson Rooms for gigs anyways. Much more chilled.
I am sorry though, this month has been a bit shit. Maybe if so many complex things hadn't been happening I'd have dealt with them better.
Anyone reading this (hello is there anyone out there?) must roll their eyes and say here she goes again. The miserable bitch with the half empty life and very cool CD collection (had to get that in Mr Grumblemag)

"Bounce if you wanna bounce, ball if you wanna ball
Play if you wanna play, floss if you wanna floss
It's Alright, you heard?, It's Alright, Holla back
Get ill if you wanna ill, smoke if you wanna smoke
Kill if you wanna kill, loc if you wanna loc
It's Alright, you heard? It's Alright, yeah yeah"

Jay z


(God help us she's quoting Jay z)

I'm off to floss. Because I 'wanna'.
Healthy gums are quintessential
(what does that mean anyways?)

lets play on the swings

Ok, I'm sorry. I wallowed in the mud for the afternoon then suddenly it lifted like a fog from my head.
It's gone now.
I am weird you know.
Kisses

fried friday

"In the beginning when we were winning
When our smiles were genuine
In the beginning when we were winning
When our smiles were genuine

Now unforgiving, the everlasting
Everlasting"

Manic Street Preachers Everlasting

I've just wasted three hours in The Citizens Advice bureau.
I got there at 10.10. There were three others waiting. Apparently it was quiet this morning.
I got called in at 12.15. A nice girl called Vicky. Aged 20 or 21. Young. She asked me my concern. I got out my paperwork and told her all about the Housing Benefits office and my council tax problem.
She wrote it all down and went to seek advice from a senior colleague.
She came back with a Breakdown of Earnings form. She said if I filled it out they would tell the council how much I could pay back of the monies I supposedly owe.
As for the fact the council STILL haven't written and informed me that I owe this money? She said she felt the letter had probably got lost in the post.
She did try to ring the council tax office but there were 8 people in the phone queue in front of her and then the message on the phone said the systems were down and would be for the rest of the afternoon.
After an hour She asked if she'd been any help. I nodded but inside this person said 'No actually this has been a waste of time'.
She advised me to ring the council tax place myself Monday. Why? I've already done that once and it got me nowhere except rather upset.

I got out. The car park cost me 3 quid. I went home. The traffic was dire. Lunchtime and the traffic is as bad as rush hour. Guess it's Friday.
I was stuck in a jam for ages. I was dying for a pee and had tummy ache. When I get frantic I have a touch of IBS. But haven't had it for ever. I MUST be stressed.
A big white van drove through the jam and plonked himself by the side of me and tried to nudge in. I ended up having to let him in otherwise he was going to cause an accident.
You know that film? The one with Michael Douglas where he goes around shooting people who annoy him?
I wish I HAD a gun.

Bad things happen to me for a reason. I deserve them.

NME Awards

NME my fav read.
The awards tonight. I thought The Brits was well dull. Well I enjoyed Prince (amazing man) and Gorrillaz. But the show was dull, the lighting was crap. Far too light, no atmosphere. Too office like and as for Chris Evans... What a f...ing prick. Funny? Huh.
So onto the NME's.
Already totally low key. Nice set. Like the tardis.
Razorlight kicked off. I like Johnny Borrell, he's hot as fuck. But the track was a bit dull. His voice carried it for me though.
Arctic Monkeys predictably won New Band. They're funny. So Northern and very gritty. Good Album... I DO have the best cd collection Mr Grumblemag Sir.
Then The Strokes Won Best International Band. Juicebox is my fav Track a la moment. I saw them play at Reading. I truly Love Julian Casablancas. In fact I had a bit of an obsession going a few years back. Best Male Appears to be Kanye West. He's a weird guy. I don't like that music at all. I guess If I was pissed up on Vodka Shots I might dance to his music? Maybe.
Ok The Long Blondes have won some award with a long name. Berets are in.
Best live band are...........Franz Ferdinand. They didn't turn up so Peter Hook gave the award to The Kaiser Chiefs. Ummm really, he gave it to them because FF didn't turn up.
Ooooh KC want to give the award to The Cribs. You don't get this much fun at the Brits.
Ok now we have Dirty pretty Things. Carl Barat's new band. Best thing he did was ditch the Libs. They were ok. Sort of.
Russell Brand is getting on my bloody nerves.
Oh Dear Live 8 won the best DVD, Sir Bob took the award. He called Russell a Cunt and Russell didn't like it. Well he shouldn't be such a cunt them should he?
Some dull awards. Harry Potter won best film. Jarvis collected the award and made some Coldplay joke.
Gorrillaz won an award. For their live shows. Clever Cartoon 3 d live shows. Wish I'd seen them.
Shaun Ryder took the award

