over and over and over... like a monkey with a miniature cymbal

Thanks to Mrs Woman for her really nice comment the other day. However things don't seem to be getting better and I'm quite worried about my ability to burst into tears at various times during the working day.
I think it's because I've lost the control I had. Before if I wasn't happy, they'd say 'OK. We know you're good and wouldn't take advantage... so it's fine. Don't do what you can't do'. Now they just repeat over and over... 'but this is what you are meant to do'.
Every time I lose control I think I can't cope and I had a few times when I really thought I was going to just walk out and come home.
I just don't want to let my two bosses down who really are trying to support me.
Things are OK here though, Abby was camping the weekend in Southampton.. yep in the rain. Yeuk, can't think of anything worse.
We're off to France on Saturday for a week. Please let it stop raining for a little. The grey skies are not helping my mood at all.
Hope my baby kitten will be OK.... she'll miss me. When we get back we're moving Steve's cats up here permanently. Should be an experience. Anyone got any advice on rehousing 16 year old cats in a house already infested with moggies?
S'il vous plait.
x

kizzy is home!

How bad am I? Life seems so busy ATM. Last week was so stressful and work is vile. I hate it with a passion. But very good news was Kizzy came back. I'd given her up for dead so when she waltzed in whilst I was ironing, I burst into tears. She was so hungry and looked thin. Now she refuses to leave the house. Wonder what happened?
We went to see Marie's lovely new house last night. Very nice. We had the grand tour and Danz stayed the night.... but it was to be a little traumatic. Sam my little DJ fell awkwardly on the trampoline and fractured his elbow. Danz said he was so brave, hardly cried but it was v nasty and he's in hospital tonight with pins and stuff. I felt so upset all day for Marie. Such a nasty shock. We took Hollie to the train station with us. I think she really liked it, behind that counter with all those rough men lol..... OK Marie I did look after her! This week we bought wood flowers on stands with numbers on. If they ordered food and sat outside they had to take a numbered flower.... they really fought over who was having the pink ones....
Wulf's mother has calmed down, she has a 'word' with Steve to say that she is SURE my motive is to control both Steve and Wulf. But apparently she's 'delighted' that we're taking him on holidays. Hmmm, me thinks control is her other middle name.
Work is still very wrong but I've stopped crying before I have to go in now... a step forward. I also sorted out a tiny baby last week that previously would have been dealt with by doctors. Now it's my job.... I'd been worrying I wasn't up to it, but I was fine, confident good, got blood first time, results back normal and a huge confidence boost. If only 99% of the time wasn't so bloody boring.
I am a bad blogger aren't I? Steve always finds time for his 17 sites... yes 17! But as my mate said the other week, he likes me having a busy full life now. Too full to blog all the time.
Get well soon Sam.... we all loves you xxx

weekend end

Well I got the job. Weird really, I knew I'd get it. But I only wanted it because it was the best option out of those available. Really I didn't want to change at all. I've worked a long time in that place and worked hard into building up into something really special. But no point raking over old bitterness. Friday came, my last day and then it was over. No tears or emotion. Just a desire to get the fuck out of there and be done with it. I was tired, but I recognised it was an emotional tiredness.
It hasn't helped a lot that my colleague who got the job with me was having many second thoughts at the massive impact of a job without the support of all the others. TBH I will miss the rest. They've been my friends for decades but I'd been thinking for ages that I really should move on. Was never sure who'd take me with my tainted history... but this has happened... so be it.
But I'm dreading it. The stress of a first day somewhere.... yeuk.
I got to work a long day Monday and Tuesday then I'm off for a week. Can't bloody wait.
Anyways this is Danz, Tom and Shannie cleaning Steve's filthy car. They're all in the schools Bugsy Malone production. Singing car cleaners. BTW They charged us lol

sad

I've been trying to ignore the passing days for weeks now but time is lurching forward to the day when the unit closes. The new ward is set to open April 1st. Last night I shut the kitchen door, put on Plan B (don't ask) and cried my eyes out. I'm so sad. I've been there so long. Seen so many things happen, so may children died, so may saved, happy times... staff babies born. Staff children died. Marriages, divorces, affairs, really fun moments and moments of total despair.
It's a really good place to work. There was this article on the BBC website recently about a woman with an illness who was kept going by her place of work supporting her and being patient and understanding. No place has been more understanding than my ward. I remember being so ill, my head was so distorted and begging my manager to let me come to work. She looked at me and smiled. "Debs", she said " We want nothing more than to have you back at work, but we want you better more. Get well. We will be waiting. We love and care about you more than anything"
I am worried about change, about something new... about what will happen but to be honest I'm more sad about what I've lost. About what every single child in Bristol has lost. A unit that cares, that goes that extra mile, that is excellent. Maybe It'll all be OK. Maybe the legacy will carry on. Hope so.
I applied for a new job in out patients. It looks good, busy, interesting, lots of extra investigations. Autonomy and diversity. Hope I get it. We did a pagan ceremony at the lunar eclipse.
Danz wanted to get on better with her school friends. Spring wanted less work, Wulf wanted less football on TV (lol) and I wanted the new job.
I think the next few weeks are going to find me rather emotional. We're going to the SS Great Britain on Saturday for a closing Grand Ball. Cost a fortune, but it's a full night of music, food and drink. Hope I don't cry all night...