I have a pain, in my gastric region. A stabbing urgent nauseating pain. It started a while ago. But gradually it's got worse and today at work it was gnawing at me all day, so much that I couldn't concentrate well.Plus the damn heat hasn't helped. Tonight I laid on the sofa and was suddenly overwhelmed by the certainty that I was going to die.
First of all I was just a bit flat. Just knew I was dying.
Then later I began to get anxious. Not about dying but about all the emotional stuff that surrounds dying.
And I got sad.
And I couldn't stop crying. Now there's a conundrum. Part of me knows I'm being silly, I know that tonight I scared the kids and I regret that a lot. But the other half is locked in this fluffy crazed head that won't function tonight and knows that no matter what they say, I am going to die soon. I guess it started a few weeks back. I started to joke about my funeral. I told Marie to make sure all my online friends came. And to make sure they all cried. Then today in work I asked if they'd come to my funeral. So it been round my head for a while.
I thought of all the things it could be. I'm a nurse, I know these things.
I can't go to work tomorrow. That's bothering me. That I don't feel able to. I'm so crap.
But I don't feel sorry for myself, it's ok.
Hope I don't feel like this tomorrow.
But if I do die remember I loved you all
ok?
I'll cry a little for you right now. I'm sad you are having these feelings. I wish I could help.
ReplyDeleteYet I am rather wound up with my own feelings - with a bit of crying for myself. Hope you ahve a better day tomorrow.
Crying is good. It's the glue that keeps are emotions where they should be. So trin AND Keith, cry!
ReplyDeleteAnd Trin hunny, could this be the new meds? You know a lot of people adore you, you stay around for the girls and for us.... you hear me?