"Channel 4's programme regulations forbid Ryder from ever appearing on a live Channel 4 programme regardless of what time of day it is. This stems from two appearances on pre-watershed show TFI Friday in 1995 where he repeatedly used the word "fuck".

Well he was on E4
Now we have The Sugababes doing 'Bet you look good on the Dance floor' Christ they look nervous. The new girl out for the first time. Kinda brave in front of these Real Rock stars AND the Arctic Monkeys. They sound 'girlie'
Backing band are a bit crap though.
Arctic Monkeys won the award for best song for that song. He said thanks to the Sugababes... but "wrong key" though.
YAY It's Preston. I love Preston. Presenting Best Album. And the Winner is...... KAISER CHIEFS. Employment is a brill album. Still not got over not getting a signed one from Bloody Amazon though. Gits.
Ok. I'm bored of writing now. Not as if I'm any sodding good at it anyways.
I'm off to watch Pete Doherty do a turn... yeah.
Nite xxx

I knew it.

Yessss we have had 4 phone calls so far from the irate man.
He's going on and on and on and on..........
Now both girls are upset and Abby is shouting.
My nerves are jangly.

*we had 6 phone calls in total then Abby got worried that I was anxious and called him and apologised. Not sure what for? Shouting at him?
His girlfriend answered the phone to her, she said her father was FAR too upset to answer the phone to her. Hmph.
Anyways It's resolved now. He's left us alone.
Guess he won again.

Diary entry 9th of May '62 We've had some ugly babies but none were quite like you

Well.... Still no letter from the Housing Benefits office today. TBH I'm just gobsmacked by them. How can any place that's meant to be government run be so totally useless?
I called Danz's school. I spoke to an answer machine. They didn't answer the phone. I told them Danz wasn't at school because she was very upset at the trouble yesterday. That she'd been pushed against a wall and threatened and called some very bad names. I asked that someone call be back as soon as possible to discuss this matter further and left my phone number.
Guess what?
No-one called.
Am I surprised? Sadly No.

Now we have ex husband trouble. Danz called him Monday and asked if she could stay Saturday night. He said he'd have to see.
So she arranged something else. He calls tonight to ask when to pick her up... Then proceeds to make a huge fuss when I say she's not coming now.
Why couldn't he have just said yes.. He hasn't seen her for months.
FFS
Then Abby asked him last week to borrow a lead for the DVD (no idea what she means)
He called tonight to say he's not prepared to lend her anything because she simply doesn't give stuff back.
She went mad. She asked if he meant she was stealing stuff.. She wasn't a thief. Ok a bit OTT but teens are like that.
He said she had DVD's of his she hadn't returned, so she said "Yeah right? So tell me when exactly I've seen you to give them back. You NEVER see us. You haven't been here for ages"
And put the phone down.
Now I feel anxious that he'll start now. He's best left alone. Once he gets rattled he gets all stupid and turns up here threatening us and shouting. I can't stand anymore shouting this week.
I'm going to explode soon. A huge bit mountain of anxiety, bad karma, insecurities and worry.
Imagine the mess when that lot blows.

"If my lips start smiling and my knees start a-knocking
I'm a failure
You are, you are
And if I seem half-hearted, it's because I'm broken hearted
And I'm a failure"

Beautiful South

got a baddy?

We have some pretty snazzy plasters in work. Some bright yellow ones with 'Zapped by an Alien' on them.
Some awful orange ones with burgers and hotdogs on them.
Plus some fluorescent pink and purple ones.
But none like these.
Thank God.

Hoff 'dares' for more

Hoff Happy
It would appear that in Australia the way to sell that sickly sweet dire drink Pepsi Cola is to have The Hoff pee all over a metal bottle cap.
Rather disturbing if you ask me.
The linked page has masses of Hoffy goodness interspersed with Pepsi cola bubbles. Classic.
:-/

hello thursday

"Take a lesson from the ones who have been there
my brain is not damaged but in need of some repair
hold on to the basics but we can't change all our tactics
don't just sit there going crazy on your own
it's the only way, of getting out of here
it's the only way, of getting out of here"

Kaiser Chiefs 2005


Is it ok to be STILL in nightwear at 12.30 on a week day?
It's kind of ok living here. A lot of people do it. You see them out on their doorsteps in pyjamas. I saw someone walking to the corner shop the other day in her dressing gown and slippers.
I can't focus yet. I will later. I promise. It's just I woke up and a trillion zillions anxieties hit me and I keeled over and lay there and let them cover me.
Then I got scared and got up and paced. It's funny to watch me pace. One end of the kitchen to the other and not getting anywhere. I wish I'd seen the psychiatrist this month instead of telling him I was fine. But TBH he's not the answer. I need some counselling.
There are a couple of people in my life who I truly feel support me. But they aren't a bottomless resource and they have lives of their own. Lives that I'm not part of and never will be.
I love these people and appreciate every word they say or write me. But it's not real. They aren't real. They're in my head. Locked in. Probably trying desperately to escape.... lol yeah I have them handcuffed naked to the wall and I'm the Dominatrix. But that's another story.
I don't feel strong enough to face stuff. Yet my head people tell me I am strong enough and CAN do it.
Words.

"this is the modern way
faking it every day
taking 'em as they come
we're not the only ones"
is that what we used to say?
that this is the modern way?"

absolutely vile

channel 4 Addiction site

Now, I'm a nurse and I see stuff like blood, vomit and diarrhoea every day. Doesn't affect me. It is part of my working day... BUT I'm sat here with my Crumpet and orange juice and just after Frasier, is that truly awful "Going Cold Turkey" reality TV show on Channel 4. The patients have been drug free for three days. After 10 years of Heroin and Methadone use.
Today they started a new drug. It made the male patient sleepy. He fell asleep during a meal but the two women were awful. One had terrible pain and the other one Vomited copious amounts. Two huge sick bowls full of green vomit.
Yes, this is 09.30 am on a Thursday morning and Channel 4 is showing a poor woman puking her guts up on Morning national TV.
It's wrong. Wrong for her, wrong for us, wrong for society.
Ethical? debatable.
I switched off.

What a godly gift

Why not have your family portrait done at the foot of the Cross with Jesus.
A wall essential.
Available at the millennium Mall.
Cripes!

GLC tickets

Does anyone want to buy two Goldie Looking Chain Tickets for The Bristol Academy Saturday coming? (25/2/06) I have 2 spare but I need the money for them.. a bit short you see!
There's a free party after with Maggot as DJ.

Oh my God... someones set the house two doors along alight. Going out to see the Firemen... bye

I'm beginning to hate life

"The corridors of discontent that I've been travelling
On the lonely search for truth, the world's so frightening
Nothing's going right today cos nothing ever does"

Richard Ashcroft.

I'm dipping. I thought about the D word today. I wish it would all end. I'm tired.

I'm a crap mother. My father tells me so.
I went to work at 8.30 am. The kids have a key. Danz had a set but lost them ages ago.
I forgot Abby had Orthodontist.
She went this afternoon....... With the keys.
I didn't get back until 3.30 pm. Danz was outside crying. It was raining, well snowing actually.
She'd rang her grandfather to see if he'd come let her in.
He arrived at the same time I did. He went berserk She stood there watching as he ripped into me about what a stupid crap mother I was... On and on.
He left.
I'm never going to his house again.
She was silent and went to her room and cried.
I sat there contemplating D. Then I called her. She sobbed.
She's been bullied today. A girl shoved her into a wall and called her a "Stupid Whore Bitch"
A group of girls she's had issues with. Nasty mouthy ones with no compassion.
She said Lauren and Natalie were really nice to her and helped her.
Thanks Girls. I appreciate your kindness.
I'm not sending her to school tomorrow. I want it sorted. I'm not sending her to have that happen to her.
See? I am an ok Mum... Honest I am. I do try.
I forget stuff. I work I get shopping, I have rainbows tonight...Thinking Day. I have so much running through my head. I can't cope with it all. It's always me. Never anyone to share the load. Always mememememememeemememmeee.
You know I STILL haven't had a letter from the benefits office. STILL.

TV is destroying my brain

So, the end of a perfect affair means that I'm once again relegated to doing stuff like watching TV and blogging in the evenings.
FFS, I just watched Eastenders and cried at Ian losing his mother (who left the soap about 7 years ago and was also killed in Footballers Wives)
Now it's the dire Holby City on. Actually Holby City has a lot to answer for. I'm pretty sure it was my comment, to a rather jovial parent, that I got most of my nursing skills from that Soap that got me into trouble last month. Not with the parent, who thought I was hilarious, but the stuck up fucking anal bitch I was working with.
Holby City makes me feel relatively normal. Damn if I had a life like that lot, I'd be in Barrow psychiatric hospital.
My back pay came today... Yay... Not. Do the math. I got a £1 and hour pay rise 14 months ago.
I work 22.5 hours a week... So a quid an hour over 22.5 hours a week x 4 x 14 months?
You reckon a lot?
Right BEFORE tax it was £ 300.
After tax? Don't talk to me about it. Nothing seems to go right. Money wise I've been let down so much this past year. I was expecting a fairy decent sized inheritance from my Gran. It was whittled down to practically nothing.
It was less than I'd EVER imagined it would be.
I can't go into it here. It wouldn't be right but I was really hoping that money would help me dig out of this pit and it never materialised.
I won't forget that. I will never forgive.
Never mind. I'll get over it and I'll survive.
My life isn't that awful.
Ooooh looks like some doctors going to be tragically mangled in a lift accident in Holby. Of course that happens every day in the NHS.
This is boring to me. Now maybe if Aliens landed? Ah that's next weeks episode.


BTW anyone caught that "fantastic" reality TV show on 'Cold Turkey' 4 people withdrawing from Heroin.
The studio turned into a hospital ward. We get to watch them puke and shit themselves and writhe around in agony. All on primetime morning TV. Cold Turkey with your tea and morning toast.
Fab.
Have we all gone stark raving fecking crazy? And I'M the mad one?

safe and sound back with her mummy

She's home. This is my St Lucian Abby!

Abby's teachers...down boys!

trouble... again

I'm in big trouble.
My new family tax credit letter came in July, it caused some consternation because it said I owed them 8 grand.. Remember?
Anyways the new one came and I was awarded £ 3.50 a week more than last year. Now I get housing benefit which was reassessed 6 monthly. In November I went to the council office to ask about something and noticed a big sign.
"The housing benefit office no longer does routine assessments. If your circumstances have changed please tell us"
Oh dear, I thought and trotted home and got the relevant forms and submitted them.This was 3rd Nov 2005.
I haven't heard a thing. Until Friday when I went to get a form signed so I could go to the PDSA.
The girl said.. "Do you realise you owe 800 quid in rent?"
Now, remember. I don't do stress well, the cat was ill and I was worried.
The housing benefit had overpaid me 800 quid. I hadn't received a letter from them... Nothing. Then today the council tax writes. I owe them £ 363.46 due to overpayment.
How is this possible? I owe a grand in 4 months?
Well thinking of it logically they have taken 3 1/2 months to process that change of circumstances so its nearly 8 months.
I offered to pay the council tax in installments. Nope, they will take me to court, then I can pay in installments but not now. They were however really lovely, I got upset and she was so sweet, she even called me back after an hour to check I was ok.
She also said that for the past 4 years they've been charging me full council tax not the single persons allowance.. So that may help a little.
Housing benefit office weren't helpful at all. Wouldn't explain anything to me,were brusque and short and advised me to appeal. Which I've done. But I'm not sure on what grounds. But I asked for a recalculation and also complained about the amount of time it's taken to process it all... And I STILL to this minute haven't received a letter from them telling me all of this.
And now I'm all stressed and upset again and haven't got anyone to tell or hug or be there for me.
I'm crap.

welcome home Abby! (and Dan)

I'm so excited.
09:05 - BA2156- ST LUCIA VIA ANTIGUA - EXPECTED 0857 - North Terminal
Won't be long now....

fillers

Maybe I am a little pensive today. Reaching out a little, seeing what happens.
Back to thinking about cats and washing and packed lunches.
Tracking flights.
My legs ache from the swimming. Unfit bitch!
Mindless TV on. God, I cried at the end of 'The Bodyguard' last night... ffs. Then we taped Total Recall and the tape stopped right before the end...
Today we borrowed that particularly awful '40 Year Old Virgin' on DVD.
Well, I'm not sure I've ever seen such a pointlessly unfunny film.
I actually think the guy was far nicer and more fulfilled without the sex.
Can't believe I'm saying that...

bless this mood

Happy Sunday.
Abby called last night. She's sad. She doesn't want to leave St Lucia. She was going to St Lucian church early this morning. Should be an experience!
I feel shattered today, so tired.
The end of a bit of an eventful month. Yet, part of me thinks, all of this is probably just normal for everyone else. It's only me who makes a fuss and I'm just really stupid.
My friend says I've had an awful lot of shit going down around me and it's understandable that I've been a bit stressy. But I think he was just being nice to me. Anyways, I'm trying hard to be Normal this month.
Can't wait for Abby to come home, though I fully expect her to be a real misery. It'll all be over, her big week away.
All good things have to come to an end.
I sure learnt that the hard way this month.
Bless you all.

feed the cats tuppence a bag

After 4 years of cat ownership, I'm STILL not sure how much I'm meant to feed them. The vet said cats are not social eaters and will only ask when they're hungry. This theory worked with Taylor and Kizzy... In fact Kizzy even now is as thin as a matchstick and hardly eats anything.
But Bailey broke the mould. That damn cat asks for food ALL the time. Cries, whines and if you ignore her, goes destroys something... the wood skirtings, the carpet, scratches posters off the wall. Goes behind the TV and pulls the leads out and does the same to the PC and phone lines.
Now she's so fat her tummy drags on the floor when she walks.
So today... there's no nice 'Iams' or 'One' biscuit down, I fed them at 8am and will feed them tea time.
Ummm yeah ok that's the plan but Bailey isn't in full agreement of this action... excuse me whilst I go remove her claws from my paint work.... Grrrr

those cowboys!!

impotence-man#2
Originally uploaded by culturesponge.

"Warning Smoking Causes Impotence"
Well not on Brokeback Mountain it never... no sireeeee
ps Donna found this very funny link first....!

ed & shaun

knitted Shaun of the dead!
This girl is wicked. First Dawn of the dead and now Knitted Shaun of the Dead. Brilliant.

saturday adverts

Crikey, sandwiched in between adverts for Caneston cream and that ridiculous First Active advert;
"You might want to get extra staff in this afternoon".
"Have you been at that window again?"

Behold the most cringe worthy advert, I've seen in a while.
Britney Spears and her new perfume 'Fantasy' has her husband Kev (or it least it looks damn like him) dressed in some Robin Hood kit and hitting her with a lurve arrow whilst she prances round the forest like some wood Nymph.
Truly embarrassing and he doesn't even have a huge felt pouch to look at.
It's not all bad though. I like the Ozzy Osbourne advert for some butter product.
His "I'm not making Fairy cakes... I'm doing ROCK cakes" line made me laugh.
I prefer Ozzy to Britney. Fantasy? Pah!